enne
blood sport
- May 13, 2026
- 21
i guess i'm giving my reasonings as to why i wanna ctb.
i just came out of a horrible spiral from intense mania (all the works, god it was glorious at the time) i think it started in jan? of 2025 to late may.
i didn't realize psychosis was also playing a huge part, should've realized with all the random fights i begged for, things i begged others to do to me, i wish it would've stayed that way. i was always in love with pain, but i didn't know alcohol would be my full lover. it totaled me. eventually i stopped eating, i quit all my meds including my diabetic monitors/insulin (everyone and everything was controlling me, obv) the crashing out the running around the freedom was so much fun until i crashed. i've been stuck crashed for months now. i only drank or my relationship turned situationship turned roommate/ex i don't know i'm tired of seeing his things. i'm beyond stuck. he would force feed me, but couldn't shove me in the shower and all i did. was start talking in circles. wants to take me to lunch sunday, how cute. i can't leave. i've just been wallowing in filth for months. i was the epitome of clean and in ways beauty. i was trying so hard. the heartbreak broke me, (sure i can handle you actively cheating) he wouldn't leave. i cant explain his choices. i don't know why he stayed. angel numbers, music, all spoke to me until i crashed. i thought the tv didn't work, my phone didn't work, i didn't move. paralyzed in my depression. i don't know anything about anything that's happened in the past year. i don't know how i'm alive rn. i just scream at night knowing i'll never be able to leave this place for what i did, or didn't do to upkeep. i cant see anyone. around september i lost it, cut my arm (i've been self harming since 11, now 28) 87 stitches, 3 days of laying low to get out just to try to do it all again. i wasn't supposed to make it. i before that i necked a bottle of xanax just woke up with a black eye. should've gotten help then but he didn't take it seriously i'm not sure. i only confided in him. everyone i know is steady going when i stopped. i've always been behind in life. always. i don't see a way out.
i'm not doing this over him, just back story (there's so much more lore to me and as my other friend says "you've been through more) i've been raped, i've had guns pulled on me, i've put a gun in my own mouth. beaten, whatever it's happened. recently been trying with pills and alc again but otc bc i already necked whatever pills they gave me outta psych the second i was released. i'm so tired of sleeping. it's all i could do when i broke. i don't see a means out. no one will ever wanna touch me again. i'm so pissed i ever got so tired. if i'm gonna sleep, let it be the endless.
it's crazy the depression, where it can take you. paralyzed. no anything on just darkness, sometimes i'd be lucky and see colors off the wall. but just blank morbity.
the non speaking just repeating was horrific. and really annoying for everyone.
i keep looking at my old friends picture, he passed through hanging. i think i can do partial (i can't leave the house to go where he did, that would be ideal bc it worked) i made a noose out of two scarves. my dog watched me and won't leave the room. i cant make it another day. i was supposed to be gone in august. that's what the (i don't wanna call them voices) said it was just a fate feeling.
i'm slightly drunk and i've written so many things. i may not even post this. i was so excited for SN but it's unavailable
i cant catch up with the world. i was so excited when i finally found it. angry as i was i felt free. but i let depression win.
i haven't left the house in months. i'm scum. i cant take another night. idk if this will work but fuck try something i guess
id kill for a bottle rn, high ipas are all i got
i know i'll survive
unfortunately
i cant sleep in my room, he pissed the bed before leaving, i threw up all over the floor. i don't know where half of my clothes are
i'll never make it outta here
the whole house is disgusting
i am filthy.
the dog won't stop staring.
ma, i'm sorry.
my hair has been falling out of my head, skin peels, i reek of menthol and beer.
i just hope there's vodka on the other side
it's a curse being able to type anything. i literally drank myself stupid. if he was here trying to show me something, i'd force a fake laugh and just constantly say "i'm okay"
i asked you a question?
"i'm okay"
i was actively dying. i knew i was. i had zero thoughts
i can still hear him, almost menacing - "not a thought behind those eyes.."
and he was right.
i just came out of a horrible spiral from intense mania (all the works, god it was glorious at the time) i think it started in jan? of 2025 to late may.
i didn't realize psychosis was also playing a huge part, should've realized with all the random fights i begged for, things i begged others to do to me, i wish it would've stayed that way. i was always in love with pain, but i didn't know alcohol would be my full lover. it totaled me. eventually i stopped eating, i quit all my meds including my diabetic monitors/insulin (everyone and everything was controlling me, obv) the crashing out the running around the freedom was so much fun until i crashed. i've been stuck crashed for months now. i only drank or my relationship turned situationship turned roommate/ex i don't know i'm tired of seeing his things. i'm beyond stuck. he would force feed me, but couldn't shove me in the shower and all i did. was start talking in circles. wants to take me to lunch sunday, how cute. i can't leave. i've just been wallowing in filth for months. i was the epitome of clean and in ways beauty. i was trying so hard. the heartbreak broke me, (sure i can handle you actively cheating) he wouldn't leave. i cant explain his choices. i don't know why he stayed. angel numbers, music, all spoke to me until i crashed. i thought the tv didn't work, my phone didn't work, i didn't move. paralyzed in my depression. i don't know anything about anything that's happened in the past year. i don't know how i'm alive rn. i just scream at night knowing i'll never be able to leave this place for what i did, or didn't do to upkeep. i cant see anyone. around september i lost it, cut my arm (i've been self harming since 11, now 28) 87 stitches, 3 days of laying low to get out just to try to do it all again. i wasn't supposed to make it. i before that i necked a bottle of xanax just woke up with a black eye. should've gotten help then but he didn't take it seriously i'm not sure. i only confided in him. everyone i know is steady going when i stopped. i've always been behind in life. always. i don't see a way out.
i'm not doing this over him, just back story (there's so much more lore to me and as my other friend says "you've been through more) i've been raped, i've had guns pulled on me, i've put a gun in my own mouth. beaten, whatever it's happened. recently been trying with pills and alc again but otc bc i already necked whatever pills they gave me outta psych the second i was released. i'm so tired of sleeping. it's all i could do when i broke. i don't see a means out. no one will ever wanna touch me again. i'm so pissed i ever got so tired. if i'm gonna sleep, let it be the endless.
it's crazy the depression, where it can take you. paralyzed. no anything on just darkness, sometimes i'd be lucky and see colors off the wall. but just blank morbity.
the non speaking just repeating was horrific. and really annoying for everyone.
i keep looking at my old friends picture, he passed through hanging. i think i can do partial (i can't leave the house to go where he did, that would be ideal bc it worked) i made a noose out of two scarves. my dog watched me and won't leave the room. i cant make it another day. i was supposed to be gone in august. that's what the (i don't wanna call them voices) said it was just a fate feeling.
i'm slightly drunk and i've written so many things. i may not even post this. i was so excited for SN but it's unavailable
i cant catch up with the world. i was so excited when i finally found it. angry as i was i felt free. but i let depression win.
i haven't left the house in months. i'm scum. i cant take another night. idk if this will work but fuck try something i guess
id kill for a bottle rn, high ipas are all i got
i know i'll survive
unfortunately
i cant sleep in my room, he pissed the bed before leaving, i threw up all over the floor. i don't know where half of my clothes are
i'll never make it outta here
the whole house is disgusting
i am filthy.
the dog won't stop staring.
ma, i'm sorry.
my hair has been falling out of my head, skin peels, i reek of menthol and beer.
i just hope there's vodka on the other side
it's a curse being able to type anything. i literally drank myself stupid. if he was here trying to show me something, i'd force a fake laugh and just constantly say "i'm okay"
i asked you a question?
"i'm okay"
i was actively dying. i knew i was. i had zero thoughts
i can still hear him, almost menacing - "not a thought behind those eyes.."
and he was right.
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