combustiblebear
New Member
- May 5, 2026
- 1
Hi there, been lurking for a while but this is my first post here. My little story is this: I've had a long history with mental health issues, starting as soon as I could form memories. Had various diagnoses over the years but my main ones are depression, anxiety, OCD, and BPD (though they say I don't qualify for the diagnosis anymore). Made my first attempt at CTB when I was 11 and had several more while in my 20s. Now I'm 38 and things just feel so hopeless. Most people and friends in my life are partnered, with houses and children and rich lives. I'm single with no children, and I live alone in a messy dingy apartment and have multiple chronic pain conditions that barely give me enough energy to make it through the work day. I had a boyfriend for almost eight years but it didn't work out, we split about a year and a half ago and I'm still not over it. It truly feels like I wasted those years of my life and I'm angry that I'll never get them back.
Back in January, an old friend that I had kind of lost touch with successfully CTB and I've been preoccupied with the thought of it ever since. She also had BPD and we were close for a time and it just hit so close to home. Like if she could do it, then maybe I could too. So right now I'm in the very preliminary planning stages. In the past, I had told myself that if things don't get better by the time I'm 33, then I would CTB. I kept extending my self-imposed deadline until I was doing a little better and it got put on the back burner. But now I'm a little more serious about it, yet willing to wait it out a little bit to get my ducks in a row.
Basically I just was curious if other people here see CTB as more of a long term goal. I'm definitely not ready to do it anytime soon, but I'm thinking if I still feel this way when I'm 40 then it may be my time. I want to pay off my debts, start downsizing my belongings, set up a trust for my nephew, draw up a will, double check my life insurance policy, etc. I know that will all take time and I want to do these things before I'm gone. I don't have a method secured yet but I'm considering SN, though I haven't procured it just yet. I'm thinking I may want to do that sooner than later as I've read that it's being cracked down on more and people have been having issues getting it.
Anyway, thanks for reading this, it helped to get it all out. I appreciate you.
Back in January, an old friend that I had kind of lost touch with successfully CTB and I've been preoccupied with the thought of it ever since. She also had BPD and we were close for a time and it just hit so close to home. Like if she could do it, then maybe I could too. So right now I'm in the very preliminary planning stages. In the past, I had told myself that if things don't get better by the time I'm 33, then I would CTB. I kept extending my self-imposed deadline until I was doing a little better and it got put on the back burner. But now I'm a little more serious about it, yet willing to wait it out a little bit to get my ducks in a row.
Basically I just was curious if other people here see CTB as more of a long term goal. I'm definitely not ready to do it anytime soon, but I'm thinking if I still feel this way when I'm 40 then it may be my time. I want to pay off my debts, start downsizing my belongings, set up a trust for my nephew, draw up a will, double check my life insurance policy, etc. I know that will all take time and I want to do these things before I'm gone. I don't have a method secured yet but I'm considering SN, though I haven't procured it just yet. I'm thinking I may want to do that sooner than later as I've read that it's being cracked down on more and people have been having issues getting it.
Anyway, thanks for reading this, it helped to get it all out. I appreciate you.
