anyone else destroy their bodies in hopes to die a more "natural" death?

[tinyghost]

im in bad health. i have a heart defect and had a stroke at 19 among many other things. my condition is partly why i want to cbt. i used to smoke cigs and quit but i started smoking again this year, and i've been a stoner for a few years. the smoking is really taking a toll. my chest hurts constantly and my arm does to regularly. ive thought several times the past week that i might be having a heart attack. its so terrifying but i never seek help and always think "please kill me". i dont stop smoking even though i want to quit and know what damage it causes. i dont know if i have an infection or what's going on since it's obviously not a heart attack after several days. i had an x ray recently that was all normal. it could be my new meds causing panic attacks which has happened to me before. i dont know if i should go to a doctor (embarrassing bc i did this to myself smoking and i have trauma with doctors) or just keep praying this is actually the end.

 

[turnoverover]

i don't either and my apathy to my health worsens when my mind gets darker. i honestly think this line of thinking is comorbid with other mental illness, like when i was very anorexic it was for the sole purpose of destroying my body to die quicker smaller, unexpectedly, etc. i hope you get the answers you need from your doctors if that's the route you take

 

[tinyghost]

i don't either and my apathy to my health worsens when my mind gets darker. i honestly think this line of thinking is comorbid with other mental illness, like when i was very anorexic it was for the sole purpose of destroying my body to die quicker smaller, unexpectedly, etc. i hope you get the answers you need from your doctors if that's the route you take

i have anorexia also and it's definitely not helping anything. ive had it about 12 years so i cant even imagine the havoc ive caused to my body. i also starve a lot more when im in a darker place. eating disorders are some of the hardest addictions tbh.

 

[tinyghost]

last night my arm went numb and i passed out and i really thought i was finally going to die but unfortunately i woke up today u_u