wannabeangel
Missing Wings
- Mar 14, 2026
- 16
i wanted to make my own thread to just vent and rant when i need to without making a ton of separate posts. shit is hard right now and i need somewhere to get this out.
i've always wanted to ctb since at least 11yo, didnt think i would make it past 18 even, but the only thing that's really kept me from doing anything is not wanting to hurt and bother my family and loved ones even more than i already do alive. that's what kept me alive so far. i feel like its starting to not be enough of a reason to keep suffering though... on top of being disabled and in chronic pain all the time, that's only bound to get worse with age, making my worst mistake trying to fix my money issues which lead to the love of my life not trusting me anymore and we're still in the process of divorce after being together since 2023 and we were married for 4 months before i fucking ruined my life and his by being stupid repeating what groomers taught me as a kid because sometimes it's all i feel like im worth for, nothing else ever seems to work or matter
my husband was the one who actually made me happy to grow old with, even if i had to suffer from pain, because his love changed so much inside me and made me feel like a person again after being alone after a 5 year long abusive relationship with my ex gf that wasted my teen years. i was just stuck in limbo before i finally talked to him again after years, and now everything is broken and lost again without him. i cant see a future for myself anymore again. im starting to think im not supposed to have one, and im just waiting for the perfect moment to ctb.
i cant help but feel guilty about it, because i promised others i will stay safe and i wont do anything, but ive been researching and drafting letters for everyone, even if i dont think i am doing it anytime too soon, but i want to have everything ready. that feels... comforting. i hate feeling so guilty about everything tho, i feel guilty about living and dying, nothing i do ever seems to be right or work right, i cant fix anything and i cant get any pain, emotional or physical, to just fucking stop. i want it all to stop. drugs help, the ones that do im out of tho and just have weed to keep me semi-sane. my family and others tell me things will get better, get easier, be less hard, but when is that supposed to happen????? i feel like i've been waiting all my life for it to be easier. my brain never let life be easy since i was 5 and nothing has actually changed, people think im better because im better at keeping it to myself, and having enough self control to not cut myself and make my mental state too obvious. and i had to stop showing my mental issues for proper treatment of physical health issues, i have been dismissed too many times, i feel like nobody ever believes my pain because of it and sometimes i dont even believe it myself. i feel like im being dramatic and should just get over it. but i cant, i cant just stop it no matter how much i try to deny it because nobody else could see. i dont think anyone will ever fully see or understand
i wish i wasnt a pussy who cared too much about others so i can just stop my suffering. i always have the issue of putting others first before myself, i want to stop that. im just so tired, and im tired of being tired. i wish i could at least go into a coma for a while if i cant die. i have a feeling that my plans to ctb are going to get more and more serious though. i have already been researching methods and figuring out what i can use with the meds i have and whatever else i could buy somehow. been considering SN mixed with some extra meds to make me hopefully pass out sooner. an OD of some sort seems like the best option for me, i dont wanna be found hanging (my mom had to cut a rope from my neck before when i was younger, i was trying to get out of it when she caught me but i couldn't) that will make my body look even worse. i dont like guns so i dont want that, jumping is too risky i dont want to just cripple myself more, there's a train near by but i dont want to cause strangers harm on my way out, but its still on my backup list because i hear the train every night. maybe i could drown, i live right next to water, but i would like a more peaceful way of going out before any other options, and i would like my family to know i passed without pain
idk where im going with my rambling anymore, i will prob rant more in this thread later tn when my brain attacks me with every bad thought ever. this is fun as my first actual thread here lol
edited my post by accident instead of just replying, fixing that rn because now it pissed me off lol
(new edit apparently my replies just get added to the original post ig idk whats going on)
another thing that fucking sucks is that i know my husband has in the past and recently because of our divorce wanted to ctb, it feels selfish of me for me to wanna die while i dont want him to, i dont want him in pain and suffering. even tho i love all of my memories with him and he helped me so much more than he will ever realize, i kinda wish i didnt reach out again after not texting him back since 2017 (i was in and out of psych wards a a lot around the time, i couldnt keep up with game DMs) so then he wouldnt have to feel any of this pain right now nor any pain if/when i ctb. the divorce is honestly what brought my thoughts back so hard, why continue if i broke the thing i was continuing for despite my pain? why tough out the pain if i wont get anything out of it besides other people around me being comforted that im breathing, even if my breaths are heavy with pain? is it even worth it to keep trying? i have been crying daily for 48 days now since it all happened, and i had to take a flight back home only two days after the papers were signed, he got the papers the same day he found me blacked out in the bathroom from overmedicating myself trying to cope with pain + lack of sleep + guilt and he found my other phone i was using to still try and sell a few pictures of myself when he told me 3 days before to stop and i said i would but i couldnt i dont know why i was such an idiot. i felt like i was 13 again getting myself into shit situations with preds and groomers, all because i felt guilty over my mom spending so much on me + credit cards she got me are late and maxxed out dropping my credit score so much which scared me because i dont understand all this adult shit i never finished school past 9th grade and grew up in wards, hospitals and therapy offices, i didnt learn how to adult, and i dont feel like an adult even tho i turn 24 this year.
everything is just my fault and it hurts. i still contact him still, secretly. it keeps being confusing, he will come to me for long distance sex/intimacy but still says we need to move on, and we will never work, and he cant love me romantically again even if he moans how much he does love me in the moment. its driving me insane feeling so close and having it ripped away again, but he is lonely and i dont want him lonely. he also just told me he doesnt want me sacrificing myself for him just so he isnt lonely.... but before he would ask things like "is this what i deserve?" and how he just asked for one thing from me after tearing apart his life and dreams with my stupid mistake. he doesnt want me feeling pressured but..... some stuff feels kinda pressuring,,, but i cant say that to him, not directly, idk if what i said hints at my inner conflict with it still, maybe.... its just hard...... if he cant trust me with anything else why does he trust me just to mess around still...... it starts to confirm in my mind that my groomers were right, my body and obedience is all im good for, it will always come down to that even if i thought i had love.....
i just dont know what to do anymore, i never know what to do but especially not right now, im so fucking lost.
i've always wanted to ctb since at least 11yo, didnt think i would make it past 18 even, but the only thing that's really kept me from doing anything is not wanting to hurt and bother my family and loved ones even more than i already do alive. that's what kept me alive so far. i feel like its starting to not be enough of a reason to keep suffering though... on top of being disabled and in chronic pain all the time, that's only bound to get worse with age, making my worst mistake trying to fix my money issues which lead to the love of my life not trusting me anymore and we're still in the process of divorce after being together since 2023 and we were married for 4 months before i fucking ruined my life and his by being stupid repeating what groomers taught me as a kid because sometimes it's all i feel like im worth for, nothing else ever seems to work or matter
my husband was the one who actually made me happy to grow old with, even if i had to suffer from pain, because his love changed so much inside me and made me feel like a person again after being alone after a 5 year long abusive relationship with my ex gf that wasted my teen years. i was just stuck in limbo before i finally talked to him again after years, and now everything is broken and lost again without him. i cant see a future for myself anymore again. im starting to think im not supposed to have one, and im just waiting for the perfect moment to ctb.
i cant help but feel guilty about it, because i promised others i will stay safe and i wont do anything, but ive been researching and drafting letters for everyone, even if i dont think i am doing it anytime too soon, but i want to have everything ready. that feels... comforting. i hate feeling so guilty about everything tho, i feel guilty about living and dying, nothing i do ever seems to be right or work right, i cant fix anything and i cant get any pain, emotional or physical, to just fucking stop. i want it all to stop. drugs help, the ones that do im out of tho and just have weed to keep me semi-sane. my family and others tell me things will get better, get easier, be less hard, but when is that supposed to happen????? i feel like i've been waiting all my life for it to be easier. my brain never let life be easy since i was 5 and nothing has actually changed, people think im better because im better at keeping it to myself, and having enough self control to not cut myself and make my mental state too obvious. and i had to stop showing my mental issues for proper treatment of physical health issues, i have been dismissed too many times, i feel like nobody ever believes my pain because of it and sometimes i dont even believe it myself. i feel like im being dramatic and should just get over it. but i cant, i cant just stop it no matter how much i try to deny it because nobody else could see. i dont think anyone will ever fully see or understand
i wish i wasnt a pussy who cared too much about others so i can just stop my suffering. i always have the issue of putting others first before myself, i want to stop that. im just so tired, and im tired of being tired. i wish i could at least go into a coma for a while if i cant die. i have a feeling that my plans to ctb are going to get more and more serious though. i have already been researching methods and figuring out what i can use with the meds i have and whatever else i could buy somehow. been considering SN mixed with some extra meds to make me hopefully pass out sooner. an OD of some sort seems like the best option for me, i dont wanna be found hanging (my mom had to cut a rope from my neck before when i was younger, i was trying to get out of it when she caught me but i couldn't) that will make my body look even worse. i dont like guns so i dont want that, jumping is too risky i dont want to just cripple myself more, there's a train near by but i dont want to cause strangers harm on my way out, but its still on my backup list because i hear the train every night. maybe i could drown, i live right next to water, but i would like a more peaceful way of going out before any other options, and i would like my family to know i passed without pain
idk where im going with my rambling anymore, i will prob rant more in this thread later tn when my brain attacks me with every bad thought ever. this is fun as my first actual thread here lol
edited my post by accident instead of just replying, fixing that rn because now it pissed me off lol
(new edit apparently my replies just get added to the original post ig idk whats going on)
another thing that fucking sucks is that i know my husband has in the past and recently because of our divorce wanted to ctb, it feels selfish of me for me to wanna die while i dont want him to, i dont want him in pain and suffering. even tho i love all of my memories with him and he helped me so much more than he will ever realize, i kinda wish i didnt reach out again after not texting him back since 2017 (i was in and out of psych wards a a lot around the time, i couldnt keep up with game DMs) so then he wouldnt have to feel any of this pain right now nor any pain if/when i ctb. the divorce is honestly what brought my thoughts back so hard, why continue if i broke the thing i was continuing for despite my pain? why tough out the pain if i wont get anything out of it besides other people around me being comforted that im breathing, even if my breaths are heavy with pain? is it even worth it to keep trying? i have been crying daily for 48 days now since it all happened, and i had to take a flight back home only two days after the papers were signed, he got the papers the same day he found me blacked out in the bathroom from overmedicating myself trying to cope with pain + lack of sleep + guilt and he found my other phone i was using to still try and sell a few pictures of myself when he told me 3 days before to stop and i said i would but i couldnt i dont know why i was such an idiot. i felt like i was 13 again getting myself into shit situations with preds and groomers, all because i felt guilty over my mom spending so much on me + credit cards she got me are late and maxxed out dropping my credit score so much which scared me because i dont understand all this adult shit i never finished school past 9th grade and grew up in wards, hospitals and therapy offices, i didnt learn how to adult, and i dont feel like an adult even tho i turn 24 this year.
everything is just my fault and it hurts. i still contact him still, secretly. it keeps being confusing, he will come to me for long distance sex/intimacy but still says we need to move on, and we will never work, and he cant love me romantically again even if he moans how much he does love me in the moment. its driving me insane feeling so close and having it ripped away again, but he is lonely and i dont want him lonely. he also just told me he doesnt want me sacrificing myself for him just so he isnt lonely.... but before he would ask things like "is this what i deserve?" and how he just asked for one thing from me after tearing apart his life and dreams with my stupid mistake. he doesnt want me feeling pressured but..... some stuff feels kinda pressuring,,, but i cant say that to him, not directly, idk if what i said hints at my inner conflict with it still, maybe.... its just hard...... if he cant trust me with anything else why does he trust me just to mess around still...... it starts to confirm in my mind that my groomers were right, my body and obedience is all im good for, it will always come down to that even if i thought i had love.....
i just dont know what to do anymore, i never know what to do but especially not right now, im so fucking lost.
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