Help Acquiring SN in Australia?

[MyNameIsRavi]

Hi, I'm trying to learn about ways to go. realistically it seems like SN is the best option where i live (NSW AU) but i can't acquire it from any legitimate places due to regulations here. what are the chances of me buying it from another country and getting it through customs?

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

I'm in another state of Aus & wondering the same thing. When I first heard of PPH, Sasu & SN, I thought I'd finally found a "quick" reliable solution. But for every new thing I learn, it feels like more steps backwards. I'd really love a hand leading me forward instead. My decision is long made but I definitely only want to do this once & succeed (& not go to jail either)
Did you have any luck with your research?

 

[MyNameIsRavi]

I'm in another state of Aus & wondering the same thing. When I first heard of PPH, Sasu & SN, I thought I'd finally found a "quick" reliable solution. But for every new thing I learn, it feels like more steps backwards. I'd really love a hand leading me forward instead. My decision is long made but I definitely only want to do this once & succeed (& not go to jail either)
Did you have any luck with your research?

Literally just as I saw this i took a gamble on a seller in india. they're on a larger marketplace and they offer a wide variety of other industrial metals and chemicals so they seem like a legit business but despite that they offer SN in 500g bottles and immediately said they'd mislabel the package as potassium iodine when I mentioned customs and packaging. They sound awfully familiar with this process. I paid 110usd which hurts but it's the best lead I have. I'll have to post an update once it gets here.

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

Oh wow. It sounds somewhere between too good to be true & completely dodgy….
Do you have a testing kit?
Literally just learned that they existed….
If you have any details on how it goes down, even if it's just how long it takes to get from India to AU, I'd be interested to hear of your experience. After over 30 years of postponing CTB for various reasons, now that the decision is made & made for good, I'm finding myself looking at good dates coming up soon. Impatient even.
Even planning around busy times at work because I was raised a people pleaser!! But as someone who can suffer from SAD in our winter, I am really hoping to go before that kicks in - I don't want anyone to feel bad they didn't check on my winter blues & I don't want to wait until spring or summer. I'd like to CTB by June. My research is not going well. I wish it was the olden days with the old school sleepers so I could just crack on.
Good luck with your journey if that is what you need. I'm not here to encourage anyone but I'm also not here to therapise or save - I don't have the tools in the toolbox or the judgment. If you need the tools & the toolbox, please reach out to whoever you need or is available - help is always around, I'm told - I used to be the person with the open door policy, answering every 3am phone call, helping, helping, helping. But no more left in the tank - but please, if you need help get it. If you've made your mind up & can help a rational human with their experience, please lemme know. Either / either

 

[MyNameIsRavi]

Ultimately I just have to wait and find out. I've got a testing coming in the mail soon. I've paid the invoice and I'm told they'll ship the parcel on Monday and update me with tracking details (it's coming via DHL). I've heard of users successfully buying it from sources that operated just like that (Industry marketplace, offers to mislabel etc.) so fingers crossed it's legit. I did a quick background on the company and it seems like the guy who owns it also openly owns a pharmaceutical company and my purchase was actually invoiced to that company instead. It absolutely seems a bit sketchy but I'm also buying and importing an illegal substance from India so a degree of sketch is warranted i guess. The CEO has his face proudly included on the company's profile page so that makes me feel slightly better(?)

Ultimately I have no concrete plans to go just at the moment, I want to be prepared just in case things don't work out for me soon. I can't say I've really given traditional help a fair shot but no pill or way of thinking can change the real world circumstances I'm in. I don't know how I feel about helping someone else end their life but it sounds like you've already figured out where I'm buying from so the least I'll do is post an update if/when it arrives. You sound alot like my dad. Spent his life never switching off and when he finally retired he felt useless because he couldn't do much besides watch TV and sometimes drive. He never got the rest he deserved. I hope you manage to find some kind of peace. In death or otherwise.

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

Hey
I cried when I read that I sounded like your dad - the similarities are most definitely there - never switching off, equating rest with laziness, the constant need to be useful - but I was also surprised by the perceptiveness of a stranger. So I guess thank you?! I dunno.
It is real world circumstances that have led to my decision too. The things that cannot be done or undone or fixed or changed. The bits where we have to live in the world as it is, not the way we want it to be. The powerless bits.
But I'm a newbie to this site & I really did think joining would expedite things & that I'd be done & dusted quite quickly, but in reality I've just spent 3 whole hours on this site & again, feel like I know less than before. Frustrating.
I'm so torn about how I've always sworn it would be one successful properly researched fail proof attempt versus my newfound impatience to do this sooner rather than later, again related to real world circumstances with ticking clocks.
I really don't wanna miss the bus, get brain damage, get sectioned, get arrested. All of that.
And all this tech stuff is so new to me & sucking up time too.
Because you're also in AU & have already ordered, I am insanely keen to hear of your experience. Dumb questions - do you order it in your real name? To your home address? And the same for testing kits? And did they indicate how long it would take to get to you? And how long it took to get the kit? And did you look at other options like N or oxy or fenty or whatever?
And can you access the sites on an iPhone with VPN or does it have to be desktop? I have no idea which source you used but am happy to research that too. How do you pay????
There are still some unknown variables in my life - ideally I wanna go in May but might be able to buy some time into June but might not have anywhere to live by then which is a crappy situation but also I'm more upset about the complications it would cause to CTB.
Apologies for sending more messages.
I didn't come here to make friends or repeatedly hassle people but the Aus laws are making things tough & being time poor combined with ADHD is making the research feel impossible & I really need a win. The ADHD is a very real barrier with this - either I can't focus or I get timeblind or I get distracted & go down the wrong rabbit holes or I write notes that turn out to be gibberish or I get overwhelmed by the sheer volume of information & the blinding, blinding, blinding fear of failure.
I can't fail at this. I don't have a plan B.
So whatever you're comfortable passing on, please, please do.
And if you're out, you're out & I appreciate what you've shared thus far.

 

[MyNameIsRavi]

Hey
I cried when I read that I sounded like your dad - the similarities are most definitely there - never switching off, equating rest with laziness, the constant need to be useful - but I was also surprised by the perceptiveness of a stranger. So I guess thank you?! I dunno.
It is real world circumstances that have led to my decision too. The things that cannot be done or undone or fixed or changed. The bits where we have to live in the world as it is, not the way we want it to be. The powerless bits.
But I'm a newbie to this site & I really did think joining would expedite things & that I'd be done & dusted quite quickly, but in reality I've just spent 3 whole hours on this site & again, feel like I know less than before. Frustrating.
I'm so torn about how I've always sworn it would be one successful properly researched fail proof attempt versus my newfound impatience to do this sooner rather than later, again related to real world circumstances with ticking clocks.
I really don't wanna miss the bus, get brain damage, get sectioned, get arrested. All of that.
And all this tech stuff is so new to me & sucking up time too.
Because you're also in AU & have already ordered, I am insanely keen to hear of your experience. Dumb questions - do you order it in your real name? To your home address? And the same for testing kits? And did they indicate how long it would take to get to you? And how long it took to get the kit? And did you look at other options like N or oxy or fenty or whatever?
And can you access the sites on an iPhone with VPN or does it have to be desktop? I have no idea which source you used but am happy to research that too. How do you pay????
There are still some unknown variables in my life - ideally I wanna go in May but might be able to buy some time into June but might not have anywhere to live by then which is a crappy situation but also I'm more upset about the complications it would cause to CTB.
Apologies for sending more messages.
I didn't come here to make friends or repeatedly hassle people but the Aus laws are making things tough & being time poor combined with ADHD is making the research feel impossible & I really need a win. The ADHD is a very real barrier with this - either I can't focus or I get timeblind or I get distracted & go down the wrong rabbit holes or I write notes that turn out to be gibberish or I get overwhelmed by the sheer volume of information & the blinding, blinding, blinding fear of failure.
I can't fail at this. I don't have a plan B.
So whatever you're comfortable passing on, please, please do.
And if you're out, you're out & I appreciate what you've shared thus far.

Hi, apologies for the lack of response. I intended to reply earlier but i got a notice that the parcel cleared customs so I decided I was gonna wait until after it's arrived and I've tested it but I had alot of setbacks regarding addresses and delivery (unrelated small town problems). It arrived this morning via interstate freight. I haven't gotten my test strips yet so I don't know about the purity or quality though. I'm hoping since this manufacturer seems like it does legitimate business it should be fine.

I can DM you the specifics of it if you want. You shouldn't need a VPN and it should be accessible on a phone althought I accessed through it a desktop. They sent me a paypal invoice to my email rather than having me pay through the site. I did use my real name and address which I admit might've been silly but I don't have a PO box and using a fake name on the parcel might've caused issues collecting it requried ID + Signature.

I understand how you feel (maybe), I have ADHD too, likely got it from my dad but I suppose I've always inhereted the worst parts of it. Always struggled to put effort into things and do anything that isn't immediately pleasurable. Went through the entirety school and and failed several tafe courses after that because I was undiagnosed and only just recently got proper help for it but in alot of ways it feels too late. Spent my whole unable to form good habits, missed alot of opportunities in life and now that I maybe have the help and support to get on with my life everything suddenly collapsed. I don't plan on going just yet but I can feel that I'm at my wits end for what to do with myself, and If I can't start to turn things around I might just have to drink the funny yellow salt water.

I've considered N but really it seems like it's too late take that route. Most sellers seem questionable and even if I got my hands on a legit seller getting it into the country seems even risker than SN. Seems like N trade has slowly died due to public attention on it. SN obviously has that attention too now but considering it has a suite of legitimate food/lab/chemical uses getting it seems alot easier compared to a drug whose official uses are 90% ending lives. I haven't really given fent or oxy a thought but getting them would require travelling out of town with a car I don't have, and tbh I'm too sheltered to even know where to begin with obtaining that stuff.

 

[Crinia99]

Literally just as I saw this i took a gamble on a seller in india. they're on a larger marketplace and they offer a wide variety of other industrial metals and chemicals so they seem like a legit business but despite that they offer SN in 500g bottles and immediately said they'd mislabel the package as potassium iodine when I mentioned customs and packaging. They sound awfully familiar with this process. I paid 110usd which hurts but it's the best lead I have. I'll have to post an update once it

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

Wow! Thanks for your response. I haven't been on sasu in a few days - real world circumstances again.
I only got diagnosed with ADHD right before Covid hit & it was so blindingly obvious, I dunno how it was missed. I feel like the exact poster child for a syndrome that I legit didn't know was actually "real". And then it became ridiculously clear that I inherited it from my father - he was diagnosed bipolar & it completely fucked his life - small town, wrong meds, misunderstood, shame, gossip, all of that.
When I was diagnosed, I experienced so much grief - for every chance lost, for every failure that wasn't actually mine, but that I spent a life time internalising that I was just wrong, broken, lazy.
I could see the sliding doors of every better outcome in every area of my life if I had known & been treated. And I mourned it all.
And then when I realised it came from dad - someone who was never diagnosed in his lifetime - I grieved for him & felt so much empathy & saw his perspective that would've been incredible to have while he was alive.
A game changer.
I understand him now. I understand myself now.
But it's just too late. A day late, a buck short.
My real life circumstances are getting worse - money is super tight & it's very likely I won't be living where I am much longer but am immobilised to do anything about it. I think part of me thinks it's pointless - just get the tools to get the job done instead.
So I probably do need to hurry up & order & ASAP.
I haven't done a DM yet, still such a newbie to all this. But absolutely anything you can pass on would be so greatly appreciated.
I need a source, I need to find out about testing kits & how you got on with that.
I need to research the whole protocol properly - I have some expired antiemetics by chance but I dunno what else is out there or what to do.
I want to CTB, it needs to be done, it needs to be done soon, but am paralysed to act because of my crushing fear of failure. Plus time management, ha!
In terms of the packaging, was there anything distinctive written on it, anything that someone else could google, that sort of thing???
I'm terrified of being intercepted by anyone else - the level of snooping by my ex is incredibly high. Which made me think to get a P.O. Box just for this but then freaked out about it going through more hands & more chance of detection. I recently had a will kit & power of attorney kit sent to my work & emailed the company explicitly prior to not have anything that could be googled on the outside & they sent me the loveliest message of support of my circumstances & how there would be no chance of detection - when it arrived it was covered in a million handwritten notes saying private & confidential & for my-insert-name-here-eyes-only etc which only increased interest. And then stamped by the name of the fucking company. And when you type it in to google, it immediately comes up who they are & what they do. FFS. I was very lucky that I had told my boss prior what was coming & why but I still don't know how many of my coworkers saw it, I just know that if my ex saw it, it would be a clusterfuck of epic proportions. I'm not trying to punish anyone, I'm just trying to make it that if someone is rewarded financially by my death - super etc, I legit have no money - that someone abusive should not profit from their abuse. But to be fair, I have wanted to CTB since before I met them, that decision is separate from my relationship & it's breakdown & their abuse isn't part of this in any way other than my not wanting them to be rewarded.
I wish I had access to this site on a desktop - it's so tedious to research. And it's quite painful to me to write such rambling messages that are difficult to edit, I just tap slowly at my phone & post instead of thinking it through & editing.
Maybe I should write with pen & paper first, but I'm paranoid I'll get distracted & leave it laying around somewhere (it's not really paranoia when you know it's defs what you'll do, like one hundo!!)
I have a plan of how to be found by emergency services - I wouldn't inflict that on anyone.
Whatevs. Stop rambling. Post. Walk away. Get ready for work.
Please whatever you can send to me privately, go bananas. I can feel the ticking clock, I can feel that it is exactly shit or get off the pot time.
I need to do this. I need help to do this & not fuck it up. I wanna do something that earns a gold fucking star of doing this right.
Apologies again. I know sorry is supposed to result in change of behaviour & I'm still just rambling away like a mofo.
I'm not usually like this.
Any help appreciated
Thanks sorry repeat

 

[nixolab]

Hi, I'm trying to learn about ways to go. realistically it seems like SN is the best option where i live (NSW AU) but i can't acquire it from any legitimate places due to regulations here. what are the chances of me buying it from another country and getting it through customs?

I actually purchased SN recently online from some company, It was real hard to find this, as it seems like SN sell is getting more and more regulated because I saw this guy on reddit that was reporting all SN sellers and it's getting harder to acquire it, i think there is even a thread about him on SaSu

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

I actually purchased SN recently online from some company, It was real hard to find this, as it seems like SN sell is getting more and more regulated because I saw this guy on reddit that was reporting all SN sellers and it's getting harder to acquire it, i think there is even a thread about him on SaSu

Ooof. I don't need people making this harder.
I'm gonna have to try & acquire ASAP.
Or post a list of what meds I already have access to & hope someone can help advising if there's enough there to do the trick.
I really can't believe there's this much regulation & research involved. I wish it was just short & sweet. I don't know anyone with connections to street drugs but I probably know people that do - but that feels murky & scary - I'm a rule follower in general. But I'm running out of time in terms of when I can do this & also in terms of available research time - I am just time poor & desperate to do this & desperate to succeed.
If anyone can help, I'll take it.

 

[Philipp_Mainländer1]

Wow! Thanks for your response. I haven't been on sasu in a few days - real world circumstances again.
I only got diagnosed with ADHD right before Covid hit & it was so blindingly obvious, I dunno how it was missed. I feel like the exact poster child for a syndrome that I legit didn't know was actually "real". And then it became ridiculously clear that I inherited it from my father - he was diagnosed bipolar & it completely fucked his life - small town, wrong meds, misunderstood, shame, gossip, all of that.
When I was diagnosed, I experienced so much grief - for every chance lost, for every failure that wasn't actually mine, but that I spent a life time internalising that I was just wrong, broken, lazy.
I could see the sliding doors of every better outcome in every area of my life if I had known & been treated. And I mourned it all.
And then when I realised it came from dad - someone who was never diagnosed in his lifetime - I grieved for him & felt so much empathy & saw his perspective that would've been incredible to have while he was alive.
A game changer.
I understand him now. I understand myself now.
But it's just too late. A day late, a buck short.
My real life circumstances are getting worse - money is super tight & it's very likely I won't be living where I am much longer but am immobilised to do anything about it. I think part of me thinks it's pointless - just get the tools to get the job done instead.
So I probably do need to hurry up & order & ASAP.
I haven't done a DM yet, still such a newbie to all this. But absolutely anything you can pass on would be so greatly appreciated.
I need a source, I need to find out about testing kits & how you got on with that.
I need to research the whole protocol properly - I have some expired antiemetics by chance but I dunno what else is out there or what to do.
I want to CTB, it needs to be done, it needs to be done soon, but am paralysed to act because of my crushing fear of failure. Plus time management, ha!
In terms of the packaging, was there anything distinctive written on it, anything that someone else could google, that sort of thing???
I'm terrified of being intercepted by anyone else - the level of snooping by my ex is incredibly high. Which made me think to get a P.O. Box just for this but then freaked out about it going through more hands & more chance of detection. I recently had a will kit & power of attorney kit sent to my work & emailed the company explicitly prior to not have anything that could be googled on the outside & they sent me the loveliest message of support of my circumstances & how there would be no chance of detection - when it arrived it was covered in a million handwritten notes saying private & confidential & for my-insert-name-here-eyes-only etc which only increased interest. And then stamped by the name of the fucking company. And when you type it in to google, it immediately comes up who they are & what they do. FFS. I was very lucky that I had told my boss prior what was coming & why but I still don't know how many of my coworkers saw it, I just know that if my ex saw it, it would be a clusterfuck of epic proportions. I'm not trying to punish anyone, I'm just trying to make it that if someone is rewarded financially by my death - super etc, I legit have no money - that someone abusive should not profit from their abuse. But to be fair, I have wanted to CTB since before I met them, that decision is separate from my relationship & it's breakdown & their abuse isn't part of this in any way other than my not wanting them to be rewarded.
I wish I had access to this site on a desktop - it's so tedious to research. And it's quite painful to me to write such rambling messages that are difficult to edit, I just tap slowly at my phone & post instead of thinking it through & editing.
Maybe I should write with pen & paper first, but I'm paranoid I'll get distracted & leave it laying around somewhere (it's not really paranoia when you know it's defs what you'll do, like one hundo!!)
I have a plan of how to be found by emergency services - I wouldn't inflict that on anyone.
Whatevs. Stop rambling. Post. Walk away. Get ready for work.
Please whatever you can send to me privately, go bananas. I can feel the ticking clock, I can feel that it is exactly shit or get off the pot time.
I need to do this. I need help to do this & not fuck it up. I wanna do something that earns a gold fucking star of doing this right.
Apologies again. I know sorry is supposed to result in change of behaviour & I'm still just rambling away like a mofo.
I'm not usually like this.
Any help appreciated
Thanks sorry repeat

I relate to your experience with ADHD, and I had a similar experience when COVID hit. I was originally diagnosed in my childhood but denied it or otherwise forgot about it (how ADHD of me). I looked into it again around 2021 and suddenly my problems with emotional regulation, forgetfulness and acute procrastination made sense It's so incredibly frustrating seeing my family try and support me but I just repeatedly squander it over and over again. One day I'll be putting things back together before it that disorganization and distraction manifests itself and I've wasted innumerable hours on some dopamine rush. I'm sick of trying, I'm sick of attempting to rebuild my life each week before I just get depressed and demotivated. I've tried an assortment of medications, but they only cover up a deeper neuronal defect in my brain. I hate feeling doped up on antidepressants and stimulants all the time - it just feels unnatural. I don't even feel like an adult, I honestly just feel like my organizational skills are that of a 15 year old. Don't get me started on rejection sensitive dysphoria, inability to follow social cues and the like - it fucking sucks.

Have you had any luck looking at Tor markets for SN?

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

I relate to your experience with ADHD, and I had a similar experience when COVID hit. I was originally diagnosed in my childhood but denied it or otherwise forgot about it (how ADHD of me). I looked into it again around 2021 and suddenly my problems with emotional regulation, forgetfulness and acute procrastination made sense It's so incredibly frustrating seeing my family try and support me but I just repeatedly squander it over and over again. One day I'll be putting things back together before it that disorganization and distraction manifests itself and I've wasted innumerable hours on some dopamine rush. I'm sick of trying, I'm sick of attempting to rebuild my life each week before I just get depressed and demotivated. I've tried an assortment of medications, but they only cover up a deeper neuronal defect in my brain. I hate feeling doped up on antidepressants and stimulants all the time - it just feels unnatural. I don't even feel like an adult, I honestly just feel like my organizational skills are that of a 15 year old. Don't get me started on rejection sensitive dysphoria, inability to follow social cues and the like - it fucking sucks.

Have you had any luck looking at Tor markets for SN?

Ha! Rejection Sensitivity was a revelation. Also, a gender specific associated syndrome, amongst others. Explained so very much about me. Ritalin worked for me when I was first diagnosed - I was too scared to tell anyone except my then partner - life started turning around & I had hope for the first time ever - I could see a new & better life, where I could maybe overcome all the obstacles in my way (that's me, I'm the obstacle! Ha, also the goddamn ADHD…) And then, when I actually got Covid, I was barely sick at all, a bit worse than a cold, way way better than the flu, but the Ritalin mysteriously stopped working. My psych had no idea, my autoimmune doctor no idea, but atypical & idiosyncratic reactions to meds are super common in my family & it was just written off as that. Came off Ritalin, started another med, & it's just not the same. I never understood why I had paper clutter endlessly surrounding me, why my surfaces were never clear, all of that. And in the blessed period with Ritalin, the paper disappeared, the hoarding disappeared, every surface was like a Marie Kondo fucking ad & I loved it & was proud of it & really felt that between the meds & understanding myself, that things would change. And now, I can't tell you about the clutter everywhere, the started but not finished things & the paper. So much paper. And phone notes. One right after the other. And another. And then some more. To do lists written & discarded. It's the relationship with paper that I knew I was improving with Ritalin, it's why I knew the Ritalin stopped working & why I know the new meds are bullshit. It's so very painful to have something & lose it. It's so very painful to recognise things you want to change but are powerless to change. That I'm not the boss of it. That trying isn't enough. All of it. And for a disease / disorder I legit didn't know was real - when my autoimmune doc said "it sounds like you have ADHD", I said "is that even a thing?"
And when I told my ex, they said word for word the same thing. Oh, the fucking ignorance! The obliviousness! And then to learn about it, & realise that it's entwined so thoroughly through my life & behaviour that I can barely see what is left of me outside of it. Things I thought were my personality, things I thought were my failings, things that were clearly masking & overcompensating behaviours - like I spent my whole work life with jazz hands showing what I was achieving to cover up what I wasn't.
It's been a lot. But my decision to CTB is outside of that. Or at least the life I had being diagnosed so late - if I'd been younger, there just might have been a chance for me… who knows???
But to your actual question (FFS, so sorry…), it's a no to the Tor question. I don't know anything about it.
I have a few major obstacles in this process (outside of the ADHD, the autoimmune disease & being extremely time poor & with a looming deadline)
1 being that I am a tech newbie & have no idea what the fuck I'm doing, none. None.
2 I'm currently still sharing a house with my ex (it is so far from ideal, but there is literally no other option right now & I need to still be with my pets) - the ex is ultra tech savvy, like build your own computer for fun kinda person, plus is super super super well known for digital snooping (coercive control, the whole works) - my only access to desktops is at work or shared with the ex - I don't know what to be looking for in terms of programs they may have installed or mistakes I might make - it's taken me forever just to get my own Apple ID, an email account the ex doesn't know about, figuring out what a vpn is & how to get one & use it…. And then being limited to just using the goddamn iPhone. I feel like it'll take me years to scroll through all the necessary info, when it could be so much quicker on a desktop. And the slow tap tap tap compared to touch typing!!!
But I just want to do this once (CTB) & succeed & I'm just too scared I'll leave a trail. The ex wouldn't be fussed if I CTB'd, they have a parent that's a narcissist & I've been very slow to work out that the ex is too - there's something missing where empathy should be - but I am very concerned, beyond concerned, terrified, shaking in my boots, keeping me up at night & a steady stream of wee running down my leg (the last one not literally!) the sneaky or shitty things they could do - have me sectioned for being suicidal, jailed for illegal substances, find the substance & replace it with something else, blackmail me or family members, tell my boss - I don't think there's a bottom they wouldn't stoop to, that they might actually enjoy the revenge. Or just the sport of it, like a cat toying with a mouse - I just can't chance it.
So any advice you have, on absolutely fucking anything that could help me, please chuck it my way. I don't actually know anything about Tor & such. Despite the adhd, I was a ridiculously good student with a photographic memory (brain is completely fried now though, like utterly fried, can't remember anything for longer than a goldfish). So on top of everything else, this is the first time I've felt so much of a complete dumbarse. That this is too hard for me. That it's outside my skill set. That I'll never achieve it.
And that makes me feel desperate & desperate people are stupid, they make mistakes. I wanna make informed decisions, do this once, do this right, do this soon & have it all behind me.
It's not just time, it's past time.
And I just need help with all the logistics so I don't fail by just taking all the pills in front of me & ending up brain dead or in hospital.
I. Just. Can't. Fail. At. This

 

[Philipp_Mainländer1]

Ha! Rejection Sensitivity was a revelation. Also, a gender specific associated syndrome, amongst others. Explained so very much about me. Ritalin worked for me when I was first diagnosed - I was too scared to tell anyone except my then partner - life started turning around & I had hope for the first time ever - I could see a new & better life, where I could maybe overcome all the obstacles in my way (that's me, I'm the obstacle! Ha, also the goddamn ADHD…) And then, when I actually got Covid, I was barely sick at all, a bit worse than a cold, way way better than the flu, but the Ritalin mysteriously stopped working. My psych had no idea, my autoimmune doctor no idea, but atypical & idiosyncratic reactions to meds are super common in my family & it was just written off as that. Came off Ritalin, started another med, & it's just not the same. I never understood why I had paper clutter endlessly surrounding me, why my surfaces were never clear, all of that. And isounds like you have ADn the blessed period with Ritalin, the paper disappeared, the hoarding disappeared, every surface was like a Marie Kondo fucking ad & I loved it & was proud of it & really felt that between the meds & understanding myself, that things would change. And now, I can't tell you about the clutter everywhere, the started but not finished things & the paper. So much paper. And phone notes. One right after the other. And another. And then some more. To do lists written & discarded. It's the relationship with paper that I knew I was improving with Ritalin, it's why I knew the Ritalin stopped working & why I know the new meds are bullshit. It's so very painful to have something & lose it. It's so very painful to recognise things you want to change but are powerless to change. That I'm not the boss of it. That trying isn't enough. All of it. And for a disease / disorder I legit didn't know was real - when my autoimmune doc said "itHD", I said "is that even a thing?"
And when I told my ex, they said word for word the same thing. Oh, the fucking ignorance! The obliviousness! And then to learn about it, & realise that it's entwined so thoroughly through my life & behaviour that I can barely see what is left of me outside of it. Things I thought were my personality, things I thought were my failings, things that were clearly masking & overcompensating behaviours - like I spent my whole work life with jazz hands showing what I was achieving to cover up what I wasn't.
It's been a lot. But my decision to CTB is outside of that. Or at least the life I had being diagnosed so late - if I'd been younger, there just might have been a chance for me… who knows???
But to your actual question (FFS, so sorry…), it's a no to the Tor question. I don't know anything about it.
I have a few major obstacles in this process (outside of the ADHD, the autoimmune disease & being extremely time poor & with a looming deadline)
1 being that I am a tech newbie & have no idea what the fuck I'm doing, none. None.
2 I'm currently still sharing a house with my ex (it is so far from ideal, but there is literally no other option right now & I need to still be with my pets) - the ex is ultra tech savvy, like build your own computer for fun kinda person, plus is super super super well known for digital snooping (coercive control, the whole works) - my only access to desktops is at work or shared with the ex - I don't know what to be looking for in terms of programs they may have installed or mistakes I might make - it's taken me forever just to get my own Apple ID, an email account the ex doesn't know about, figuring out what a vpn is & how to get one & use it…. And then being limited to just using the goddamn iPhone. I feel like it'll take me years to scroll through all the necessary info, when it could be so much quicker on a desktop. And the slow tap tap tap compared to touch typing!!!
But I just want to do this once (CTB) & succeed & I'm just too scared I'll leave a trail. The ex wouldn't be fussed if I CTB'd, they have a parent that's a narcissist & I've been very slow to work out that the ex is too - there's something missing where empathy should be - but I am very concerned, beyond concerned, terrified, shaking in my boots, keeping me up at night & a steady stream of wee running down my leg (the last one not literally!) the sneaky or shitty things they could do - have me sectioned for being suicidal, jailed for illegal substances, find the substance & replace it with something else, blackmail me or family members, tell my boss - I don't think there's a bottom they wouldn't stoop to, that they might actually enjoy the revenge. Or just the sport of it, like a cat toying with a mouse - I just can't chance it.
So any advice you have, on absolutely fucking anything that could help me, please chuck it my way. I don't actually know anything about Tor & such. Despite the adhd, I was a ridiculously good student with a photographic memory (brain is completely fried now though, like utterly fried, can't remember anything for longer than a goldfish). So on top of everything else, this is the first time I've felt so much of a complete dumbarse. That this is too hard for me. That it's outside my skill set. That I'll never achieve it.
And that makes me feel desperate & desperate people are stupid, they make mistakes. I wanna make informed decisions, do this once, do this right, do this soon & have it all behind me.
It's not just time, it's past time.
And I just need help with all the logistics so I don't fail by just taking all the pills in front of me & ending up brain dead or in hospital.
I. Just. Can't. Fail. At. This

It's frustrating to feel that lack of control, and seeing people close to you have the same level of expectations for you even though you're clearly suffering. People I've talked to have also had the same expeirence with stims, that is the 'grace period'. I'm sorry to hear that your ex is a invasive, that's very frustrating for sourcing requirements and honestly they shouln't be snooping where they shouldn't. If you can source a cheap laptop at anypoint, I'd advise getting a password on it ASAP as using Tor markets is not ideal on phones.

Setting up tor isn't too hard, it's just like downloading Chrome or any other browser. Just download the browser from https://www.torproject.org/download/ for Windows or Mac. The site I use to find drugs is dark.fail you just copy and paste the .onion links into the url bar and you have to set up an account (archetyp market is pretty good, and you might have luck on dread, but I think there's some alternative tor markets that have been talked about on SaSu). I'm not sure if they have SN listed, but they do have fentanyl, benzos, herion (very expensive though) and other drugs that can work for CTB. I'm thinking about a large dose of fent with a combination of benzos might work.

Other than that, you might have some luck scouring the surface web for SN, as I'm sure there's something somewhere. Try using different search engines like DuckDuckGo. I was going to ask the OP if they could give me some directions as to where they sourced theirs.

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

It's frustrating to feel that lack of control, and seeing people close to you have the same level of expectations for you even though you're clearly suffering. People I've talked to have also had the same expeirence with stims, that is the 'grace period'. I'm sorry to hear that your ex is a invasive, that's very frustrating for sourcing requirements and honestly they shouln't be snooping where they shouldn't. If you can source a cheap laptop at anypoint, I'd advise getting a password on it ASAP as using Tor markets is not ideal on phones.

Setting up tor isn't too hard, it's just like downloading Chrome or any other browser. Just download the browser from https://www.torproject.org/download/ for Windows or Mac. The site I use to find drugs is dark.fail you just copy and paste the .onion links into the url bar and you have to set up an account (archetyp market is pretty good, and you might have luck on dread, but I think there's some alternative tor markets that have been talked about on SaSu). I'm not sure if they have SN listed, but they do have fentanyl, benzos, herion (very expensive though) and other drugs that can work for CTB. I'm thinking about a large dose of fent with a combination of benzos might work.

Other than that, you might have some luck scouring the surface web for SN, as I'm sure there's something somewhere. Try using different search engines like DuckDuckGo. I was going to ask the OP if they could give me some directions as to where they sourced theirs.

Thanks for the info.
I really don't have the time or the money to spare to get a laptop & set it up & figure out the dark web & payment stuff - I'm tech illiterate & things that are easy for others, will literally, literally take me months. It took me a month or more to get access to sasu because of blocked country & finding ip address on phone & figuring out the vpn stuff - that would've taken my ex a total of 2 minutes, for me, it was rejection on top of rejection. I can't state enough how crap I am at this stuff. Plus no car, no money, no time.
I keep thinking that "tomorrow" I'll figure out what to do…
But it's getting dire as I won't have somewhere to live shortly - there's a chance of that being postponed & I might get more time, might be able to stretch it out, maybe even a few months, I can't be sure. The official date is the last day of May which is coming up quick & freaking me out, & again I'm hoping tomorrow will fix that problem. The nowhere to live bit isn't why I wanna CTB but it does affect what I can order & to where & if I need to just crack on with alternatives to SN.
So, I've got a few options
1 get a laptop & do all the stuff even though I don't have the time, money or skills
2 try to do what I can on my iPhone - I was sent a DMC link but I have no idea if that is safe to access on my phone - I'm using proton as my vpn.
3 post what meds are in my possession & see if any of that will do the trick…
I think I'll do 3 now & see if anything comes of that.
Any advice on using iPhone to use DMC link & payment & safety etc in Australia particularly, including how long it normally takes to arrive would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks