Wow! Thanks for your response. I haven't been on sasu in a few days - real world circumstances again.
I only got diagnosed with ADHD right before Covid hit & it was so blindingly obvious, I dunno how it was missed. I feel like the exact poster child for a syndrome that I legit didn't know was actually "real". And then it became ridiculously clear that I inherited it from my father - he was diagnosed bipolar & it completely fucked his life - small town, wrong meds, misunderstood, shame, gossip, all of that.
When I was diagnosed, I experienced so much grief - for every chance lost, for every failure that wasn't actually mine, but that I spent a life time internalising that I was just wrong, broken, lazy.
I could see the sliding doors of every better outcome in every area of my life if I had known & been treated. And I mourned it all.
And then when I realised it came from dad - someone who was never diagnosed in his lifetime - I grieved for him & felt so much empathy & saw his perspective that would've been incredible to have while he was alive.
A game changer.
I understand him now. I understand myself now.
But it's just too late. A day late, a buck short.
My real life circumstances are getting worse - money is super tight & it's very likely I won't be living where I am much longer but am immobilised to do anything about it. I think part of me thinks it's pointless - just get the tools to get the job done instead.
So I probably do need to hurry up & order & ASAP.
I haven't done a DM yet, still such a newbie to all this. But absolutely anything you can pass on would be so greatly appreciated.
I need a source, I need to find out about testing kits & how you got on with that.
I need to research the whole protocol properly - I have some expired antiemetics by chance but I dunno what else is out there or what to do.
I want to CTB, it needs to be done, it needs to be done soon, but am paralysed to act because of my crushing fear of failure. Plus time management, ha!
In terms of the packaging, was there anything distinctive written on it, anything that someone else could google, that sort of thing???
I'm terrified of being intercepted by anyone else - the level of snooping by my ex is incredibly high. Which made me think to get a P.O. Box just for this but then freaked out about it going through more hands & more chance of detection. I recently had a will kit & power of attorney kit sent to my work & emailed the company explicitly prior to not have anything that could be googled on the outside & they sent me the loveliest message of support of my circumstances & how there would be no chance of detection - when it arrived it was covered in a million handwritten notes saying private & confidential & for my-insert-name-here-eyes-only etc which only increased interest. And then stamped by the name of the fucking company. And when you type it in to google, it immediately comes up who they are & what they do. FFS. I was very lucky that I had told my boss prior what was coming & why but I still don't know how many of my coworkers saw it, I just know that if my ex saw it, it would be a clusterfuck of epic proportions. I'm not trying to punish anyone, I'm just trying to make it that if someone is rewarded financially by my death - super etc, I legit have no money - that someone abusive should not profit from their abuse. But to be fair, I have wanted to CTB since before I met them, that decision is separate from my relationship & it's breakdown & their abuse isn't part of this in any way other than my not wanting them to be rewarded.
I wish I had access to this site on a desktop - it's so tedious to research. And it's quite painful to me to write such rambling messages that are difficult to edit, I just tap slowly at my phone & post instead of thinking it through & editing.
Maybe I should write with pen & paper first, but I'm paranoid I'll get distracted & leave it laying around somewhere (it's not really paranoia when you know it's defs what you'll do, like one hundo!!)
I have a plan of how to be found by emergency services - I wouldn't inflict that on anyone.
Whatevs. Stop rambling. Post. Walk away. Get ready for work.
Please whatever you can send to me privately, go bananas. I can feel the ticking clock, I can feel that it is exactly shit or get off the pot time.
I need to do this. I need help to do this & not fuck it up. I wanna do something that earns a gold fucking star of doing this right.
Apologies again. I know sorry is supposed to result in change of behaviour & I'm still just rambling away like a mofo.
I'm not usually like this.
Any help appreciated
Thanks sorry repeat
