Story About the time when I was close to commiting suicide...

[Ghostlights]

In spring of 2024, I lost my best friend to suicide. I've had problems with my mental health since childhood, but as you can imagine, this event made it a lot worse. I was barely eating anything and sleeping only one to max. five hours a night. During summer break, when I was alone at home with my dad (whom I cannot stand), I stayed awake for nearly 50 hours... not on purpose, but I guess my mind was probably too fucked up. I started having hallucinations... some weird figure like shadow in the corner of my eyes, which appeared every few minutes and some strange whispering... there were multiple voices, or rather the same voice whispering multiple things at the same time, not really words, just gibberish. Of course I knew it was not real, but I became more paranoid with every minute and started to think that this shadow might be my death, which is just waiting for me to do the right thing. When it was night again, I found myself on a bridge... I climbed over the handrail, there were some train tracks underneath... it was pretty high, but not as high as I'd like it to be if I'd choose to ctb while being sane. Behind the handrail, the bridge continued for about a metre and a half before it ended. I stood at the edge for some time and stared down. I don't know how long I was standing there and what kept me from jumping, because I didn't feel any fear in this moment, but for some reason I returned home and was finally able to sleep. Maybe I didn't jump, because it didn't feel real... I felt like I was in a simulation, time didn't feel real, I did not feel real, the whole world...

 

[here_for_now]

Sorry for your loss, and you're a fucking soldier for surviving this. Your best friend is still watching over you my friend
If you need a suicidal miserable person to talk to I'm all ears

 

[Ghostlights]

Sorry for your loss, and you're a fucking soldier for surviving this. Your best friend is still watching over you my friend
If you need a suicidal miserable person to talk to I'm all ears

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it! I just wish I had been there when he texted me for the last time. (It wasn't a scheduled message, but it was at night and I was asleep, saw it in the morning when it was too late). This forum helps me a bit to accept that maybe I couldn't have changed it... even if had been awake at that time.

 

[embr3ce2026]

In spring of 2024, I lost my best friend to suicide. I've had problems with my mental health since childhood, but as you can imagine, this event made it a lot worse. I was barely eating anything and sleeping only one to max. five hours a night. During summer break, when I was alone at home with my dad (whom I cannot stand), I stayed awake for nearly 50 hours... not on purpose, but I guess my mind was probably too fucked up. I started having hallucinations... some weird figure like shadow in the corner of my eyes, which appeared every few minutes and some strange whispering... there were multiple voices, or rather the same voice whispering multiple things at the same time, not really words, just gibberish. Of course I knew it was not real, but I became more paranoid with every minute and started to think that this shadow might be my death, which is just waiting for me to do the right thing. When it was night again, I found myself on a bridge... I climbed over the handrail, there were some train tracks underneath... it was pretty high, but not as high as I'd like it to be if I'd choose to ctb while being sane. Behind the handrail, the bridge continued for about a metre and a half before it ended. I stood at the edge for some time and stared down. I don't know how long I was standing there and what kept me from jumping, because I didn't feel any fear in this moment, but for some reason I returned home and was finally able to sleep. Maybe I didn't jump, because it didn't feel real... I felt like I was in a simulation, time didn't feel real, I did not feel real, the whole world...

awh I can relate to a lot of your feelings and experiences friend, I also lost my best, lifelong friend to suicide last September after he developed alcoholism after a p chaotic childhood and was likely the last person he spoke to aside from his dad. i've similarly been processing that I couldn't have changed what he chose in the end. I hope me and you can make peace with our similar experiences/circumstances :) I'm here for ya to work through it or if ya want a chat or anything no bother too! :)

 

[Red.one]

You're really strong. Depersonalization usually make me more eager to make to worst possible choices. You handled it great. So sorry for your loss - my best friend and her mental problems is one of my strongest keepers. The last thing I want is to pull her after me into the grave.