Story A Worried Souls’ Manifesto 3: Dissonance of Love

[SatinSoul]

— A Serialized Story written by SatinSoul —

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NOTE: This is not a manual, a treatment plan, or professional medical advice. I am not a doctor. This is my personal raw, unfiltered, ongoing soul-searching story. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't.

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A WORRIED SOULS' MANIFESTO
Chapter 3: Dissonance of Love​

There's a massive, obvious structural flaw in the architecture of the Cathedral, a crack in the logic of the misery that I never knew how to explain. It is the Double Standard of the Damned.

Everytime i think of my friends i feel like my misery has to do overtime to keep the thought spiral going. Some friends are still fighting the tide of misery. Others have already been swept away. I think of them and my heart becomes a furnace of protective rage. A furnace strong enough to melt a skyscraper a day. For them, I would burn the entire world to the ground, to see their eyes light up with sparks of joy, even for just a few minutes.

I want the beautiful life my 6 year old me dreamt up for them. I want the fresh coffee smell, the sunsets, and the boring grocery store lines for every person I have ever loved. I think of the ones I've lost; the ones who chose to take their lives or the ones who got surprised by the golden shot in a desperate attempt to silence the demons once again. In my mind winning the Grand Heroin Lottery, if it would have been me. But it was my friends, and suddenly the win doesn't feel desirable anymore.

I don't look at their memory and demand they stay in the hole to prove their pain was real. I know it was real. I was there with them, reciting the psalms at the Misery Cathedral. I don't see them as traitors for wanting out. I see their desire for peace as the most honest thing about them.

So why is forgiveness a gift when I give it to them, but a betrayal when I give it to myself?

Why do I allow them to live while I sentence myself to the living hell? Why do I grant them the right to be happy, but treat my own fulfillment like a crime against my past?

It is a cruel, dissonant math, and I am finally seeing the glitch. By denying myself the fulfilling life I deserve, I am indirectly telling everyone I love that the misery hole is the only valid place to be. When I refuse to heal because it feels like selling out, I am looking at my friends and telling them that their healing is also a lie. I am reinforcing the walls of the very prison I want them to escape. Every time I sabotage a nice moment to protect my VIP status in the misery, I am whispering to the people I love: "Don't bother looking for the exit. There is no honor in the air, and the light is just a trick."

To love someone is to want them to be free. But to love them truly, I have to be willing to show them that freedom is actually possible. If I am willing to burn the world for their joy, I have to be brave enough to let the world stop burning for mine. I have to realize that my fulfillment isn't an insult to the fallen. It is the only way to prove that their struggle wasn't a dead end.

The dissonance is fading. I am realizing that I cannot be a lifeboat for my friends if I am still trying to drown myself in the upcoming tide.

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NAVIGATION
☜︎ Prior Chapter | Next Chapter ☞︎

THE COMPLETE MANIFESTO
1. Annual Breach of Contract
2. Pain is the Only Truth
3. Dissonance of Love
4. Infiltrating the Future
5. The Living Memorial

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Note: These chapters are being released on a staggered schedule (every 2 hours to prevent flooding). If a link below isn't active yet, check back shortly. Story split into separate threads to prevent a wall of text.
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