Caution: impromptu epic exposition
I look back on the whole thing sadly, and sad that the whole situation played out the way it did. I try to remember what state of mind I was in when she posted her goodbye thread, but I can't. It's just fluctuated so much, and it's ironic that she only came on a few times, got the method down, and then bam, she did it. I know there's a big difference in my state of mind when I've "attempted," and when I've attempted. The 3 serious attempts I didn't talk to anyone, and if I wasn't using Hollywood promoted methods, I'd be dead now. What Im saying us, she was scared, but I believe her mind was pretty made up. And our well wishes are part of the community, and I jumped on it to comfort her, not encourage it. It's like her mind was made up, what more could I do? I didn't even know what was going on for like a week, until someone pointed out my post had been one of the singled out ones. Then it was like total shock, and I know this could end up on FB, but I can really be an insensitive jerk. I don't like to look at some things I said, but then again, I think during that time I was pulling off the road and sitting in my car for hours because I didn't want to face life, but I didn't want another failed attempt. I'm so wrapped up in issues I've had my entire life, and the last few years have been the worst. Mostly because I have a therapist I can trust and talk to. But no one wants to hear about the fact that getting better may mean getting worse first. This isn't just Ruffian the ruffian speaking, either. I was telling my doctor who is one of the top ten in my area about the pain of getting better and all he could say was you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs. A direct quote from someone managing my psychiatric medication.
And there's the rub for me. There's so much hype about having the "conversation," about suicide, but the people pushing that narrative want it to be a 2 minute conversation. If you've ever gotten a good suicide prevention person on the phone you know how long they take with you. And their time is limited and they really just want to make sure you're going to stay alive. But it takes a while to unravel why at that particular moment you may have the courage to jump, but you're calling for help at the same time. You always hear about how there's help, but people here (chronic pain and/or illness people I know your stories may be different and you may not suffer the psychological piece) have run the gamut of trying treatments. There's a lot of disappointment and setbacks, but any mental health website makes it sound like you make a gratitude list, think positive, and everything turns around. I was kicked out of an online support group because I refused to say something I was grateful for. Not because I don't have anything, but because I refuse to believe I can force myself to feel better or pretend I'm not in the middle of some pre-verbal, primordial grief that I need to process.
I think maybe the recovery forum has its roots in Ms. Shawn's story. Maybe because it isn't obvious to people right away that just knowing you have the tools to a peaceful death can go a long way towards increasing your will to live.Also this forum is the 1st place I EVER met people who had the same level of depression I've experienced, or worse. And have tried everything and failed or ended up worse. People who became blimps on anti-psychotics and now wont take them, people who were fucked from years of antidepressants and benzodiazepines, and how there's just not always a tidy way to clean up the oil spill one manic episode or BPD explosion can cause in your life. I use other forums for support, but this is the most "Been down so goddamned long it looks like up to me," active forum I've been on in years. The last 2 I joined had great threads, but they were almost always dead. SS is always jumping. I love when a good thread takes off or you get stuck in a stupid 3 way conversation about sick movies. It was scary when we got all that exposure and there was a bunch of fighting, but I'm glad I stuck around. I always think I'm over it and want to ban myself, but I just feel like there's nowhere for me to go. Plus it's truly a world wide forum, and people are really opening up my eyes to a lot of things. Like wow, things are done differently than than the US way?
I don't know how much sense this makes, if any. I would like it to be a way to encourage people to talk more about their feelings, without being labeled as sick or dark. @Tortured_empath hit it on the head with the amygdala reference. Years of pain and depression do change how your brain works. Intellect is one of the first things to go, followed by emotional regulation. You don't just bounce back from that. It would be good for us all to move to a stage beyond who is right or wrong to what helps and what doesn't.
