5 years out and i've fallen back

[drnhng]

In 2020 I was going to ctb and i just can't believe how far i i went and how much I blew it these past few years. I somehow recovered and was living a quarter decent life, but the abyss hidden in my head i couldnt ever get rid of. Now it's officially rotted all the externals of my life back to hell and I can't believe im back. a self organizing selfisolating device is stuck in my head. it just all circles back, and now i'm addicted to weed and vaping too. feel pathetic and like i let myself down. the only thing stopping me from ctb is the fear of reincarnation and almost knowing that i didn't go through what i was supposed to go through this life. and it'll be put upon me again in my next one. it suxx

 

[IsolatedChaos]

I hear you.
My life just fell apart completely after 5 years of healing, and now I'm just.... Back where I was. Even before 5 years ago. It feels like all the feelings I felt when I was a kid, and a teenager, just didn't change one bit. I feel so defeated.
I hope things will get better for you, somehow