Basically as the title says. Somewhere along the line I lost the ability to put my head down and take things seriously.
Don't think there was a single time I studied more than one day before a test for basically all of my schooling. To the effect that I did study I mostly crammed the night before and in the morning out of desperation, and it even worked well enough to a point. Tried a bunch of stuff, everything they tell you to do including flashcards and Pomodoro timers or whatever, and evidently nothing's ever seemed to work. This Monday was my midterms for some class I'm taking, it was open note even, but when it came down to it I just froze in front of the test questions and due to a combination of time constraints and lack of preparation I did pretty shit on it. Similar story with previous tests and even other previous classes.
Related but everybody probably knows the ubiquitous question "what do you want to be when you grow up" from some intrusive schoolmarm or family friend, and I never used to know what to say even as a little kid, so I just told people whatever they wanted to hear most or some out of pocket answer. I've never really had a definite life goal to work towards besides maybe what my parents expected of me (they didn't explicitly say wanted but heavily heavily implied) which was to go get a STEM degree and work at some company for fat stacks or vicariously fulfill my dad's expectations and going into academia. And I sort of bought that LARP until it started to eat me from the inside and I became utterly unmotivated to do anything (to clarify not due to a lack of ability rather a lack of effort). Back in high school I remember I used to feel unending shame because I felt like I was letting my parents down and sort of betraying my station because I used to be regarded by classmates as the one to go to for help with homework etc. but I got shit scores because of the aforementioned lack of ability to lock in. It sucked too because over time I saw my friend circle stay much more well-adjusted than me and were more socially active as well because they locked in etc. I've basically accepted the fact that I'm defective and terminally uninterested at this point and have nothing physical to really live for besides my current material conditions and my family I guess. Perhaps before I would have agonized about how different my future could've been (had I locked in) but I don't think I really can anymore.
Don't think there was a single time I studied more than one day before a test for basically all of my schooling. To the effect that I did study I mostly crammed the night before and in the morning out of desperation, and it even worked well enough to a point. Tried a bunch of stuff, everything they tell you to do including flashcards and Pomodoro timers or whatever, and evidently nothing's ever seemed to work. This Monday was my midterms for some class I'm taking, it was open note even, but when it came down to it I just froze in front of the test questions and due to a combination of time constraints and lack of preparation I did pretty shit on it. Similar story with previous tests and even other previous classes.
Related but everybody probably knows the ubiquitous question "what do you want to be when you grow up" from some intrusive schoolmarm or family friend, and I never used to know what to say even as a little kid, so I just told people whatever they wanted to hear most or some out of pocket answer. I've never really had a definite life goal to work towards besides maybe what my parents expected of me (they didn't explicitly say wanted but heavily heavily implied) which was to go get a STEM degree and work at some company for fat stacks or vicariously fulfill my dad's expectations and going into academia. And I sort of bought that LARP until it started to eat me from the inside and I became utterly unmotivated to do anything (to clarify not due to a lack of ability rather a lack of effort). Back in high school I remember I used to feel unending shame because I felt like I was letting my parents down and sort of betraying my station because I used to be regarded by classmates as the one to go to for help with homework etc. but I got shit scores because of the aforementioned lack of ability to lock in. It sucked too because over time I saw my friend circle stay much more well-adjusted than me and were more socially active as well because they locked in etc. I've basically accepted the fact that I'm defective and terminally uninterested at this point and have nothing physical to really live for besides my current material conditions and my family I guess. Perhaps before I would have agonized about how different my future could've been (had I locked in) but I don't think I really can anymore.
