Zi’s Diary, Entry 34

[Chuuya-Chan ⋆. 𐙚˚]

This was the first day in the past 3 days that I haven't cried and it was nice.

Spent the day with my bf today.

We did our usual, but we also went for ice cream, I was stuffed

Honestly the drive home I felt rather conflicted. I just don't see a point in these stupid ups and downs, I want to be one or the other and no in between of wanting to be here or not.

I just want to decide and go on with it.

 

[Chuuya-Chan ⋆. 𐙚˚]

Dang it, I can't edit my post but I wanted to add more to it the next morning bc I was so tired.


There's a lot more to say about yesterday.


There were moments when I was out that I was thinking really morbidly and zoning out, but I was also really tired despite sleeping a lot, and he noticed.

We were out a little later than expected bc his car had an issue, but when he was driving me home he asked me how I was feeling and I said fine the first time and than he asked again and I said not really.

Even though I haven't really told him precisely how I've felt and what I experience, I've told him I'm sad; but I think he knows it's deeper than that especially when he asked me what I was thinking and I told him that I wanted to live life quickly and die.

He said that didn't make sense because I haven't been living, I've been under a rock and don't even know what the world really is and what it can offer.

He said that I should try to live first and than see if it really isn't for me.

I don't really have any input because it's true.

I feel too defeated by the thought to having to live anyways.

He told me if I really want something to do it than. But I don't have that burning desire for anything. But, I know what he means so I'll try his advice.

Xxx