Discussion Choosing to stay when you have anhedonia/preventing impulsive attempts

[madeincruddy]

Kinda unsure whether I should post this in the recovery or suicide subforum, either way, the idea is the same

How are other people with anhedonia living right now? Even if you're just stalling, any ideas would help. Ideally I'd stay until November, but life is genuinely just exhausting to go through. I have plans between now and then that I know I'd be excited for if it wasn't for anhedonia, but I don't really feel anything when I think about missing them. The only thing I'm really thinking is that I should stay for the other person's sake. Even plans I have this month I don't want to stay for, even though they should make me happy

I saw a video a few days ago that I think encapsulated my problem pretty well. It was about people with depression, suicidal ideation, and ADHD. Since our brains are kind of hardwired to look for an immediate way out of our discomfort, suicidal ideation can be a bit more dangerous, especially when we don't have anything to look forward to. That made a lot of sense to me. I've definitely been feeling that, most nights that I'm awake for I spend a lot of time talking myself out of attempting, even though I wouldn't be following the plan/protocol I set for myself at all.

I think the main thing preventing me right now is I don't know if there's any way for me to 'back out' of an attempt if I have any doubts, since I most often feel like this at night, when everybody else is asleep, and I've always been much too anxious to call emergency services/ask my family to for me. Maybe I'm underestimating my survival instinct though, I wouldn't know until it happens. I technically have a 'safety plan' I wrote with my therapist, but I threw it away as soon as I got home that day and I don't remember what I put on it at all. If I remember correctly, my sibling told me I could wake them up at night if anything was wrong, but I'm really hesitant to do that. I guess I'd rather wake them up than either of my parents, but I also don't really want anyone in proximity to me to know I'm actively suicidal. Like, I worry that if I tell them, they might monitor me more closely, which I don't want. Most of my online friends are asleep by the time it sets in and I think I annoyed one of my friends by being in a weird mood all day yesterday so I don't want to be like that anymore

I guess the most obvious answer to 'preventing an attempt' is going to a psych ward/mental hospital, but everything in my area is rated pretty poorly, and I really want to avoid any more stress for both me and my family. That might be the best option, I really don't know

I used to rely on my special interest a lot to distract me from suicidal ideation but even that doesn't help anymore

Sorry, I think I ended up rambling a lot and I'm probably not being as clear as I could be. I'm having a hard time thinking/typing recently. If anyone has any ideas at all I'd appreciate it, or I guess if anybody relates that's nice to know, I just feel like I'm kind of out of options in terms of support

 

[squiddedoutt]

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[madeincruddy]

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Yeah, that makes sense. My anhedonia only set in fairly recently so I haven't gotten used to it. If I had to guess, it's been maybe a month with anhedonia, before then I was kind of halfway there, still able to enjoy some things. I think I'm pretty much 95% anhedonic. I also have brief moments of happiness or relief but they never last very long. Whatever I've been getting at night is relatively new, though. I don't really know what to call it.

A warmline is a good idea though, I'll definitely keep it in mind. I don't think I knew something like that existed so I appreciate it.

Hopefully I'll just get used to this, if it's not gonna get better

 

[squiddedoutt]

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[madeincruddy]

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I guess the severity of my suicidal thoughts, or the actual urge to do something. Lately, when I'm alone at night, I just get this severe anxious/dreadful feeling in my chest, and the only thing I can think of is making that feeling go away, at that point suicide immediately comes to mind. The closest I've gotten to doing anything is preparing the drink for my method, then keeping it stored in a bottle. I'm pretty similar, I think I get overstimulated during the day bcs of the combination of light/noise/daily tasks etc. So I don't really feel happy during the day either. Before I was dealing with active SI at night it was prime time for me to do things I used to like, drawing, writing, whatever else. I listen to music everyday, I'd say I 'enjoy' it, it doesn't get anything emotional out of me but it's stimulating at the very least.

I guess the worst thing about anhedonia is I'm not totally numb, I can still feel every horrible thing I've been feeling before, I just can't feel any sort of positive emotion to balance it out/make it worth 'toughing out', either