why not?

[closetoyou]

things haven't gotten better, and they never did. lost my mum, lost my friends. left with just myself and my own thoughts, spiraling without a care of getting better at this point.

living with some family recently. i have arguments with my sister, though still love her, and i don't want to ruin her life but nothing is working out for me. i hate my father and even though i finish my degree this year and can move out again, every day i spend with him drives me insane.

the friends i meet in uni don't add up to anything, and even weeks of bonding over projects and developing a rapport will mean nothing as they barely acknowledge you past that point in hallways. you'll find friends that you'll love but will abandon you when you need them or slowly leave you behind.

i dont know if im too sensitive. not built for other people. i cant relate to other people. i used to think i had a heart but i dont know where it went.

medication doesn't work. therapy isn't working. i should put in more homework. i know that if i actually put in more self care, i probably would feel better. but why? im never going to reach a point where i won't not be depressed - just managed. and it feels like a farse. people have hurt me. people will continue to hurt me. through my childhood, adolescence and even know - people seem to fail me. and i will let them down also.

the foundation is too rotten. im not going to rehabilitate myself into a person that can give another so much intimate love that it will ever matter. ive been abused too much to ever just lean in for a hug. the better version of me is a version of myself that i can envision and acknowledge that with enough effort, i could become that person - but i dont want to be that person. that person is still me, and i fucking hate myself and wish i was anything but.

i wish i was less sensitive to minor transgressions. i wish i could just walk pass by my father's insults. i wish i could just push through. i wish i didnt have so much fucking bullshit in my past. i wish i loved. i wish somebody could fall in love with me. i wish i was capable of loving. i wish i could just look back at my life and smile, and not having to piece together fragments as i ignore the overwhelmingly majority of it being trauma.

i dont want to give up, but i'm getting close. and the only reason i'm holding on is just not to ruin my sister's life. i'm just venting, i guess. i want things to be better. but i don't think they can be.

ive got sn and all i need is an anti-emetic (which i can easily get). why not?

 

[timf]

One's view of life can narrow considerably when things are not going well. This narrowness can make other options and possibilities seem remote and unobtainable. That you will soon be able to start your own life and configure it as you would like, you life should open up considerably with all sorts of possibilities.

If you have a deeper personality, you will find it more difficult to find others similarly deep with whom you can build real relationships including romantic ones. The trick is to find places with a higher chance of meeting others who have depth as well as getting better at identifying those who have depth.

 

[closetoyou]

One's view of life can narrow considerably when things are not going well. This narrowness can make other options and possibilities seem remote and unobtainable. That you will soon be able to start your own life and configure it as you would like, you life should open up considerably with all sorts of possibilities.

If you have a deeper personality, you will find it more difficult to find others similarly deep with whom you can build real relationships including romantic ones. The trick is to find places with a higher chance of meeting others who have depth as well as getting better at identifying those who have depth.

I just feel like everything's closing in on me. What I have drifts away and all my efforts to start anew are a constant exercise where I seem to just to keep tripping over.

Appreciate your response a lot. Hanging on for a bit but it gets tough sometimes

 

[timf]

Sometimes a person can be overwhelmed by considering changing or fixing their whole life. It might be more manageable to experiment with a small corner of your life that you can control and make work how you like. For example an hour or two a week with some activity you enjoy. If you can establish that much contro, it may be a way to build on so that you can take more control until you have a life that is going the way you want.