iCryInMySecretSpot
Member
- Apr 24, 2026
- 9
I am new to this forum, and I plan on being semi active while I consider my CTB method. I wanted to share why because I find it therapeutic to do so.
TW for homophobia and sexual assault
I was born and raised in a muslim country. I was also relatively feminine since a young age and knew I was into men since 12.
As you can imagine, despite having a wealthy family that sent me to boarding school, endless vacations, etc, I still had a difficult childhood.
I was lonely throughout middle and highschool, including bullying and was once beaten by my brother for "joking" that I was gay . My family, friends, extended family etc were all homophobic as well. I had to become masculine to socially survive and participate in their jokes as well.
I grew up memorizing the Quran, praying, etc so imagine how difficult coming into terms with my identity was. I truly do believe I am going to hell and I'm scared.
I love my family - they raised me well, were always nice to me, etc. But if I were to ever come out, it would cause a huge fight and likely cut me off.
Anyway, this compelled me to study hard and immigrate. My parents paid my tuition and I got the chance to move to Canada at 17 alone. At the start, I had a lot of hope.
I took the chance to explore my sexuality since I never had even my first kiss (illegal). My first experience at 17 was a much much older man (+40) who removed his condom without my consent. Awful, but it didn't destroy me. What hurt was that 2 years later, I was catfished + held down by another man. I tried to push back/get up a little but when he forced me down, my mind went blank and I "took it." He then kicked me out of his house at 2 am. I went to the hospital after because I was terrified of HIV, and had a rape kit done on me. I refused to press charges because of how scared I was of my name being in the court system about this. I refused counselling and did not tell anyone about this.
My ex girlfriend also threatened to out me to my parents (she knew I was bi and had proof of me being fruity) when we broke up. She had their number and I was vacationing back home where I genuinely started fearing for my life. I developed anxiety after this.
I abstained from sex for a year (where we're at today) and have developed intense self hatred, insecurity, envy, anger, and now depression.
I feel captive to my own brain. I never consented to being gay. I'd give anything to be normal. A straight man would not have been held down and raped like that. A straight man would've been normal, had male friends, not stressed if his sexual desires would cause him to be ostracized.
At this point, I hate my existence and life. Even though I am now in Canada, probably the best country on earth to be gay, I am tooo fucked up to ever be happy. If I chose to come out, I'd lose all the people who love me. I never learned how to make friends as a kid. And why would I do this? Being gay has only brought me bullying, misery, and being raped. Being into dick has made me so miserable I have started self harming. I hate it so much.
Or I could continue remaining closeted and grow up miserable and regret this when I'm older.
I can't take this anymore and thus I'm planning my CTB.
TW for homophobia and sexual assault
I was born and raised in a muslim country. I was also relatively feminine since a young age and knew I was into men since 12.
As you can imagine, despite having a wealthy family that sent me to boarding school, endless vacations, etc, I still had a difficult childhood.
I was lonely throughout middle and highschool, including bullying and was once beaten by my brother for "joking" that I was gay . My family, friends, extended family etc were all homophobic as well. I had to become masculine to socially survive and participate in their jokes as well.
I grew up memorizing the Quran, praying, etc so imagine how difficult coming into terms with my identity was. I truly do believe I am going to hell and I'm scared.
I love my family - they raised me well, were always nice to me, etc. But if I were to ever come out, it would cause a huge fight and likely cut me off.
Anyway, this compelled me to study hard and immigrate. My parents paid my tuition and I got the chance to move to Canada at 17 alone. At the start, I had a lot of hope.
I took the chance to explore my sexuality since I never had even my first kiss (illegal). My first experience at 17 was a much much older man (+40) who removed his condom without my consent. Awful, but it didn't destroy me. What hurt was that 2 years later, I was catfished + held down by another man. I tried to push back/get up a little but when he forced me down, my mind went blank and I "took it." He then kicked me out of his house at 2 am. I went to the hospital after because I was terrified of HIV, and had a rape kit done on me. I refused to press charges because of how scared I was of my name being in the court system about this. I refused counselling and did not tell anyone about this.
My ex girlfriend also threatened to out me to my parents (she knew I was bi and had proof of me being fruity) when we broke up. She had their number and I was vacationing back home where I genuinely started fearing for my life. I developed anxiety after this.
I abstained from sex for a year (where we're at today) and have developed intense self hatred, insecurity, envy, anger, and now depression.
I feel captive to my own brain. I never consented to being gay. I'd give anything to be normal. A straight man would not have been held down and raped like that. A straight man would've been normal, had male friends, not stressed if his sexual desires would cause him to be ostracized.
At this point, I hate my existence and life. Even though I am now in Canada, probably the best country on earth to be gay, I am tooo fucked up to ever be happy. If I chose to come out, I'd lose all the people who love me. I never learned how to make friends as a kid. And why would I do this? Being gay has only brought me bullying, misery, and being raped. Being into dick has made me so miserable I have started self harming. I hate it so much.
Or I could continue remaining closeted and grow up miserable and regret this when I'm older.
I can't take this anymore and thus I'm planning my CTB.
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