Venting why do I want to date a toxic guy?

[bone bags]

I'm currently dating this guy for 1 year now, but he's not suicidal or dealing with any serious mental health issues. he's really sweet and basically a ball of sunshine. he's one of those guys that are really social, go to parties 24/7 and everyone likes him because he's rlly likeable and kind. he's always positive around me and I try to give the same energy back, but I've never got to discuss with him how poor my mental health actually is. I don't plan on doing it. mentally stable people will never understand and this has made me kind of lose the feelings I used to have for him. for some reason I don't like it when he's nice to me, i have this feeling inside of me that makes me believe I don't deserve this treatment from anyone. that I'm better of dating a guy that humiliates me, abuses me both violently and sexually and feeds into my suicidal thoughts. I am so selfish because of this. does anyone else deal with similar thoughts?

 

[SexyIncél]

[TW: entire post]

Absolutely normal! We've discussed this a bit before

My current theory, based on what I've seen:

• the submissive wants to stop thinking so much. Her dominator simplifies complexity: not too much, not too little
• the sub works out power dynamics sexually — cracking open a door to the unconscious
• the female sub gets off on her guy indulging his masculinity

Of course, I don't yet know if this applies to you

Now one puzzle is getting this without losing your ball of sunshine. Can you safely open a door, so he lets his internal rapist out for a walk? Baby steps. His hand on your throat; or calls you a b*tch as he cums. But it's a game. He'll have a little problem compartmentalizing it at first; but love makes us do funny things

Could this work? Can it be contained to the erotic?

 

[bone bags]

Absolutely normal! We've discussed this a bit before

My current theory, based on what I've seen:

• the submissive wants to stop thinking so much. Her dominator simplifies complexity: not too much, not too little
• the sub works out power dynamics sexually — cracking open a door to the unconscious
• the female sub gets off on her guy indulging his masculinity

Of course, I don't yet know if this applies to you

Now one puzzle is getting this without losing your ball of sunshine. Can you safely open a door, so he lets his internal rapist out for a walk? Baby steps. His hand on your throat; or calls you a b*tch as he cums. But it's a game. He'll have a little problem compartmentalizing it at first; but love makes us do funny things

Could this work? Can it be contained to the erotic?

I hate that the things u listed might be the reason to why I'm feeling this way, but thank u. Very helpful response!!:)

 

[OceanBlue]

I think it's good you didn't learn this the hard way, as is in most cases, when you're actually stuck with someone abusive. Since no one is currently harming you, you don't need to take any drastic actions, your thoughts about yourself and what you deserve can be worked on, but it's not easy.

Unless it's some kind of sexual thing where you want to be told you're disgusting trash, but it seems asking someone to "Can you safely open a door, so he lets his internal rapist out for a walk?" can be damaging for them, I nearly got triggered just by reading that. Maybe you're just not a good match. There are many respectful doms, and even more actual abusers, but really don't recommend the latter.

 

[SexyIncél]

I nearly got triggered just by reading that.

Thanks for the heads-up, added trigger warning

There are many respectful doms

Source? Sex worker/researcher Aella reports dom scarcity: only 2 male doms for every 3 female subs. And many are disrespectful/abusive. Rigged game

Quality doms are probably gonna be taken; pop up only briefly on the dating market. Maybe easier to find in social circles

I think saying there's "many respectful doms" vastly underestimates what it takes to be an effective one. Do they go to Sadist School, unleashing all their learning-mistakes on sexdolls & trained masochists? Do they read theory books on how to deal with arms-races against brats threatening to sexually humiliate them?

No. More likely, each crushed girls in the course of practicing his art

Anyone can feel free to message me, and we can figure out how to proceed. I'm guessing the OP might have a prio list like this:

1. start with SunshineBall, decent & attractive. Probe his range of behavior
2. find abusive boss/workplace
3. see if feasible to reduce sub urges
4. dump him & roll the dice. Let him drown his sorrows in party girls. Who won't ctb on him

subspace
it's not so bad a brutish place named subspace: where cum-drunk braindeaths end in warm embrace

 

[enviro400mmc]

I mean I don't know you well enough to dissect your exact thoughts but the responses to this post are sooooooo weird. I mean I suppose it could be some kind of kink but to me this just looks like guilt.

You clearly feel like you don't deserve to be dating a guy who you value a lot, which is an incredibly normal way to feel. I feel the same way about my family - I have a wonderful family and I often feel guilty and undeserving of how nice they always are to me and how I provide nothing but inconvenience and a constant suicide risk for them in return. And I sometimes find it really hard to appreciate how they treat me and it hasn't stopped me from wanting to CTB. But if you offered to replace my family with some abusive, stingy bunch of twats I would say no instantly. Obviously I don't actually want that.

To me that seems to be analogous to what is happening to you. I mean, do you actually want to have some kind of abusive boyfriend? Does the thought of being treated like absolute shit actually excite you? It doesn't seem like that at all to me. You just feel bad because you feel like you don't deserve the guy you are dating. That is pretty normal and all I can say is that if he is still always really nice to you then he clearly appreciates you.

The most important piece of advice I would give though is please ignore anyone on here who tries to encourage you to get into some kind of abusive relationship; that is an absolutely terrible idea. So many people have had their lives completely ruined by abusive relationships, it's practically the sole reason for a huge number of people being on SaSu in the first place.

 

[bone bags]

I mean I don't know you well enough to dissect your exact thoughts but the responses to this post are sooooooo weird. I mean I suppose it could be some kind of kink but to me this just looks like guilt.

You clearly feel like you don't deserve to be dating a guy who you value a lot, which is an incredibly normal way to feel. I feel the same way about my family - I have a wonderful family and I often feel guilty and undeserving of how nice they always are to me and how I provide nothing but inconvenience and a constant suicide risk for them in return. And I sometimes find it really hard to appreciate how they treat me and it hasn't stopped me from wanting to CTB. But if you offered to replace my family with some abusive, stingy bunch of twats I would say no instantly. Obviously I don't actually want that.

To me that seems to be analogous to what is happening to you. I mean, do you actually want to have some kind of abusive boyfriend? Does the thought of being treated like absolute shit actually excite you? It doesn't seem like that at all to me. You just feel bad because you feel like you don't deserve the guy you are dating. That is pretty normal and all I can say is that if he is still always really nice to you then he clearly appreciates you.

The most important piece of advice I would give though is please ignore anyone on here who tries to encourage you to get into some kind of abusive relationship; that is an absolutely terrible idea. So many people have had their lives completely ruined by abusive relationships, it's practically the sole reason for a huge number of people being on SaSu in the first place.

Your reply explained it perfectly. I noticed some people who also replied were mostly talking about the sexual part, but it's not only that. it is mostly that I don't believe I deserve good treatment from a person who doesn't have any mental issues + they are very likeable. they are a higher and better person than me because of that. I wouldn't get into an abusive relationship on purpose though, I know people who have been in them and it sounds like absolute hell.

I also like how u compared this to family issues because it's honestly the same. feeling useless and hopeless because you're unable to show love to your loved ones because of your mental health, it's really exhausting and I'm sorry ur going through that.

I think this feeling might also come from daddy issues. having a distant father figure my whole life has made me used to being around violent and abusive men, so it's weird to have a man show care for me.

 

[Ambivalent1]

Women instinctively want the "bad boy." Why? Who knows?

 

[bone bags]

I think it's good you didn't learn this the hard way, as is in most cases, when you're actually stuck with someone abusive. Since no one is currently harming you, you don't need to take any drastic actions, your thoughts about yourself and what you deserve can be worked on, but it's not easy.

Unless it's some kind of sexual thing where you want to be told you're disgusting trash, but it seems asking someone to "Can you safely open a door, so he lets his internal rapist out for a walk?" can be damaging for them, I nearly got triggered just by reading that. Maybe you're just not a good match. There are many respectful doms, and even more actual abusers, but really don't recommend the latter.

Women instinctively want the "bad boy." Why? Who knows?

often to fuel sexual fantasies or could be response to trauma I guess

 

[SexyIncél]

Keeping this brief; don't want to post repeatedly. Unfortunately, people are misrepresenting my words; quick clarification after analyzing this thread with a friend

This is a bit like Freud mentioning the oedipal complex, and everyone claiming he's advocating everyone banging their moms. No, I'm clearly cautioning AGAINST breaking up with Mr Sunshine — who's unfailingly courteous and beloved — for some slaphappy rando. Dumping Sunshine is the LAST priority — I literally enumerated it LAST

And then I spurted a bunch of sentences about how finding an abusive guy is a "rigged game". tl;dr: exhaust possibilities BEFORE breakup/cheating

She said the words that should chill anyone in a relationship: "this has made me kind of lose the feelings I used to have for him". Dissatisfaction. The problem is at an advanced stage. All this self-esteem kumbayah — which naturally I agree with — should be supplemented with feeding the beast a little. Otherwise, neuroticism may develop

When I broke down the theory, I mentioned NON-VIOLENT aspects: simplification, working out power dynamics, enjoying your partner's gender role. And I focused on safely escalating, to find the minimal effective doses

And guess what: I'm actually the normie here! In the Lex Fridman podcast I cited, Aella cited 60% of women reported being subs; 40% of males dom. Using the world's biggest dataset. FURTHERMORE, the book I cited explained why almost everyone here is a submissive/masochist of some sort, even if unconsenting. Because dominance hierarchies permeate current societies: boss vs wageslave, teacher vs involuntary student, domineering parents vs children, etc

Most people here might as well be wearing ball-gags, bending over everyday for people telling them what to do

They do not begin to perceive how absurd this timeline is

Hopefully this is my last post, I need to do higher-prio things. Normally I'm fine with being unusual; but we're literally on a suicide forum started by incels and somehow it's galling to be called "weird" by its denizens

Maybe I'll ask the mods to delete my posts in an hour; I think... I'm recovered and wasting too much time on this forum. I don't want to reach 600 posts

 

[Not.Flugel]

I mean I don't know you well enough to dissect your exact thoughts but the responses to this post are sooooooo weird. I mean I suppose it could be some kind of kink but to me this just looks like guilt.

You clearly feel like you don't deserve to be dating a guy who you value a lot, which is an incredibly normal way to feel. I feel the same way about my family - I have a wonderful family and I often feel guilty and undeserving of how nice they always are to me and how I provide nothing but inconvenience and a constant suicide risk for them in return. And I sometimes find it really hard to appreciate how they treat me and it hasn't stopped me from wanting to CTB. But if you offered to replace my family with some abusive, stingy bunch of twats I would say no instantly. Obviously I don't actually want that.

To me that seems to be analogous to what is happening to you. I mean, do you actually want to have some kind of abusive boyfriend? Does the thought of being treated like absolute shit actually excite you? It doesn't seem like that at all to me. You just feel bad because you feel like you don't deserve the guy you are dating. That is pretty normal and all I can say is that if he is still always really nice to you then he clearly appreciates you.

The most important piece of advice I would give though is please ignore anyone on here who tries to encourage you to get into some kind of abusive relationship; that is an absolutely terrible idea. So many people have had their lives completely ruined by abusive relationships, it's practically the sole reason for a huge number of people being on SaSu in the first place.

A normal response for once. But yeah, I can relate to this on so many levels. Feel the same with my friends and family. And yes feeling you deserve to be abused and feeling aroused to be abused is a different type of thing.