Rant partly inspired by @endofeverything:
After reading @endofeverything's post about not knowing their reason for being suicidal, I started thinking about my reasons and realized I'm in a very similar boat.
It's especially become apparent to me recently since starting a draft of my first suicide note that I don't have many tangible reasons to articulate about why I want to kill myself. Mainly it's just that I feel like I get to a depressed place quite often where I contemplate suicide, and even if I get better, it's always temporary, as my suicidal thoughts always come back. Therapists tell me to remember that I don't need to give any weight to my suicidal thoughts, as they aren't necessarily indicative of what I actually believe. But I always feel like these suicidal thoughts are a voice of some real part of me. I guess, as cheesy as it sounds, I'm ready for the dark thoughts to take over me and to let them win.
But like, I seriously wish I could identify some tangible reasons why I'm suicidal, even if they're mainly philosophical reasons. Because if I do decide to ctb, I want to leave behind a note adequately explaining my decision to my loved ones and leaving them with a sense of closure. Killing myself with no apparent reason would certainly leave them more upset than if it seemed like I had a well thought-out explanation.
After reading @endofeverything's post about not knowing their reason for being suicidal, I started thinking about my reasons and realized I'm in a very similar boat.
It's especially become apparent to me recently since starting a draft of my first suicide note that I don't have many tangible reasons to articulate about why I want to kill myself. Mainly it's just that I feel like I get to a depressed place quite often where I contemplate suicide, and even if I get better, it's always temporary, as my suicidal thoughts always come back. Therapists tell me to remember that I don't need to give any weight to my suicidal thoughts, as they aren't necessarily indicative of what I actually believe. But I always feel like these suicidal thoughts are a voice of some real part of me. I guess, as cheesy as it sounds, I'm ready for the dark thoughts to take over me and to let them win.
But like, I seriously wish I could identify some tangible reasons why I'm suicidal, even if they're mainly philosophical reasons. Because if I do decide to ctb, I want to leave behind a note adequately explaining my decision to my loved ones and leaving them with a sense of closure. Killing myself with no apparent reason would certainly leave them more upset than if it seemed like I had a well thought-out explanation.
