Why are you still alive?

[ex0cet]

so scared of my attempt failing and becoming physically/mentally limited to where someone would have to monitor me constantly

also every method sounds damn painful ughhi've lost a lot of my pain tolerance over the years for some reason

 

[enjoytheride]

I share your concerns regarding CTB and they surely play a role in discouraging me.

I have been through worse in life, but it feels like I am at a point where my soul is too worn out to handle everything. Still, I would like to see what's around the corner. Perhaps the longer I stick around the greater the chances of meeting the right people, finding the right work environment, being able to get proper rest and leisure. Who knows... I also think about relatives that would suffer if I CTB.

An interesting thought is that even if I don't have the life I would like, the reaction doesn't have to be CTB. If you stop caring about what others think and how they live their lives, you can think of less desirable but dignified alternatives for life. Sometimes, having that cup of coffee while sitting on a bench in the park and finding peace in watching trees and pigeons, feeling the breeze - that's not a bad reason to keep living.

Yesterday an elderly person sat down next to me. She was so kind it made my day. We were like kindred spirits, sitting on that bench, speechless, but sympathetic. She treated me with all the respect when asking if she could sit next to me and when saying goodbye, and I retributed. Yup, there are gems among stones.

P.S.: I just remembered something from the past. At times I've wanted to CTB wholeheartedly. I didn't make any attempt as it seemed that the thought itself provided some relief. A few months later I would think that not trying to CTB was a good decision. So, can I really trust my mind on this? If not, I better keep going and trying to figure things out, even if painful.

 

[FuneralCry]

I only still continue to exist as I'm so cruelly denied the option to cease existing peacefully with the suffering and torture of this dreadful, futile existence seen as to force and prolong no matter what, it's all so terrible to me and I wish I never suffered more than anything.

I'd just never wish for the torturous burden to exist rather all I want is to not exist, only non-existence is positive for me and is all that can bring me any peace and I always suffer so much from how I cannot just cease existing peacefully in an guaranteed way as all I want is to never suffer ever again, I'd just always prefer to not exist than be burdened with this existence destined to decay and die anyway with no limit as to how much agony one can feel, to me existence truly is an abomination that just causes endless amounts of cruelty, harm and suffering until non-existence takes away all anyway.

 

[JoaoBye]

I oscilate between killing myself and having hope for the future . Which means im not ready . But i have my SN ready . Theres comfort in having a method ready.

 

[Shiksa]

Still mustering the courage to go through with it

 

[throwaway1989]

first thoughts: my aging mom who's otherwise pretty lonely, my long distance best friend for whom i was maid of honor recently, my sweet bf who i think loves me as much as i him, and my goofy boy cat who i spent covid lockdown with.

second thoughts: my living life is in such disarray, i don't want anyone to have to sort through it without me when i'm gone.

 

[abyss@fmPf1KVp6]

Fear of failing CTB and the consequences that comes from it, the possibility of surviving and ending up in a worse state or just the fact that I would be hospitalized against my will and my family would cause a big scene when I would rather not garner attention

If there was a guarantee of my attempt succeeding or the possibility of just disappearing from the world without anyone noticing I would be dead by now lol

 

[incapablebutalive]

I have a cat and no one who would take her. I've tried and noticed how attached she is to me and I have this feeling of responsibility cemented into my brain. If she could die with me, it would be perfect but I cannot bring myself to harm her. So I'm stuck in hell.

 

[jazzcat621]

im still alive because there is maybe still a bit of hope that things will turn out ok, and there's still things on my "todo before CTB" list.

 

[carebare@2000]

Probably because I keep thinking things will get better. But will it ever?

 

[SeafoamSkeleton]

Because I failed a handfull of times and now feel obligated to shut up and live to not cause others pain.

 

[noname223]

My friends called the cops when I was on the edge of taking SN. I am not mad at them they would have been in dire legal trouble if they did not act that way. But I think it would have been likely I died at the 15th October last year. Who knows what happens at its anniversary. Tbh I don't care about anniversaries. I am too reational for that.

 

[Dark Moon]

I'm still alive because suicide isn't easy to pull off that there's only hanging and jumping available as methods. I also have some kind of fear/doubt that I can successfully go through with it without failing, maybe I'm lacking the courage in some way. Plus I'm still into my games.

 

[wham311]

I don't think they're In trouble unless they encourage right?

My friends called the cops when I was on the edge of taking SN. I am not mad at them they would have been in dire legal trouble if they did not act that way. But I think it would have been likely I died at the 15th October last year. Who knows what happens at its anniversary. Tbh I don't care about anniversaries. I am too reational for that.

 

[BRAINWORMS]

My family. My friends. My partner. Wanting to hear new music and go to concerts. Wanting to dedicate the life I do have, whether I had the choice to be here or not, to helping others. An incessant curiosity about what the future holds.

 

[kitkat9234]

Fear of failure and being worse off. Not having access to a decent reliable method. Fear of what happens after you die. My daughter. Even though she's better off without me and I'm doing more damnage than good by being here. I wish someone would just put me out of my misery.

 

[EchoWanderer77]

because i can always do it tomorrow

 

[LastDayOnEarth]

Because I'm still thinking of the method I'll use and I dont have a set date for when I wanna ctb

But I've made peace with death and I'm actually happy I will die sooner than later

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

Wife and kids. The kids are adults but I still help them out. It would mess them up at least a little. Sometimes I don't feel so worried about it though. I'm dead already inside. Just running down the clock.

 

[MyDeath88]

Eternal procrastination. I've been waiting for the perfect moment but I need to realize there is none, this is as good as it gets. That and I'm lazy.

 

[noname223]

I don't think they're In trouble unless they encourage right?

Not really it would be "unterlassene Hilfeleistung" failure to assist a person in danger. Moreoer, my family would have made them a living hell.

 

[goatmonster :3]

i spent a while trying to find the method i'm gonna use. i used to fantasize about drowning a lot, but i realized eventually i need an actual plan for something that won't be horrible. i'm gonna use an exit bag, so i'm still alive because i need to save up for the supplies to do it. it's not my first choice, but i couldn't find any kind of fast acting poison online i could afford or trust. also gonna see car seat headrest live this year, and i wanna live long enough for that.

 

[finallydone]

fear+some unfinished business

 

[Pluto]

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Due to various reasons that stopped me I couldn't kms when I hit rock bottom and when I was very suicidal. Now I'm not suicidal enough.

 

[RubyGloom]

the same reason for everything else in my life - guilt!

 

[Alexandra0]

Because I'm a coward.
But I'm going to fix that pretty soon. I'm determined and serious. It's time to end all this

 

[Csmith8827]

Because I can't let these demons/this entity win. Whatever created me and forged this shitshow sitcom, this fake ass stage that I call life, isn't going to win. I'm gonna be happy and see good days. I'm gonna accomplish some dreams. I'm gonna live a good life and laugh and smile. Unless I can find a way to exit that brings a smile to my face or i'm pushed to that point via anger/exhaustion/ or external circumstances. I can't let them/this entity think it's won. And as long as i'm still living and breathing and laughing and smiling it hasn't won. I have. And I'll make it pay for everything. And make it see how worthless it's ideas and creations truly were.

 

[sycophant]

mostly due to family for various reasons
i also currently can't really do most methods and the ones i could do scare me

 

[WildAtHeart]

I don't want to hurt my gf and my family I guess, if those weren't stopping me I would be gone by now.