Discussion Why are you still alive?

[sammiechzxv]

Cats

 

[owl_culture]

I don't have a plan yet and also I want to create music before I ctb.

 

[WaistedPotential]

this is a question i ask myself genuinely near daily, and i don't have an answer, so i wonder if any of you have answers: why are you still alive? clearly if you're on this site you want to ctb - so what's keeping you from doing so?

My cat and my mother.

 

[arandomname]

Still hopeful the person I love will come back and lack of effort put into preparing my method

 

[voidpuppy]

I really am not sure anymore, things just continue spiraling downward despite my efforts. I felt like I was able to wait long enough to secure my preferred method but jumping has been on my mind more and more. I guess I was waiting so that others wouldn't feel blame for my death, now I'm just waiting for one of my episodes to last long enough to push me over the edge.

 

[cantThinkOfName]

Family. They guilt me into staying alive. On one hand I understand that they care for me and u don't hate them for it. But at the same time I never chose to be born, I never chose to be a man, I never chose to live I'm this word, but I have to suffer through it, I have to actually live and yet I'm forced to live because of their choices.

 

[lemonlotl]

it was -20 C the day I was going to get my supplies. i don't like being cold more than I don't like being alive, I suppose.

 

[G000pie]

I just got the gun today, but my parents spent so much time showing me how to use it and I explained why I wouldn't use it to kill myself... I hate them but I also love them. I feel guilty if I live, I'd feel guilty if I died. Alive I'm a burden, in death I'd be a burden. I hate this.

 

[iamnotalive]

My best friend. He would die if I did, and we both keep each other alive even though we both want to die.

 

[sideshowcat]

death is terrifying , and i dont want to fail my attempt , i dont care if my family gets hurt as i never connected with them in the first place

 

[monolog]

I'm pussy

 

[Hypocrite_]

this is a question i ask myself genuinely near daily, and i don't have an answer, so i wonder if any of you have answers: why are you still alive? clearly if you're on this site you want to ctb - so what's keeping you from doing so?

Fear of pain, fear of oblivion (consciousness is all we ever know after all), fear of causing untold suffering to loved ones.

Or maybe we're just not desperate enough yet.

 

[steel-and-glass]

I'm scared I'll fuck it up like everything else. Last time I tried I wasn't able to go through with it. And We promised someone (and each other) that We wouldn't.

Glass

 

[legoshi]

I have no ideal. I just keep grasping at straws thinking oh maybe wait till after x date or after you do such and such. Maybe you will feel better then. But in reality I know those things may give me a little boost but I'm just going to fall back into myself loathing self.

 

[identity0]

I don't know. I don't understand anything, including my own actions.

 

[quietism]

I lie to myself that long term friendship and intimacy is possible where I live.

Yes, it's a bold faced lie and it hurts to lie to myself like that. I guess it's the uncertainty that hurts the most. I really hate gambling, and the only irl advice I ever seem to get is encouraging me to continue wasting myself gambling at a metaphorical social slot machine. Maybe I wouldn't feel such apprehension if I could persuade people that gambling is unhealthy.

 

[dddaaangxl]

i used to have hope that a change would happen that would make me want to live (like moving out of my toxic parents home, finding a relationship, etc) , but now that i feel like ive tried everything i thought would work i'm content whether i live or not
nowadays im only alive to clean up loose ends before i ctb, but part of me hopes i can reignite that hope within myself, though i doubt it with the way my life is going.

 

[bluered1]

I would like to sooner rather than later.

Weird that 750,000 people around the world are able to do it.

 

[finishLana]

It is scary and most of the methods are coming with risks.

 

[JoaoBye]

Fear of death

 

[onewith]

this is a question i ask myself genuinely near daily, and i don't have an answer, so i wonder if any of you have answers: why are you still alive? clearly if you're on this site you want to ctb - so what's keeping you from doing so?

I think its deep seated hope. A quote thats sat with me is "pessimistic nihilism is a seductive escape, but is ultimately a self imposed prison"

Every day recently ive just wanted to end it all and fall into the forever sleep but a part of me knows that what i really want is just to feel peace and I know ive felt it in a beautiful way before. I know that feeling is attainable and i know its been very warm when I have gotten it.

Im still struggling to uncover the nature behind my sui thoughts. I think i really need to take some good long time to write it out. Idk maybe i post more to work that knowledge out of my brain?

Also a reliable ,trustworthy, and dignifying method. I wish they had those pods here that are effectively just exit rooms with a lil bed in them. Ive not put time and research into finding SN but i dont think i'd be okay with my heart racing. Maybe some H off of the DW but i dont have my own place and ive heard trouble happens with some PO boxes. If i back down, id be very upset with buying a gun and not using it because of my tight finances. Deep water would freak me out and jumping scares me bc of potential pain. Those pods seem like an absolute dream...

 

[martinso67]

I had a weird/ridiculous thought about myself: That it would be ironic by the universe, if I would die by an accident on my way to the spot where I would CTB.

 

[onewith]

Ive done a bit more thought about it and one of my top method choices is also really hard for me to do. Walking out into a blizzard. I had the opportunity once and when staring into the blizzard, it was hypnotic and remarkably peaceful. Ive heard once it gets to a certain severity of hypothermia theres a blissful euphoria and a sleepiness. Maybe smoke some good weed and slip away into the freeze.

Its too bad i dont have a car and its outside winter now, wont be winter for many many months. Sigh.

but yeah there is an unshakeable hope within me for a better day. Would be simpler if not. But yet.

 

[yukiovos]

No reason, survival instinct and distraction.
I think one full day without being on my phone or computer will be beneficial for me as i can think about suicide all day long and about everything that went wrong.
By night i will ctb

 

[Ravel]

I'm afraid of the possibility of hell

 

[candy578]

In the short term: my sn arrived last week, when I was expecting it to arrive this week - death is permanent, I don't see the need to rush any plans just because I have the means.

Longer term: my family promised that if I killed myself, they would ensure I was buried next to my abuser as a way of "revenge" for making the decision to ctb (the plot he's buried in is big enough for 3 people). I strongly believe that death is final, and we simply cease to exist with nothing after. However, I feel very unsettled at the thought that I would be left for eternity next to the person who caused half of my problems, to the point where I would somewhat rather live than know I wouldn't be able to rest peacefully when I died.

 

[nymphojuno]

the fleeting idea that maybe, just maybe, things will get better. i know it's unlikely because of the nature of my mental illness and the state of the world, but it's a hope i can't seem to give up. that and my boyfriend. i love him very much and i know that if i killed myself it would destroy him mentally. he's a prolific writer and i would hate to make him so depressed that he gives up his passion. he is too dear to me.

 

[SchizoGymnast]

I want to do good deeds and save lives (with their consent of course).
I also want to stay alive to help other people cross over. I used to work in hospice care, have watched several people die and I honestly think I have a gift for it.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

It's complicated. The biggest reason is because I am trying to wait until I can do it in a place where I will not be found by someone who knows me. But, I also am trying to bear it as much as I can. It's a delusional hope, but I want someone to save me somehow. So… hopefully someone does so soon.

 

[Jorvak]

this is a question i ask myself genuinely near daily, and i don't have an answer, so i wonder if any of you have answers: why are you still alive? clearly if you're on this site you want to ctb - so what's keeping you from doing so?

Being on this site doesn't necessarily mean someone want to CTB. I view it is an absolute last resort. Being in this site is actually a preventative measure. By finding people who can relate or genuinely understand where i'm coming from, I don't have to feel so alone in my thoughts. This is a community of people who for most, have feelings of rejection, despair, lonliness, persecution over their differences, and much more. many are likely neurodivergent or very different from societal demands in some significant way. That means there is a good chance of finding people who can relate to your specific experiences. finding people you relate to and who understand you, can give an extra bit of motivation.