Discussion Why are you still alive?

[waistcoat]

this is a question i ask myself genuinely near daily, and i don't have an answer, so i wonder if any of you have answers: why are you still alive? clearly if you're on this site you want to ctb - so what's keeping you from doing so?

 

[heartinparadise]

I have always failed to ctb.
from vsed to eating handfuls of yew, to plastic bags, and now to partial
I haven't come up with anything truly effective yet. I wish I could

 

[BlueButterfly111]

Because my Sn hasn't arrived yet.

 

[Nervous young man]

My Metoclopramide isn't here yet.

 

[Arin]

I don't currently have access to any reliable methods, and I have a very high likelihood of being found.

 

[onthefence]

I want a highly effective less painful method but can't bring myself to just order SN. I have people who depend on me and feel like I shouldn't leave them. I have no impulse control so know I would probably "just try a taste" and die, only to be found by my people. I really do want it to be a well thought out plan with minimal impact on everyone else.
I also have a 4 year old part of me that is curious what may happen in life if I stay. I would really like to kill them to make it easier to go.

 

[Anonymousa]

Cus I am literally unable to access most methods due to my family trapping me in the house meaning I can't go outside on my own or buy something like SN. I have tried partial hanging but my chosen anchor point has broke.

Part of me stupidly wants to live to make things for others to enjoy but to me that won't matter to me if I am dead but I want to provide people something my own unique creativity can even if I am dead. I don't know if this reason would be considered selfless or egotistic.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

My mother. It would kill her. During these past few months I've been close to being over that final thought in my mind, but the pain hasn't been constant enough to do it even though the spikes are fucking hard. Some days I wish I had known earlier about effective methods because I probably would've done it right after my ex broke up with me: didn't even know about amitriptyline, much less about SN.

 

[sadwriter]

In large part, because my family and close friends (as few as they are) don't deserve the trauma of losing a loved one. It would feel incredibly selfish for me to finally be free of my pain only to transfer it onto the people who care about me.

The second reason is because, when I'm not super depressed, I actually really like making art, and sometimes that's enough to make me want to stick around.

I also don't have SN yet, so that's a big logistical reason. But the above two are what stopped me from looking harder for a source when I couldn't find one in the past

 

[billie]

i'm waiting for my sasu anniversary and then i'll be gone

 

[CatLvr]

My kids.

 

[chocolocothechocobo]

I am waiting for the german elections. I already know that I wont like the overall outcome but it is still important to me to vote for a future where my family can live in peace.

 

[theolivanderroach]

still need some stuff for my method :(

 

[FadingSnowFake]

Timing has not allowed for the SN order to be possible yet.

 

[ma0]

I'm either too scared to CTB or I'm a lazy bastard and can't be arsed to do it rn.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

I am waiting for the german elections. I already know that I wont like the overall outcome but it is still important to me to vote for a future where my family can live in peace.

Please, please, bitte, por favor, DO THE RIGHT THING! My cousin studied in Germany and loved it, my family fell in love with the country, and I dreamed of living in Germany so I went to study my master's there, The country has changed so much and not for the better. My friends are having a very hard time, they may be foreigners, but they're well-educated and hardworking people doing their best, learning the language, jumping through whatever hoops the Ausländeramt puts them through. It's so fucking unfair, Germany used to be a wonderful place a decade or so ago and now it's...it's just grey. Here's hoping your family gets that future where they can live in peace, my friends living there will surely love to be part of that society too!

 

[bananaolympus]

My parents i guess also i don't have the courage to do it in the moment i have all the sn important ingredients and a big time window to not get caught in the dying process

 

[hydrogen]

SI kicked in during my last attempt. Ended up changing my life afterwards, for the better, but I still wanted to die. After considering for a while I decided I would wait until my cat died. He's been mistreated his whole life and his previous owner died, I didn't want to abandon him. He's dying now and I intend to follow him.

 

[Gstreater]

My family needs monetary help. Just this last month I had to get them around 1000 dollars.

 

[Mr.Tristesse]

My heart is still beating

 

[hereornot]

I honestly don't know, my life has already been destroyed, those responsible may never be held accountable and I will still be blamed for things I'm not even aware of. But in Brazil it's like that... bad people are protected and those who have never harmed another person are wrong.

 

[tfnb]

Because I'm the only one left responsible for the happiness of two little human beings who are incapable of understanding and I don't want to be the reason that they're fucked up for life.

 

[cme-dme]

Mom is a great person who has already had too much taken from her in life. Two younger siblings who are too young to understand death or suicide. Very little family still alive, would feel extremely selfish. I sometimes imagine what the reaction of my mom/siblings would be when they discover my suicide and it eats me up inside. Sometimes I wish they didn't care about me.

 

[mercybell]

My cats. And my parents would be in quite the predicament if I were to depart as I am the breadwinner currently.

 

[particularrodent]

the interesting little predicament where the sadder i feel the more terrified of dying i am

 

[Busridin'26]

I'm not entirely sure anymore tbh.

I think I'm here bc im curious to see how things can change? Or the change that I dunno if I myself believe in fully but have felt in other's? I feel for myself at times

Otherwise just SI... I don't have many personal reasons so im confused on why I'm still here tbh.

 

[NonEssential]

I still currently care about my family and how they'd feel if I died. Also, I don't have the right type of rope yet and I kinda fear failing and fucking up my life even more.

 

[windows7enjoyer]

my kitties :<

 

[derekWest]

In large part, because my family and close friends (as few as they are) don't deserve the trauma of losing a loved one. It would feel incredibly selfish for me to finally be free of my pain only to transfer it onto the people who care about me.

The second reason is because, when I'm not super depressed, I actually really like making art, and sometimes that's enough to make me want to stick around.

I also don't have SN yet, so that's a big logistical reason. But the above two are what stopped me from looking harder for a source when I couldn't find one in the past

For the same reason (1st) that you : who love me don't deserve such trauma.

And, I'm in good material condition (no money problem, no big physical health pb, near from nature, no crimes where i leave...)

the interesting little predicament where the sadder i feel the more terrified of dying i am

your survival instinct seem to be very reliable and strong ! what physician think about that ?

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

I am still afraid to miss something good.