tzon
Hesitant
- Dec 27, 2025
- 7
2
I still have my parents. A grandmother. Two little sisters. I rarely leave the building so I don't see them often. But when I do, they seem to care about me - But I wonder if it's just "because they have to" thing. My parents are the ones I mostly see, as they often visit. I often wonder if I am just a burden. They've been financially supportive for one thing.
Never any real talk about how I feel, as... I am so painfully inhibited - especially when it comes to suicidal thoughts I may have - or just depression in general. Even though I won't care once I'm dead - I do care now of the possibility that they genuinely care, and I don't want to leave them. I want to see my sisters evolving in their careers. My youngest one is very shy and reminds me more about me. Maybe she too is hiding her feelings. What do I know. They live far away, so it's not often we meet.
4
If the new year 2026 starts off as bad as 2025 has been, I think I'll eventually just tilt and fall like a domino piece, just thinking "fuck it - it's time".
I still do have some hope that my situation will get better. I have the basics needed for survival (yes, I too have been tought I need to survive), plus some entertainment on screens (I'm very rarely in the mood for music) ... entertainment that I can somewhat enjoy. Alone... of course... I'm real sick of being alone, but I don't really know, or - I am seriously hesitant in trying to create any real life connections.
But It could get better if I get over my fears to some degree and get involved in some kind of social circle, as in a job for example, that I have to go to - even if it is unpaid. Despite my social anxiety. I want to strangle that anxiety bitch. If that happens (getting in an environment around other pepople), I'm guessing that with time, the anxiety will curb and I won't need to pop as many benzos, as I do at this point before meeting someone other than my parents.
I have experience in the past with this. I've enjoyed team sports - playing board games with others - to name a couple. Fairly recent past - like two years ago. Maybe I could reconnect with one of my cousins who I hanged out a lot with, but that was a decade or two back.
Right now I do not have a plan. But the mood swings. A couple days ago, I was sketching in my head how I was going to do it.
And... sleep is nice. I can have some nice, vivid dreams, but waking up can be a nightmare.
I still have my parents. A grandmother. Two little sisters. I rarely leave the building so I don't see them often. But when I do, they seem to care about me - But I wonder if it's just "because they have to" thing. My parents are the ones I mostly see, as they often visit. I often wonder if I am just a burden. They've been financially supportive for one thing.
Never any real talk about how I feel, as... I am so painfully inhibited - especially when it comes to suicidal thoughts I may have - or just depression in general. Even though I won't care once I'm dead - I do care now of the possibility that they genuinely care, and I don't want to leave them. I want to see my sisters evolving in their careers. My youngest one is very shy and reminds me more about me. Maybe she too is hiding her feelings. What do I know. They live far away, so it's not often we meet.
4
If the new year 2026 starts off as bad as 2025 has been, I think I'll eventually just tilt and fall like a domino piece, just thinking "fuck it - it's time".
I still do have some hope that my situation will get better. I have the basics needed for survival (yes, I too have been tought I need to survive), plus some entertainment on screens (I'm very rarely in the mood for music) ... entertainment that I can somewhat enjoy. Alone... of course... I'm real sick of being alone, but I don't really know, or - I am seriously hesitant in trying to create any real life connections.
But It could get better if I get over my fears to some degree and get involved in some kind of social circle, as in a job for example, that I have to go to - even if it is unpaid. Despite my social anxiety. I want to strangle that anxiety bitch. If that happens (getting in an environment around other pepople), I'm guessing that with time, the anxiety will curb and I won't need to pop as many benzos, as I do at this point before meeting someone other than my parents.
I have experience in the past with this. I've enjoyed team sports - playing board games with others - to name a couple. Fairly recent past - like two years ago. Maybe I could reconnect with one of my cousins who I hanged out a lot with, but that was a decade or two back.
Right now I do not have a plan. But the mood swings. A couple days ago, I was sketching in my head how I was going to do it.
And... sleep is nice. I can have some nice, vivid dreams, but waking up can be a nightmare.
I failed. Now I'm scared to fail again and have long term damages, and can't access any reliable method
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