Why are you still alive?No way an incitement to suicide 🙏

[itsgone2]

1, 2, and 3.

 

[tzon]

2
I still have my parents. A grandmother. Two little sisters. I rarely leave the building so I don't see them often. But when I do, they seem to care about me - But I wonder if it's just "because they have to" thing. My parents are the ones I mostly see, as they often visit. I often wonder if I am just a burden. They've been financially supportive for one thing.
Never any real talk about how I feel, as... I am so painfully inhibited - especially when it comes to suicidal thoughts I may have - or just depression in general. Even though I won't care once I'm dead - I do care now of the possibility that they genuinely care, and I don't want to leave them. I want to see my sisters evolving in their careers. My youngest one is very shy and reminds me more about me. Maybe she too is hiding her feelings. What do I know. They live far away, so it's not often we meet.

4
If the new year 2026 starts off as bad as 2025 has been, I think I'll eventually just tilt and fall like a domino piece, just thinking "fuck it - it's time".
I still do have some hope that my situation will get better. I have the basics needed for survival (yes, I too have been tought I need to survive), plus some entertainment on screens (I'm very rarely in the mood for music) ... entertainment that I can somewhat enjoy. Alone... of course... I'm real sick of being alone, but I don't really know, or - I am seriously hesitant in trying to create any real life connections.
But It could get better if I get over my fears to some degree and get involved in some kind of social circle, as in a job for example, that I have to go to - even if it is unpaid. Despite my social anxiety. I want to strangle that anxiety bitch. If that happens (getting in an environment around other pepople), I'm guessing that with time, the anxiety will curb and I won't need to pop as many benzos, as I do at this point before meeting someone other than my parents.
I have experience in the past with this. I've enjoyed team sports - playing board games with others - to name a couple. Fairly recent past - like two years ago. Maybe I could reconnect with one of my cousins who I hanged out a lot with, but that was a decade or two back.

Right now I do not have a plan. But the mood swings. A couple days ago, I was sketching in my head how I was going to do it.

And... sleep is nice. I can have some nice, vivid dreams, but waking up can be a nightmare.

 

[PainfulSorrow]

I failed. Now I'm scared to fail again and have long term damages, and can't access any reliable method

 

[xBrialesana]

Idk but this place as greatly increased my quality and life and span of life over the past 5 years. Am definitely cbt but like idk. I've found more hope here than anywhere

 

[darksouls]

afraid of afterlife

 

[Defenestration]

Lazy to do again my lettres od ctb

 

[ceelobling]

8. I have to find the courage to do it. I already bought everything I need.

 

[Arvayn]

2 and 4.

 

[dieingasap]

every time I try I fail
Survival instinct right when I am about to collapse

 

[themindian]

I want to witness the end of this diabolical country and my hope is that when it does end and the people realize how oppressed they actually are, that they'll organize some kind of union that will be able to save people like us. Or I've see that that 3i/ATLAS comet might be an advanced civilizarion that may want to save us too, either or but I'm basically just holding out for help for a little bit longer, but honestly the pain is getting to be too much for me, so idk. I ordered new condition rare magnum rounds for my flare gun that aren't old shitty polish rounds that were made in the 80's, so they'll have a REALLY high chance of working.

But I'm getting signs from God/the universe/a higher power to stay so I'm going to stay and just watch things unfold I guess.

But that's literally it, I'm just holding out for help cuz I've done EVERYTHING I possibly can to help myself and nothing has worked.

 

[Defenestration]

je

chaque fois que j'essaie, j'échoue
Instinct de survie juste au moment où je suis sur le point de m'effondrer

Hate s.i

 

[Defenestration]

Do i must less selfish?

 

[SMmetalhead36]

2

 

[Defenestrator]

2 and 3 mostly, a little bit of 4.

 

[softlysavage79]

Why are you still alive?

1) No peaceful and painless enough method to go through with it
2) Guilt towards loved ones/family and no desire to abandon them
3) Survival instinct blocking the process even if the method is ready
4) My situation isn't so bad, I'm waiting to see, I want to enjoy certain things
5) Fear of the unknown and of death if I die 6) Fear of failing and ending up severely disabled
7) already been there ans it leaves me with a horrible memory

8) Other reasons

You can choose several

This is in no way an incitement to suicide!!! I'm just asking

2 & 5 although five is mainly more so adjusting to letting my consciousness go. I'm a bit attached to thinking and I'm wrapping my head around becoming nothing.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

Why are you still alive?

1) No peaceful and painless enough method to go through with it
2) Guilt towards loved ones/family and no desire to abandon them
3) Survival instinct blocking the process even if the method is ready
4) My situation isn't so bad, I'm waiting to see, I want to enjoy certain things
5) Fear of the unknown and of death if I die 6) Fear of failing and ending up severely disabled
7) already been there ans it leaves me with a horrible memory

8) Other reasons

You can choose several

This is in no way an incitement to suicide!!! I'm just asking

4
I'm going to make the most of this year and see how things go.

 

[lanadelreyisgod223]

8). i'm my cat's entire world and he could not live without his mommy. when i was in the psych ward for a week from my last failed attempt, he lost a pound and vomited so much because of how anxious he was without me. i wouldn't trust absolutely anyone to take good care of him (brush his teeth often, give him constant filtered + fresh water, regular vet visits, high quality food, etc). i truly just am living for him.

 

[uzl lover]

All of them except 4

 

[KenDuh]

5) Fear of the unknown and of death if I die

 

[UglyLife82]

5 and only 5. Only reason I have stopping me and I wish I could get over it. But I know it's unlikely. Only thing for me to do is sit here and suffer.

 

[ToANewWorld]

Before I go I want to try to "fix" the medical problems that are driving me to CBT in the first place. Is such a long shot though, and rather expensive. But I might as well give it a shot.

 

[vyvanceandvodka]

i'm a coward

 

[binkie]

I've been on the recovery train and it's actually working this time. I'm employed again and I found a hobby that I love.

 

[Steve Vermont]

Because I can always kill myself tomorrow.

 

[coldworld]

the guilt surrounding how my parents and people close might react is hard to come to terms with with

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

attempts failed, survival instinct. wanting to do a few more things before i go

 

[HawkTalon]

I've been living my life for some years in hope that I'd be able to escape a dream I once knew but passed long ago, or more accurately it was torn apart by my own hands. The memories from that dream have carried me a long way, but it's ever so far away now. Yet I'm still trapped within it and refuse to leave because it became me.

 

[struggles_inc]

Decided to change my ways after an attempt. Cut out people who weren't there when I needed them, and I found I could breathe easily when nobody was a dead weight to me.

I stopped expecting stuff, closed down from those who only cared when it benefited them. I can't explain how relieving it felt. I remembered all the times when I was deeply depressed and people just shrugged. People who called themselves my close friends and family. People who enjoyed my finances, time and energy. All in the trash.

I just figured it's not me who's supposed to die but those rotten draining connections. That's why I kept living.

 

[panhandle5363]

The methods I can use are either painful or gruesome. I'm too broke to afford what a decent method requires.