Deep autumn is here once Halloween passes. The darker shorter days. Picturing an upper floor hotel room with a beautiful view of dark autumn sunset. Lighting some candles. Guessing I couldn't have a glass of wine prior to SN. I couldn't get the right anti-emetics so will have to do it without that part of the protocol. May have to enjoy glass of wine the night before.
CTB catch the bus
Christmas has been corrupted by capitalism into a brainless celebration of consumerism. It is the most profitable time for companies, because it is being abused by capitalists for their money hungry, greedy purposes.
You hit the nail on the head there! I see how horrible men (& women also-thou perhaps to a slightly lesser degree) that have committed some of the worst acts one can think of- & they hang themselves in their cells-makes me sad to think I - who have never hurt a fly in my life- and only ever tried to bring a little joy & happiness to other peoples lives (sorry if that sounds cheesy) - might have to ctb the same way those horrible people did :(
How did your SN get found?
I totally agree with you - but for me its not even that - it was always the 'fake' happiness that we were all meant to put on during those times in 'family' life ha ha-pretending evrything was fine-when there was so many levels of weird shit going on under the surface & crap 'family' dynamics-that would take pages to talk about-but for those few days -everyone is meant to pretend that evrything is so joyfull & happy, xmas day would be the most fake, insincere, painful day of the year-its always made me feel at my most despairing - and broken-i'd cry for days before & after and it was exactly around this time last yr- that I had my severe breakdown-that first lead me to seriously wanting to end my life- so its been nearly a yr now-and im finding it so hard that a year has passed now- and I still feel the same...
ive seen some people here use SI to mean : suicidal ideation, but I know mostly it is used for survival instinct- & thats how i use it. I like KTB - kick the bucket!
SN being found is a long story! but its long gone now- i cant get any more right now-I know- with no disrespect to the community-it does feel like part of the tragedy that my life had become...cant believe I ended up here too! (as in at this point of despair/ failure/ brokeness) urgh...im like jezuz christ-where the bloody hell did it all go so v.wrong?!
