What’s it like to even WANT to live?

[depthss]

I have never wanted to live, ever since I was young. I have no memories of a time that I wasn't at least passively suicidal. I've started becoming more actively suicidal over the years, and it's been incredibly strong these past few months. But even before this, I've always wanted to die

I don't know what it's like to want to live. I feel like I was never meant to be born. And I barley feel like I'm alive now. I feel like I'm just an empty body with no soul. I don't see the purpose to anything, everything is just completely frivolous to me. It doesn't matter how great or accomplished you were, fate remains the same

I just want to know. What is it like to have the desire to live? What thoughts go through your head when you don't want to die, but you just can't see any other way out? What emotions do you feel

 

[Jealous Blackheart]

I have absolutely no idea.

Even at my best and my healthiest, I am always at the bare minimum accepting of death should it come. No matter how well I'm doing, I am always ready to die.
I don't know what it really means to want to live and I don't think I'll ever know. I think about the old, lost, and dead cultures where death had meaning. The very concept of a "good death" is foreign now. Now it seems like people believe that all death is bad except maybe if you're 90 years old and sometimes not even then.

I think a lot of people lack meaning in life because there is no good way to die anymore but that's another conversation.


Sidenote.

Whenever people mention everything being meaningless it always makes me laugh because thousands of years ago, king solomon wrote a book about that and nothing has changed.
"So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." - King Solomon

"In the morning when thou findest thyself unwilling to rise, consider with thyself presently, it is to go about a man's work that I am stirred up. Am I then yet unwilling to go about that, for which I myself was born and brought forth into this world? Or was I made for this, to lay me down, and make much of myself in a warm bed?" - Marcus Aurelius Antoninus, emperor of Rome, journaling about now wanting to get out of bed 2000 years ago.

 

[thenorthern]

Too stupid to even type all that I feel now, I only TRIED or WANTED to live for a short while after a bad time in my life. It was short lived and stressful. That is all I felt.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

I've mostly only been able to achieve the state you described with psychedelics. The desire to live feels like having an empty mind. No thoughts of everything bad happening, no anxiety or depression to focus on, no dread for the future or misery from the past, it essentially feels like bliss.

... but, you're also conscious and aware of what's happening around you, instead of just being numb. You are not really experiencing any notable emotions, but you definitely are not just numb to your thoughts or emotions either.

I wish I could live like that forever, but I've since quit psychedelics to avoid the risks of long-term use.

 

[divinemistress36]

I've mostly only been able to achieve the state you described with psychedelics. The desire to live feels like having an empty mind. No thoughts of everything bad happening, no anxiety or depression to focus on, no dread for the future or misery from the past, it essentially feels like bliss.

... but, you're also conscious and aware of what's happening around you, instead of just being numb. You are not really experiencing any notable emotions, but you definitely are not just numb to your thoughts or emotions either.

I wish I could live like that forever, but I've since quit psychedelics to avoid the risks of long-term use.

What psychadelics have you done?

 

[lamargue]

where each day feels like you are working towards something in the future. i've forgotten the feeling now

 

[HereTomorrow]

Wanting to live, genuinely, is not saying "I want to live". It's just enjoying it with little struggle.

Wanting to live is looking forward to something, having purpose, that you're enjoying the moment instead of hoping time will pass as soon as possible just to get that rare moment of joy. Even if something goes wrong, eventually, you'll get back on your feet and move onward. Those who want to live don't think about death as they are contempt with life.

Giving up living means you have no hope for the future, that the current situation feels inescapable (and I say feels. Sometimes it is escapeable, but it's difficult to percieve if you're in it). Every day is just wishing for it to end to go unconscious in sleep or pass time by indulging in media in an unhealthy way for that dopamine hit until the day it's time to CTB, or just, pass in some other way.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand, personally I've never wished for existence and never would do, to me existing is completely undesirable in general, in my case just being conscious is such a painful, futile burden that just causes me to suffer, I only hope to fall into an eternal, dreamless sleep and never exist again. More than anything I wish I never existed at all, I truly was never meant to suffer in this existence.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Same here. I have always, always wanted to be dead. I have never once wanted to be alive. I don't understand what it means to be alive as I'm not like other humans at all. To be, the only bliss that I can find is in death. I can't relate to those who love being alive in this cruel, repulsive existence

 

[SteamaHorns]

When you want to live, you feel like there's still something you can lose, however small. Whether true or of delusion, you in part or of entirety believe that things can still get better. When you want to live, you feel content within the moment, because you're satisfied with what you believe will happen next. Even when things seem a bit worse off, at the very least, a part of you believes that it will pass and eventually lead to something more favorable. These things are not what give a person happiness alone, but they are what keeps the person from losing their desire to live. When a person like this faces death, they're afraid missing of the opportunities, moments, and experiences that they believe that they could've gone through.

Although I wish to die, a part of me is scared of actually going through with it. Despite how hopeless I feel, there's a small part of me that stubbornly hopes for and can imagine how everything could somehow become better. The more I convince myself of the unlikliness of my hopes, the less scared I become, and the more accepting I grow of the choice of taking my life. The more possible that my hopes seem, the greater I come to fear dying. But yeah, I guess this could just be how I personally experience it, but I'd say that what sets apart someone who is and isn't afraid of dying is their perception of the possibility of things changing for the better, and perhaps also the capability to even imagine what 'better' would be for them.

 

[alienfreak]

I only had one period where I really had something to live for, maybe for about 2 years. It was characterised by a different type of anxiety. While suicidal, I end up living somewhat day by day. In the period that i gained something to live for, I was burdened by the fear of something going wrong and losing what i had. Even if you have everything, it can be terrifying to know you can lose it and exhausting to know you have to fight to hold onto it. Horribly difficult questions that didn't used to matter become important, like "wait, how can i possibly financially support myself for another 40 years so I can keep this going?". The desire to live means the desire to successfully solve problems like that. It becomes necessary to prepare for the future and becomes harder to live in the present. There were moments of happiness but it was too hard for me, I was too weak, to hold on and keep maintaining the situation, so it slipped through my fingers. Even though i was aware that certain things were the most precious to me, I failed to hold onto them. My experience is that the anxiety never ends and life is still almost always a struggle just in different flavours. i was also never able to truly appreciate what i had until it was gone.

 

[chester]

To me it's doing things, feeling good because of them and looking forward to more. The "things" could be anything. Spending time with someone you love, raising children, having a career, a hobby, any sort of self development, etc. Wanting to live is believing life can be good for you in spite of it being pointless in the broader sense.

 

[KillingPain267]

What is it like to have the desire to live?

I forgot

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Wanting to live feels like wanting to live, that's it. People here seem to have this assumption that wanting to live equates to enjoying life and having something to look forward to but that isn't necessarily the case. There are a lot of people who want to live and who are also struggling to get by in life. Some people want to live but also hate their life and the suffering they are going through. Some people want to live but feel so depressed that it's hard to even get out of bed. Wanting to live just means that you want to live. That's it. It's not always some foreign experience filled with joy and a sense of purpose. Your urges to live can be driven by a fear of death or by others relying on you for their survival and well-being.

Not being suicidal isn't some special feeling. The reasons why someone wants to live can differ greatly from person to person.

 

[sevennn]

you'll know when you attempt. you'll know what it's like when SI kicks in

Wanting to live feels like wanting to live, that's it. People here seem to have this assumption that wanting to live equates to enjoying life and having something to look forward to but that isn't necessarily the case. There are a lot of people who want to live and who are also struggling to get by in life. Some people want to live but who also hate their life and the suffering they are going through. Some people want to live but who feel so depressed that it's hard to even get out of bed. Wanting to live just means that you want to live. That's it. It's not some foreign experience filled with joy and a sense of purpose. Your urges to live can be driven by a fear of death or by others relying on you for their survival and well-being.

Not being suicidal isn't some special feeling. Why someone wants to live can differ greatly from person to person.

i want to live. tinnitus stops live. can't live anymore. really sad. don't want to do this. really wanted to live. i relate

 

[EvisceratedJester]

you'll know when you attempt. you'll know what it's like when SI kicks in

i want to live. tinnitus stops live. can't live anymore. really sad. don't want to do this. really wanted to live. i relate

Hey, have you ever tried this trick to see if it might help with your tinnitus?

 

[sevennn]

Hey, have you ever tried this trick to see if it might help with your tinnitus?

i know without opening link what talking about but doesn't help. only do it when hearing goes away for no reason. helps then. thanks

 

[Hotsackage]

Understanding the universe, and alcohol