What's actually makes you still here?

[Front Back]

Hi, I kinda want to know. I meself feels like I'm here to pay a debt off and just left. Sometimes I think about me little sister but putting me life on her doesn't sit right for me. I love that little lady but I don't want to stay here just to suffer longer to see her become something. I just know me death will probably affect her hard but I don't know if I'm allowed to say anything. Once this debt over, I'll get meself a plushie to help me walk over the edge of life.

 

[caramelpudding]

For me I think it's not my time yet but hope it will be soon. Kind of you to think about your little sister, maybe someday it won't be suffering as today and you might live to see her become something. I hope the best for you

 

[Pvnie]

I feel stuck due to my dads recent passing and my grandmothers deteriorating health and just my family in general. Most of the elders in my family have me on some weird awkward pedestal and they truly care for me and have had high hopes for me, literally saw me get birthed into this world as well.


My mom has been overprotective my whole life which is partially why I have lots of social issues aside from my faulty wiring in my head, and shes told me if something happened to me she wouldn't be able to live with herself. I sadly have enough empathy and sympathy or whatever to not go with my plans, but everyday I feel myself inching closer and closer to the brink. I don't even care about heaven or hell or whatever and my research into religion has made me even more curious about death.

Oh, and people in real life genuinely want me to commit suicide and they say horrid things about me, so a little bit of ego and pride as well as liking to be able to defend myself.

 

[Mrs. T-800]

I have good days and bad days. On the good (or, at least, neutral) days – which are, for now, more common than the bad ones – I am simply happy. I always carry around a little sadness with me, but that's my nature as a person; I'm softhearted, I had/have difficult circumstances, etc. But bad days are very, very, very bad. The good and neutral days make life liveable.

Why do I stick around?
I love my family, I want to be with them and pray about them, as well as live to make a difference when and how I can in any way. I want to be able to be a positive force in the world. I'm also simply scared. I have little, low-stakes things that I look forward to and stick around for – I love to watch the streetlamps come on in the evening and see what time they turned on, I have plants to care for, I have a relaxed wish list of things I want to do (have pet birds, get a motorcycle, write as much fanfic as possible, learn certain skills) that I feel no pressure to complete but just would like to do.
Also I feel like my parents put in so much work for me to live. It would crush me to crush my mom. I want her to live as happy and easy a life as possible.

 

[FuneralCry]

I only continue to suffer in this terrible, torturous and dreadful existence as a result of existing in this horrific world where humans have made it a crime to cease existing peacefully with the suffering and torture of existing seen as to force and prolong no matter what.

All I want is to be gone, for me non-existence is just all that's positive in this existence I just always saw as the most terrible mistake that just causes all this cruelty, torture and suffering with no limit as to how much agony one can feel. I always suffer as a result of being trapped in this painful, dreadful existence that just never should had been imposed, to suffer in this existence truly is an abomination to me, I just want to be permanently unconscious free from all suffering, all that anti-suicide does is cause way more torture and suffering, it's truly criminal to me how humans are forced to suffer in this existence.

 

[JoeFailure]

I have good days and bad days. On the good (or, at least, neutral) days – which are, for now, more common than the bad ones – I am simply happy. I always carry around a little sadness with me, but that's my nature as a person; I'm softhearted, I had/have difficult circumstances, etc. But bad days are very, very, very bad. The good and neutral days make life liveable.

Why do I stick around?
I love my family, I want to be with them and pray about them, as well as live to make a difference when and how I can in any way. I want to be able to be a positive force in the world. I'm also simply scared. I have little, low-stakes things that I look forward to and stick around for – I love to watch the streetlamps come on in the evening and see what time they turned on, I have plants to care for, I have a relaxed wish list of things I want to do (have pet birds, get a motorcycle, write as much fanfic as possible, learn certain skills) that I feel no pressure to complete but just would like to do.
Also I feel like my parents put in so much work for me to live. It would crush me to crush my mom. I want her to live as happy and easy a life as possible.

This is really nice. If I could figure out a job I can actually do I'd probably stick around for similar reasons. But it's cool that you want to stay for other people, very selfless.

 

[Front Back]

very selfless.

I honestly hate being selfless person, stuck here feeling bad for everyone while the one who's actually in charge of everything can just sleep after killing pople

 

[Bishop]

Spite

 

[SadMcFrowns]

Lack of a good method & the fact that I can't bring myself to directly harm myself. Whenever I try to do something, I pull myself back because I'm scared.

 

[boyafraid]

I hope things get better for you at some point so you won't have to ctb

What's keeping me here is not having access to my new method. Currently saving up for it...

Also, plushies are so cute and can help with mental health stuff! It's so nice that you are getting one (:

Wish you the best always

 

[cupiodissolvi]

If I did that, I would destroy my parents' lives, and that would be quite selfish. They are not perfect (nor am I), but they do not deserve to have their lives totally destroyed.
So I guess I'm forced to remain caged here, in this hellish society, for a few more decades. In the end, I'll do what this guy did: Albert Caraco

It's not easy, but antidepressants help.

I also like to remember Seneca's quote:

Qui nil potest sperare, desperet nihil

Which roughly means:

Those who have nothing more to hope for, no longer have reasons to despair

Some of this is true. No longer having expectations, seeing life for what it is - an empty shell - makes it a little lighter

 

[blackmoldonwall]

Not at my worst state yet to actually go now

 

[Liebestod]

Delusions I impose on myself so that cause suffering so that I'll live. The only reason anyone wants to live is because they're suffering.

 

[Mrs. T-800]

This is really nice. If I could figure out a job I can actually do I'd probably stick around for similar reasons. But it's cool that you want to stay for other people, very selfless.

That's very sweet of you, thank you.
I'm sure you can find the right job. I literally didn't even know mine was a thing until after college, almost after law school, and I wouldn't have ever known about it if not for a single speaker we had in class. You never know what's right around the corner. I hope good things will come your way, I think the proper job will in time!
What would you like to do, ideally?

 

[JoeFailure]

That's very sweet of you, thank you.
I'm sure you can find the right job. I literally didn't even know mine was a thing until after college, almost after law school, and I wouldn't have ever known about it if not for a single speaker we had in class. You never know what's right around the corner. I hope good things will come your way, I think the proper job will in time!
What would you like to do, ideally?

Thanks, I'm 40 years old now though. I would love to be able to do a job that would help people and not be stuck at a desk, I have a lot of issues with focus and concentration and I'm not tech-savvy.

What is it that you do?

 

[pillfriends]

probably the fear of where i'll go when i CTB.

also, music and the media i consume. i can't imagine my life without music and certain videos/sites i browse.

 

[burninghill]

It's very hard for me to pinpoint why I'm still alive, I think it's just small things that string me along. When I hang out with my friends every few weeks or have a good chat with my sister, hell at my worst I just looked forward to laying in bed at the end of it all.

I wish that these things would disppear so I could finally die, or that my brain would truly understand that these things aren't worth the constant and daily suffering I go through.

Post-death is also a fear of mine too, I suppose. I want to be someone better than this. I'm scared that when I die, there's nothing.

 

[bruised_reed]

I have a meeting on June 4th that I need to go to in order to tie up some loose ends. I'm probably either going to go that night or the following night.

 

[darksouls]

afraid of afterlife

 

[yxmux]

1. fear. i often feel like i don't know enough about what death is to actually take matters into my own hands in welcoming it. ironically though, i feel this way about life as well.
2. intellectualization. very distracting, especially when it manifests as a means of not "doing." this isn't exclusive to ctbing either.
3. avolition. i think this speaks for itself. it is incredibly difficult to do anything goal-oriented.

(edit: added 3)

 

[urgent]

I don't have a way but my health will only get worse. I wish I could end it now.

 

[Bishop]

I don't have a way but my health will only get worse. I wish I could end it now.

Yes survival instinct affects us all.

 

[delinquentsandwich]

I used to live for my friends but not anymore
I refuse to be codependent in that sort of way

mostly living because my elderly mother needs help around the house after my dad passed
I was supposed to go in January but my dad's passing put a wrench in that haha

oh well

 

[Macedonian1987]

For me, my parents are still alive and I don't want to hurt them. If they died long time ago I would have ctb 10 years ago.

 

[Mrs. T-800]

Thanks, I'm 40 years old now though. I would love to be able to do a job that would help people and not be stuck at a desk, I have a lot of issues with focus and concentration and I'm not tech-savvy.

What is it that you do?

Mine is strangely enough a mix of helping people and a desk job. I agree though. The desk can get mind-numbingly boring and it turns depressing. On the other hand, being overly active is just as tough. I wish something like retail could be more feasible in this day and age, with slow shifts and busy ones, it's a good mix that doesn't involve staring at a screen. The screens are miserable.

I work in healthcare compliance, it only really became a field in the late 90s

 

[puppyboy]

I'm only hanging on for a bit longer because of guilt. I mean the world to my older sister, she has helped me through my abusive childhood. We grew up in poverty and with shitty addict parents. I've also reached out to friends whenever I feel suicidal. My death would devastate them.

The words that stuck with me were, "I don't want you to end up like my ex. I can't handle another death, it will destroy me." and, "If you kill yourself, I would feel like I failed you for the rest of my life."

I also just feel weird about someone having to find my body. I'd like to just disappear without a trace, you know?

 

[rottingratlab]

Mostly my cats, and my mom a bit

 

[stepanch1k]

My pride and my hatred towards people