What triggered my depression

[Pigeonleaderboard44]

So today I had a quiz which I knew was coming and didn't study for. And that triggered me feeling like a failure, but I think what fucked me up more was my epiphany. I realized for a majority of my life I thought I was a moral person who acted on what was right. When my professor pointed out that everyone is a hypocrite and can't live up to their ideals- I realized I was the exact same way.

I felt so pathetic and evil. That since I can't live up to my standards, I should die because what's the point. My purpose was to help and become a moral figure and I can't even do that. What's the point of living them? I'm no better than people in power. I'm so frustrated but also feel like I need to punish myself. I wanna cut so bad but I can't and it's taking everything out of me not to punish myself.

 

[hopeless-believer]

I'm so sorry. I've been feeling eerily similar with finding that my actions and life is far removed from the morals and ethics I based my life upon. I wanted there always to be a right and wrong in any given situation and act with the grace and goodness no matter how difficult.

But when we struggle, we don't fit into our long held beliefs of right and wrong, and we recognise we are hypocrites, the only thing we can do is try not to be going forward, easier said than done I know. But change is possible.

I've had my fair share of, why didn't I do this earlier, I can't I concentrate, why am I stress hurting and harming all the time and laying in bed to just not ctb or SH. But you are strong, you'll come back from this dip, I know it can feel like a black fog above you, but try to realise we can't change what we did, but we can change what we do going forward and that helps us to live with ourselves and stick to our guiding beliefs. Never perfection, but always trying to be good and do as much good as we can.

Kindest, take care.

 

[Arni]

I think it will pass with time. Many people, including me, had similar thoughts