Discussion What stops you from ending yourself right now?

[MasonMadeThings]

Yeah I would say so. Is that the kind of situation you are in, or do you have other things troubling you?

In a way, yes. My cycles aren't short but they're spread apart. It's always something along the lines of this:

Get lonely > Get Sad > Get Help > Get Friends > Lose Friends > Get lonely.

What caused the latest cycle to end? I moved to college and found my people. My people decided to stop being friends with me and then a person I was talking to decided the same thing as well. I hold no anger towards any of them at all. If they came back today, I would accept them as if nothing happened. It's just that I'm tired of myself feeling this way and being chained to this.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

In a way, yes. My cycles aren't short but they're spread apart. It's always something along the lines of this:

Get lonely > Get Sad > Get Help > Get Friends > Lose Friends > Get lonely.

What caused the latest cycle to end? I moved to college and found my people. My people decided to stop being friends with me and then a person I was talking to decided the same thing as well. I hold no anger towards any of them at all. If they came back today, I would accept them as if nothing happened. It's just that I'm tired of myself feeling this way and being chained to this.

Yeah I get this although I haven't been making any friends IRL and all of my friends are alone. My cycle is sleep, go to school, come back home, sleep, use the computer, and sleep again, day in and day out. I am sorry that this keeps happening to you, these cycles of life continue to wear on us, keep wearing on us, until we eventually get so tired of it, it forces us to join places like these. Making friends online has at least made me keep longterm friends whereas all of my friendships/acquaintances are fickle and practically nonexistent, but they all have lives of their own, some very fruitful ones, and so I seem woefully behind them all still.

 

[MasonMadeThings]

Yeah I get this although I haven't been making any friends IRL and all of my friends are alone. My cycle is sleep, go to school, come back home, sleep, use the computer, and sleep again, day in and day out. I am sorry that this keeps happening to you, these cycles of life continue to wear on us, keep wearing on us, until we eventually get so tired of it, it forces us to join places like these. Making friends online has at least made me keep longterm friends whereas all of my friendships/acquaintances are fickle and practically nonexistent, but they all have lives of their own, some very fruitful ones, and so I seem woefully behind them all still.

Yeah, the internet is probably the one thing keeping me going other than my mom. I guess there's something about text

 

[WhatPowerIs]

Yeah, the internet is probably the one thing keeping me going other than my mom. I guess there's something about text

I like the anonymity of it although I wonder how many of my friends would wonder what's happened to me after I am gone and I haven't talked to them for awhile? I'm sure more than I probably think. It is also another thing that is keeping me going, but I'm not sure for how long.

 

[Cantbereal]

Having a full proof way

 

[oneeyed]

Having a full proof way

Same. Don't have easy access to guns here and my preferred way (N) is difficult to come by. I have failed before, but waking up is not fun.

 

[vexxed]

family- namely my siblings- and my dog. my parents already fucked me up enough, so I gotta make sure they have someone who'll actually listen to their problems.

they struggle with a lot of the same stuff I have, so it's nice to be able to push them in the right direction away from the self-destructive mistakes I made throughout my youth.

 

[Cantbereal]

Same. Don't have easy access to guns here and my preferred way (N) is difficult to come by. I have failed before, but waking up is not fun.

How can you acquire n?

 

[Hirokami]

Mom, my SO, and my cats. I guess I do have some personal goals, though I'm not 100% sure if I have the mental stamina to see them through.

 

[IntelligentLeg]

I have to plan my whole day around it. I'm horrible at planning. Trying to choose the perfect day. I'm very indecisive when it comes to choosing the day. Possibly this weekend..

 

[Fthis]

I had the sort of realization that because I can kill myself doesn't mean I should CURRENTLY. What I mean is I can try anything, do whatever the fuck I want and if it doesn't work oh well I can always drive to a nice place and do it no need to fear failure :)

 

[Zegers]

Aside from not having meto... anything, but the latter may also sound like something "unnecessary" why don't open the SN now and take it? I guess the answer is SI. But choice is made.

 

[wiltedLotus]

For me it's my mother. I've already attempted before and I saw how sad she was. Didn't know how much she loved me until after that.

Just the amount of days until I do it. I said goodbye to my parents this past weekend. It was sad but I've had issues my whole life so I feel like a part of them will understand. They'll have to, I can't stay anymore

 

[WaveringLight]

Well it's not relevant now since I'm set on CTB with SN in a month or two. But I remember my first "attempt" was going on a walk and disappearing. Note, I had not discovered this website yet so I wasn't too knowledgeable on methods. Yes, I was planning on slowly disintegrating (dying from dehydration or starving, or someone thinks I'm vulnerable and kills me) away as excruciating as that sounds. I could have done it. I was set on doing it that night. I was done with life, at least I thought.

So I told my mother I was going on a walk and that I loved her (she was also leaving the house at this moment), and walked without anything on me besides clothes and shoes. No phone or wallet. I wouldn't want anyone to triangulate my location. So I just continuously walked for 5 hours straight. No stopping. I had a lot of time to reflect. But then I noticed it was getting quite dark and I really looked at the situation at hand. My parents had probably filed a missing persons report, and if I wasn't back soon, they would search through my devices. And I didn't want them pestering my friends or nosing into my personal information, even though nothing would be on there regarding my whereabouts. I just didn't like the idea of that.

That and I realized how much pain my absence would cause. If I just disappear, my family wouldnt be sure of my fate or if it was what I wanted. I want them to have closure at least when I CTB. So that's when I decided to head back.

Given my various musculoskeletal problems, I wasn't sure if I was going to make it by the late morning. It was hard to walk; I wasn't exhausted but I was in pretty good pain. My legs felt numb. My feet (flat-footed) and calves were becoming increasingly more painful. I haven't done exercise like that in awhile either. I was thinking about resting on a bench or something then continue making my way back. I quite literally was getting to the point I couldn't walk, that's how much pain there was. But I realized that my devices may be searched if I'm not back in time and I would cause greater trauma to my loved ones. More importantly, the excuse I had for being gone would have not worked if I was gone longer than I was and I could have been under greater scrutiny of my mental health (psych ward). So I trekked on. And for what felt like eternity, I made it back home and rang the door bell. I don't know how the hell I did that. It was one of most impressing things I ever did in my life given my physical conditions. Gone for a 10 hour walk lol.

But yeah at that point, I was like "I should totally research methods". After that whole circus. Now I don't have any barrier, and I can go out the way I want.

 

[slushy]

Survival instinct and the fear of failure, mostly. Don't want to get caught midway through and end up brain damaged.

 

[IDontLikeMyself]

The only thing actually keeping me here are my 2 dumb cats and my grandparents. My cats really don´t leave my side when they see me struggling.

 

[ScarletMaid]

well I am gonna be in a mental hospital for now... soo I dont rlly think I have an option lol

 

[Forever Sleep]

My Dad. Don't feel like I can go while he's still alive. Also, really need to get my shit together and prepare everything- will, funeral, goodbye emails. Then I reckon good old fear will get in the way!

 

[MasonMadeThings]

I have to plan my whole day around it. I'm horrible at planning. Trying to choose the perfect day. I'm very indecisive when it comes to choosing the day. Possibly this weekend..

I wish you peace in whatever choice you make.

My Dad. Don't feel like I can go while he's still alive. Also, really need to get my shit together and prepare everything- will, funeral, goodbye emails. Then I reckon good old fear will get in the way!

Yeah, funerals are so expensive nowadays. You seem very thoughtful

 

[Arrow]

There is still one thing worth fighting for and I must live long enough to see it through to its end.

 

[Lost Magic]

There is very little keeping me here now. I know things will not get better (maybe even worse). I even have a will written up. I really need to start making a proper plan though. I'm so tired of all of this.

 

[Rounded Agony]

Lack of either a gun or everything for SN to work. Trying to sort out the latter, wishing for the former but don't know how to make it feasibly comfortable.

 

[onlyway63]

Only lack of a fast-acting method, really. I have plans, but it's a slow and unpleasant method, and I'll have to wait a few days to do it. It's all I have ATM, though, and I need to CTB.

 

[ikadasui]

I get paid tomorrow and after eating crap for days I want a nice meal...

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

My mom, my cat and the possibility of getting a job tomorrow.

 

[jodes2]

The other thing keeping me here are the things I do in my daily routine to distract myself. SS, Reddit, online poker, TV, smoking and coffee. That is the summary of my life. They're my coping mechanisms for dealing with crippling boredom and uneasiness. Even with the above, though, I'm never satisfied. But without them, I'd probably have to find a way to depart from my gf in this life leaving her to grieve. It would be the final straw.

mom, my cat and the possibility of getting a job tomorrow.

Good luck with the job!

 

[mojo916]

Haven't quite prepared the supplies

 

[oneeyed]

How can you acquire n?

Don't know. Reading these forums and idle research, there's currently no reliable source. Hopefully that will change soon

 

[deadliftEnjoyer]

By degrees of importance:
- My dogs would miss me
- I could fuck up and become a vegetable/paralyzed
-Mom would be sad

It might sound bad to put some doggies feelings before your mother, and god knows I love her very much, but she is kinda guilty of bringing me unwillingly into the world right?
The boys are innocent creatures that couldn't understand why I left them.

 

[SadScarlet]

Fear, mostly. Other than that, I have nothing I deem as valuable to stay for.