Since the beginning of last year, I have been operating on 80-90 hours schedule per week, going to school hardcore from Monday - Thursday taking 5 engineering classes ( I have about 2 more years to getting a degree from a respectable school and a very high paying career) while working full time from Friday - Sunday ( roughly 36 hours in 3 days). It was a stressful year and I observed my mental health started declining. Anyone that has been through such stress know it has such negative impact on your quality of life and how you behave and treat other people around. I became more irritated, angry. That got out of countrol when my grades started slipping (I am on scholarship so I need 3.5 GPA to maintain it) and I was in some financial tight spot. I am going to admit that I wasn't the best boyfriend/fiance to my now ex and she felt unhappy with the relationship we were having. At one point when we had a pregnancy scare, I did what a stressful 21 years old guy who hasn't had his life in order would do, I panicked and told her I will not take care of the baby if she has it. That was the turning point of the relationship or at least the beginning of it. The reality was I would have loved our baby and my fiance anyway. Not long after that she started distanting herself from the relationship and one night she decided to walk out on me while in bed just to be with another dude she just had met and came back at 5 in the morning to tell me that she doesnt love me enough. That whole night while she was gone, I cried and called asking where she is at (Still have nightmares and flashbacks from it as it affects me deeply). Eveything after that is well... spontaneous combustion. It got so bad I went to hospital 3 times, psyward twice for attempting to slash my wrist in front of her house and another time for telling a friend straight up I'm going to get of work tonight and kill myself with a 9mm glock. Both resulted on being thrown against the squad car, handcuffed and transported to the ER. The fallout from all the shit that I pulled was horrendous, ex and her family never want to see me..ever again, she changed her number and delete all my social media traces and pretty much if I ever set foot in the neighborhood again, I'll be arrested and charged with a felony. My family is completely devastated and shocked, that sure helps with the guilt I'm already carrying... My friends are completely bewildered and disappointed, some are flat out hostile and angry. The general consensus toward me is that I am a completely idiot, stupid, weak. Why give up your life when you're young, handsome, funny, intelligent and have a good life ahead of you. Yes because of all the achievements I ever accomplished, how sociable I am and how much people around that care and love me unconditionally, I should feel happy and satisfied right? Most of the time nowadays, I spent in isolation and completely closed myself to everyone because I can't watch myself hurting others. I was diagnosed with clinical depression with severe episodes after what happened, I feel sad, unhappy and empty most of the time. People wanna see what they wanna see, a successful, sociable person by society standard but they don't see how much of the persistent sadness and emotional, mental pain a person is going through. They don't see that you can get overwhelmed with the pain so much that nothing inside you can help you cope with it and you end up collapsing to the floor crying yourself to death. I cried before going to sleep, during sleep and after I woke up.The feelings ot guilt, shame, hurt, and an inexplicable persistent feeling of sadness for everything happened before and after the emotional trauma my ex put me through. Part of me wants to share that blame on others and my ex but most of the time I blame myself to death for everything. These days I'm not as impulsive as 2 months ago but I know too well that if the pain takes over again, I will ding myself with a 9mm and end my life right there. Fuck attention and all that, I don't want to become a tragic story in the family and friend's circle. He killed himself while he has everything waiting for him, I just want to be forgotten and carry the immense amount of pain with me.
TL;DR: life went to hell, stressed out, school and work didn't go well, fiance cheated and dumped me in the most horrible way -> Depressed and feeling suicidal.
