What Did I Actually Intend To Do

[Drakkamora]

For years I have yearned to die, even have multiple attempts under my belt (not any kind of accomplishment, just fact). I had one where I was so close the doctors even pronounced me dead...until my heart started again for whatever reason...for a while I've been playing the good part with the smiles and the I'm fines. Which isn't necessarily a lie. I'm not depressed. I just don't want to live. Now I fins myself in a hotel room I got a couple nights ago and have a couple more nights yet to go and I can't stop thinking about ctb. I feel like I have the ticket right in the palm of my hand and I'm in the perfect place that my family won't find me. Don't get me wrong, I feel terribly for the poor soul who would. The strange part is when I got this room, the intent was to isolate and work on my book. Yet after the first 24, maybe 36 hours, all I can think about and all I desire is ctb. Albeit it wasn't initial intent, the desire, conversely, has always been there so I am beginning to wonder if I didn't do this for the intent of ctb but on, initially, a subconscious level. After all, even now I still haven't told a single soul of where I went....

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds so awful to me going through failed ctb attempts, it's what I fear, attempting to ctb but just ending up back here. I've also wished to be gone for such a long time, in fact existence has been something I've never wanted to endure at all, but sadly I'm still trapped here. I hope that when the time is right for you to leave, you find the freedom that you wish for.