Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[mangorose]

Disbelief. It has been almost a year since I found out my then girlfriend hadn't been faithful after being together for more than 3 years and I think it has finally begun to sink in. I have no idea where to turn to for support, I don't want to talk about it with my family and I don't have any friends I feel close enough with either. I thought we were going to spend our lives together and now I have to deal with her moving on. It feels impossible to move on but I know I have to because I don't think I'd survive feeling like this for much longer :(

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I wish I were desirable. I keep on thinking that being desirable would help make me feel better about myself, but it never does. Despite this, I keep on wishing I were more desirable. I wished I was naturally attractive enough that caused people to turn their head.

 

[star.trip]

I don't know how to describe what I feel is something of sadness, acceptance, trapped... it's hard to define this emotion.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Turns out I have low iron, which I think may explain the mental health decline that I was going through. The doctor still insists that I am mentally, but I don't give a shit. This is the same person who incorrectly explained to me how SSRIs worked. The thing is, depression isn't caused by a chemical imbalance and SSRIs are thought to work by indirectly addressing the problem, similar to chemotherapy. She seems pretty keen on me agreeing to take meds, but I'm doing that shit anytime soon. I refuse to have my life potentially destroyed by taking a bunch of shitty meds. I don't get why you would even come to the conclusion that I must have mental health issues after finding out about my low iron. She also can't wrap her head around the idea of someone being suicidal and not mentally ill, but she also acknowledges that the "symptoms" that I am describing make diagnosing me difficult because none of my symptoms seem to align with a specific mental illness. Literally, everything points to me not being mentally ill, so I don't get why she feels so insistent on labelling me with a mental illness. Just because you can't wrap your head around why I am suicidal doesn't mean that I am mentally ill. There is even research showing that suicidal ideation is not something unique to mentally ill individuals and can be seen in anyone.

I hope I don't end up having to see her again.

 

[Dejected 55]

Everything is horrible, even the things that are not horrible are horrible. Everything causes pain, even the things that do not hurt cause pain. There is no reason for anything that happens, no possible redemption for the world, and I have no place anywhere in it. I want to be gone, whatever nothingness and oblivion is, I want that desperately. I do not yet have the courage, or maybe I stupidly cling to minuscule chances of a miracle, but I need to find the courage soon to take myself out of this world... or at least to try... I am also scared I might fail, and that will be so much worse... to feel everything as I already do and then face a reality that I can't end it even through suicide? That would be the most horrible.

 

[S like Siren]

I feel like I fucked up everything in my life,in this life.
But it's not like I could have avoided it

 

[Grog]

I got some of the strangest news today when I woke up. Somebody that I used to know for quite a long time passed away last night. We weren't buddy-buddy or anything, but I knew him for a long time through his other family members and he was always a good kid. He was only 22 and no one knows how he died yet. I just feel terrible for his family…

Life isn't fair.

 

[Lyn]

We have failed. As humanity.
Where is that power that will wash it all away...

 

[S like Siren]

Just had an anxiety/panic attack
I am starting to breath again...

 

[darksouls]

why are good souls so often born into toxic families?

 

[Dejected 55]

I feel alone, deep in a dark cave. I can't even see light anymore. What is light? It's just a trick, there was never any light. Just more darkness, different darkness, but always darkness. I don't wish, because wishes never come true. I have lost all hope, so that is gone too. So many things that I want, I can barely even imagine them anymore. I am so far removed from any possibility of anything positive. I struggle with life, I struggle with death. It's all a never-ending struggle from one bad moment to the next one, the worst one. The next one is always worse than the one before. They are additive. The end cannot come soon enough, and yet I fight to bring myself to that edge.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I keep on thinking back to when my dad sent those text messages telling me that he thought he was going to die at some point within the week and how he was going to make sure to kill my mom because he doesn't like the idea of him dying before her. Idk why this is on my mind, especially since this happened over two years ago. Maybe it's because I read The Dogs not that long ago. I also feel pretty tired right now, probably due to my low iron. My mood is also pretty low today, which is also likely due to my low iron.

 

[Ferdinand Bardamu]

Why do I even fucking bother? Why do I even fucking bother? Why do I even fucking bother?
I make a friend and either they fuck me over, and I fuck them over somehow. In the former case, they either get mad at me for being honest or they get all weird and think they can get in my brain, psychoanalyze me in some way. You try explaining to them that you're problem is your life, your current conditions, and they start poking around in your brain, telling you it's because you're a Nationalist, that they know you better than yourself. I'm not even joking. I hate it. I just want someone who likes me, who can put up with me. But no, we can't have that, can we? You meet someone, you want to be their friend, and they don't accept. You don't want to come off as needy, but you say "Hey, wanna play a game sometime" or some shit and they never take it up. So you remove them, and what do they do? Bitch at you. Apparently you're the meanie or some shit. You find someone you love, and they seem to love you. Well, you get your hopes up, and then guess what they do? Go fucking bitch at you, accuse you of not loving them for no reason, you tell them they do and they don't listen. It's so cancerous. I want to give up. I'll never be happy. I'll never be happy, ever. Ever. So why fucking bother at this point? Not like it'll ever get better, so why fucking bother? But I can't bring myself to just rot, I ahte that. I want to, I need to, there's no alternative, but I can't bring myself to do that. I just can't.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Well, my student grants/loans got messed up and are now put on hold. It's my fault for dropping too many courses and now my mom and I have to sort it out. I feel so bad for stressing her out like this. She doesn't deserve to have to put up with this crap

 

[Ghostinplainsight]

I am feeling annoyed in this moment because i can't stop thinking about trying not to think about how i'm feeling, but it is impossible to not think whilst feeling and just let the words flow.

 

[Dejected 55]

The ache wells up deep inside of me and as it increases it spreads throughout my body. Thoughts of love I'll never experience, touches I'll never know, a life I'll never experience fill my mind. I want to cry, but I cried earlier while watching something on TV so I don't have the tears to cry at the moment, but the pain builds behind my eyes all the same. I close them and see nothing. I can't cut myself off from the thoughts like I can mostly cut myself off from the world. I keep going to look out a window or the front door, hoping to see someone I want to see, but knowing I never will. She will never come see me, never write to me, never talk to me. I will never hear or see her again. I am floating in limbo between now and the day I die a couple of months from now.

 

[Ferdinand Bardamu]

Why do I even fucking bother? Why do I even fucking bother? Why do I even fucking bother?
I make a friend and either they fuck me over, and I fuck them over somehow. In the former case, they either get mad at me for being honest or they get all weird and think they can get in my brain, psychoanalyze me in some way. You try explaining to them that you're problem is your life, your current conditions, and they start poking around in your brain, telling you it's because you're a Nationalist, that they know you better than yourself. I'm not even joking. I hate it. I just want someone who likes me, who can put up with me. But no, we can't have that, can we? You meet someone, you want to be their friend, and they don't accept. You don't want to come off as needy, but you say "Hey, wanna play a game sometime" or some shit and they never take it up. So you remove them, and what do they do? Bitch at you. Apparently you're the meanie or some shit. You find someone you love, and they seem to love you. Well, you get your hopes up, and then guess what they do? Go fucking bitch at you, accuse you of not loving them for no reason, you tell them they do and they don't listen. It's so cancerous. I want to give up. I'll never be happy. I'll never be happy, ever. Ever. So why fucking bother at this point? Not like it'll ever get better, so why fucking bother? But I can't bring myself to just rot, I ahte that. I want to, I need to, there's no alternative, but I can't bring myself to do that. I just can't.

And now the same fucker who kept saying "Oh I want to help you, oh I want to help you" has gone silent. You say, give me your help if you think I need it so much, and the cunt goes silent. I can't take this shit anymore. Everyone pretending they care. What a load of horseshit.

 

[Arachno]

It's been pretty bad as I have been having issues with urinating and constipation. In a garbage body like mine I really shouldn't take simple things like being able to piss and shit properly for granted. I really don't wanna think about what sort of hellish procedures will I have to undergo if I have to go to a doctor.

My body keeps doing these sorts of things to me every single week and I'm SO tired of it. I complained about chest pain here a few weeks back, now it's completely gone like it never happened and now I deal with this :(
I feel like whenever I start contempating suicide the issues go away and when I feel better my body brings out an a new issue, and this dumb cycle just keeps going and GOING.

 

[Ferdinand Bardamu]

I wish I knew what I was. I know I'm not straight, but I have no clue whether I'm gay or bi, and I hate it. I just want tome semblance of order and control.

 

[Unsure and Useless]

Confused and guilty. I want to be left alone—that's generally how I prefer to be. However, my family keeps intruding in my room without knocking and just... throwing themselves into my space. I feel like an immature broody teenager complaining about this, but honestly, is being alone too much to ask for? It's not like this is something foreign either. I've always kept to myself if I'm not around friends, so I don't know why they act as if my behavior is abnormal.

 

[Unsure and Useless]

(The spoiler parts are NSFW things!)

Well, I'm feeling quite happy in a weird sort of way. I'm certainly not depressed, but I just want to sort of blow my brains out because of how happy I am. I've been finding such good music, and it makes me all giddy inside. There's definitely something wrong with me because listening to good music has me feeling so happy I want to die while at the same time being so sexually stimulated. It's kinda embarrassing haha...

These good songs make me want to run to a train and jump in front of it so I'll get turned into red mist. I swear, these artists have to stop putting crack in their music or else I'm gonna traumatize people in a moment of weakness one way or another. Not only that, listening to really good music turns me on???? I can't explain it. If I didn't have an already low libido, I think I would've literally cum in my pants. A good song, doesn't matter what genre, has me fully willing to do sexual favors for free.

(And for anyone who's curious as to what song could possibly get me to react like this, here it is.)

If I didn't need therapeutic(?) intervention for my desire to CTB, then I'm pretty certain that my unusual reaction to listening to music is something that definitely needs some type of intervention. (Probably Jesus lol)

 

[Hellis]

I'm feeling my cat. He is very soft.

 

[darksouls]

I feel trapped in a never-ending nightmare
no chance of escape
if I try, I only make everything worse
no matter which decision I make
it is fundamentally the wrong one
sometimes I feel like a pawn in a game
and the players laugh at me
they are higher beings that we humans cannot perceive
for them we are all serve as their entertainment
they place bets on us
they see humanity for what it is
absolutely insignificant

 

[Dejected 55]

Nothing I say or do matters. I don't move the needle at all. If I never existed most everything would be the way it already is, and no one would think anything amiss. If I stopped existing tomorrow, it would take months for anyone to notice, and then it would only be when someone comes to take possession of my house for non-payment. I have no friends, very little family and I'm mostly estranged from them. Eventually some of them would know something happened to me, and maybe they think about it for a minute, but their lives are already what they are without me, so even those handful of people will only have a brief blip.

It's not that I want people to suffer in my absence, because I don't. It's just a point of fact that my being gone will not many any difference at all to the world, even to people who know me... and that's all the proof I need that there's no point in me being here. There never was, really, I just fooled myself for a long time in thinking I could matter, I could be someone, I could have a life and a love and family... but nothing was ever on the table for me.