Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[EvisceratedJester]

He took himself off the transplant waiting list and claims that he can't put himself back on it again, meaning that his is going to fucking die! I can't wrap my around why he would so this to himself! Like why?! A part of me wants to threaten suicide against him. This isn't anything new and I've never acted on those urges before, but this time I'm actually considering doing it for the sake of trying to get him to at least attempt to put himself back on the waiting list. I know it is wrong and selfish and, thankfully, I'm too much of a coward to act on those urges, but I don't want him to die. I love him too much! I mesdage him at least once a die! I don't want him to he gone! Why would he do this! I am so upset right adn I don't know what to to! I hate this so much! I don't want him to die! I don't want him to fie I don't want him to die! Why would he do this to himself! I still don't get it! He keeps on talking about having too much to do and whatnot but I don't get how that explains him screwing himself over like this! I don't fucking get it! I don't know what to do


Edit: he says it's not worth it and rhat he would rather just die. I know that it's hypocritical of me to be upset with his decision since it is his body at the end of day, but I hate it so much. I don't want him to go. Messaging him is one of those little highlights of my day and knowing that I might not be able tk do that one day makes me upset. I don't want him to go.

 

[MyDeath88]

I'd like to stop.

 

[Dejected 55]

The most alone and isolated I have ever felt. I feel so far back inside my skull that when I think it echoes. I look out around me from way back inside my skull and everything seems so far away. I can't even imagine or dream of finding a place to belong or a person to belong with. Everything about society and most people seems completely alien to me and nearly unfathomable. I sometimes still wish I could understand, have someone with me in my life, but I know these things are impossible. I just sit here draining of energy and willpower and hope and longing for the day when the only thing I have motivation for is the end.

 

[EchoWanderer77]

confused

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I don't want to see the counsellor anymore, let alone any of the mental health people or doctors at my uni. I don't need this shit. I'm fine. The issue is that my counsellor will probably contact my dad if I try to cancel our next appointment or if I try voicing that I don't think I need counselling anymore. It's my fault for admitting to having these thoughts last session and claiming that I do think I still needed it despite them. WHY DID I CLAIM THAT? My mom will be
pissed off if she finds out that I don't want to do counselling anymore but I don't need it. Nor do I need to see a stupid psychiatrist, nor do I need to see someone about counselling in the community, nor do I need to see someone from accessibility resources. I don't need any of this. Why did I get myself into this mess? I don't have any actual mental health issues! Why am I so fucking stupid!? I don't need this shit! I don't need it at all! Now I have a shit load of unnecessary appointments next week and I hate it! Why do I keep on screwing myself over! My counsellor wants to go over our safety plan because they are concerned over my safety, but I don't even need a safety plan! It's not like could do shit to myself even if I wanted to since my mom is always around and even if she wasn't I don't care! I don't care about my safety! I don't care about any of this shit! I hate all of this shit! I fucking hate everybody! I don't want to do any of this anymore! I don't like any of this and I want it all to end but I'm not allowed that for some fucking reason and it pisses me off so fucking badly!

 

[Grog]

I take way too long to text because I'm stupid and I always want to make sure I find the exact right words… and now she's probably asleep and now I am mad at myself because I love talking to her so much lmao~

 

[Bowerbird]

My birthday is within the next 2 months. My family and such (who im not as close to) will probably start to see notifications on Facebook about my birthday, see me tagged in posts, etc, and realise I am trans... this is it. I am cooked. They are gonna start to catch on. Fuck

In particular worried abt my MAGA boomer dad. He will be disappointed when he finds out what I am now. Not if, when. Bc Sooner or later he's gonna find out. I'm a freak, a monster, a disappointment. At best he will mourn, as to him its like his daughter passed away/was stolen away from him and brainwashed, and is basically gone/doesn't exist anymore, i will feel like a ghost spectating him mourning over his daughter who is gone, and he will never accept that I'm still here, just a different person now. I'm just ded to him. At worst, he will hate me and be disappointed and want me to rot. He might try to do something bad to me, he knows my address, or maybe his mental problems could relapse.

He's very conservative, while I am rather progressive, yet I also inherited a lot of his brain chemistry and traits and its surreal how similar I really am to him. idk man. It gives me existential horror.

 

[purplesky9]

I want my life to go back to what it was like before. Before I had so many problems. I have no hope for the future now. I have made so many stupid mistakes and I can't change them. I really don't know what I'm going to do. I'm really scared that I won't be able to kill myself and I'll just have to suffer for what feels like an eternity.

 

[tychai]

it's been about a year since I've last been here. I moved recently and ever since I moved I've been a wreck and every trauma that followed me before is catching up now that my brain has a safer space to actually process things. it's pretty unpleasant. ive been more impulsive and exhausted and dysfunctional and my poor friends are trying to help and i feel bad for them that they're wasting their time on me. they deserve a lot better than me. ive isolated myself to try to lessen the amount of time they are exposed to my mess but i know thats not the healthy thing to do for healing and i know all my friends would prefer to help so it all feels like one senseless problem created by my own head and i end up hating myself more. hopefully my brain will correct itself soon so i can actually do the right thing and just stop being so hopeless about everything, my friends deserve better than to worry about someone who could be doing better if they didnt have such a defective brain.

 

[Dejected 55]

Exhausted, confused, tired.

 

[Higurashi415]

Confused. My mood jumps from one extreme to the next. If meds actually worked I'd be the perfect subject. I'm not ready to completely give up, but nevertheless I can't seem to find a way forward. My feel isn't good enough, my playing isn't virtuosistic enough, I'm not creative enough, I'm not intelligent enough.

 

[thaelyana]

It's 1:23 at my place and I feel half-bad half-good!! I feel like I'm drowning, literally: body sensations etc, but at the same time that I calm down. It's funny :)

 

[SchizoGymnast]

Broke

 

[wham311]

I'm just trapped in the absolute worst life imaginable. I fucked myself up too much to be able to do sn which is my only realistic shot.

This is horrific.