Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[blueskied_anclear]

i am punished for not living up to the basic standards you need to live up to in order to exist as a functioning member of society in this world, as if i chose to exist, as if i ever insinuated i felt emotionally capable of living up to those standards, when i didn't and i do not

 

[Manaaja]

Half wish their good parents were alive, half wish their evil parents were dead.

Truly disgusting and pathetic, death coming based solely on what hurts their children most.

 

[Ariii]

I need a brain aneurysm now !!

 

[BlendedHeart]

I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to wake up every day anymore.

Every night before I sleep I say a prayer, to the void, because no one and nothing is listening, asking for a peaceful death that night, or to have the courage to end it all. I guess I'm doing it out of desperation, because I'm a coward and I'm not able to take that last step.

Wish the void answered, for once.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

...yeeaaaaah, I can't ever try to pretend that I'm a badass. The cartel execution videos were my limit. I also have a sneaking suspicion that I subconsciously want to expose myself to this kind of shit as a form of masochistic self-hatred/punishment/torment. Truly, I am lost. Gonna stick to just looking for suicide references or post-mortem.

 

[ma0]

Not me procrastinating on drafting my goodbye thread and suicide notes :D

 

[s00ngone]

I feel empty. Like if you slice me open, you'll find nothing there. Just black emptiness. I go through life mechanically, and it's like every emotion I feel is fake. Like they're really just at the surface. Beneath, there's nothing. It's weird. I know what to feel but I don't feel it.

I'm hurting and because of that, I end up hurting others. I don't want to cause pain anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I just want it all to end.

Empty. Going through the motions... an actor. A good one, I guess, because no one suspects I'm anything but the usual clumsy and lazy and maybe weird. Void of emotions, but also so full of guilt about my commitment to ctb in the face of my family's obliviousness. It's not for lack of caring. It's just... I couldn't possibly express what the fuck is wrong with me.

Getting tortillas at the local Mexi-mart and wanting to die. Going home to wash my hands, eat, and fuck around on YouTube for the night and wanting to die. Like a neutral flavor on my tongue or the static of entropy buzzing around me at all times.

 

[music]

Spoiler: eat disorder stuff (^:

any time i want to express that i am less than a healthy weight to anyone it feels like bragging. feels like i'm bragging. not to them, to me. "look at how far i've come with such little effort." "look how little i care about my physicality" naturally hitting others' 'ultimate goal weight(s)' without so much as a first thought, let alone a second one. i never talk about this part of myself because i think people will cast me as a horrendously toxic count every fucking crumb girlie like the ones i keep seeing come up from the cracks. i don't behave like that, i don't think like that, i don't do that. i have barely graced 50kg in my life and it makes me sick that i feel good about that

 

[Goodfornothingbish]

I hate that I am in the cycle of hurting people and not wanting help because I hurt people. I know I keep hurting them but I don't want help because I've hurt them. It's an insane cycle that I keep living with. But I know that help=happy and I don't deserve that. I never did. I never will and I regret ever believing it for those few years. Not because of the person that got me to believe it, but because I knew I should have never believed it to begin with. Now, have dwindled myself to nothing but waiting for the other shoe to drop or my eyes to stay shut. Because I don't deserve help and I can't face them for more than a second. And every time I do, I get even more paranoid and hermit like. Im stuck and I feel like the only way out is digging myself in deeper or hitting 6ft.

 

[footballseason]

Every single moment, I have to choose between sparing myself the pain of life by killing myself, and sparing my loved ones the pain of my death by not killing myself. I feel like I'm being crushed between the gears of a giant machine, as vast and powerful as existence itself. I'm in horrible pain and I just want it to end, but the gears turn very slowly. Pulling away from one gear only drives the teeth of the other gear deeper into me.

I know that one day these gears will complete a full rotation, and I'll be spit out on one side or another, but the time in between hurts so much. And while all of this has left me devastatingly alienated and alone, I'm reminded that I couldn't be less unique in my suffering; that this is happening to countless people at this very moment.

It's a big machine with more gears than we can comprehend, and I'm just another object between the teeth.

 

[soledad.virgen]

im so restless i miss her so much but there's nothing i can do about it and even though ive tried for half a fucking year already i cant replace her either i feel like my bpd is gonna ruin my ctb plans i just want to ctb right now

 

[CTB Dream]

rly awfl this brain injury damage alws sffr

 

[Goodfornothingbish]

Anxious. Every time I get a glimpse into reality. Whether it be a text, hearing footsteps, laughing, etc ... I can't help but think they are all watching me break and waiting for me to die. I feel like everyone that text me is to taunt me. Make me feel safe enough just long enough to be the one to break me. Everyone is fake. No one says what they mean. Im not human enough to decode the human language anymore. I miss it every time and then I get anxious that I missed it. But I see everyone else having normal conversations. I don't get it. I can't compute. What the fuck should I say? Nothing I've said so far was good enough. What will change this time? Im not human. I don't know what I am but I am not human.
I can't do the mind games anymore. The cameras everywhere. The perfect timing of me waking up amd them moving around. They waiting for play mind games with me if I go upstairs. I can't take it. I can't fucking take it. I don't want to play but I don't know how to escape. Its because we're not human. We aren't fucking human. We are Fucking worthless. Only made to be a toy for everyone. Punch bag, void, pillow, sock, joker. WE'RE NOTHING!! WE'RE NOTHING NOW BUT BROKEN!!!!! AND NO ONE WILL EVER BELIEVE YOU WHILE CLEARLY SEEING IT

 

[Spicy Tteokbokki]

Suicidal and wanna self harm and partially drunk. I wanna cry and I am stuck being in situations where I have no control no matter how much I keep trying. Doesn't help I am super sensitive to everything and it keeps wearing us the down so much.
And this plural thing is weird. I keep trying to not say "us" but at times it just switches to us. Annoying, but cannot be bothered filtering it out rn.
Now that our psych has access to our past journals she'll likely just give up on us like everyone else, but we'll see in two days I suppose.

 

[astonishedturnip]

Amused, honestly.

After a long and unexpected crying meltdown jag earlier today (which my OCD villainously made worse by encouraging me to doom-scroll and make my depression/anxiety worse, instead of going into the toolkit to find a healthy way to break the cycle), worrying about the well-being of my old man, I asked him for a kiss goodnight before he went to bed as I sit here on my laptop.

He happily obliged... and I didn't realize until after he'd walked away that I have SaSu PULLED RIGHT UP, PROUDLY OUT THERE, even zoomed the FUCK in because I have a headache and my eyes are tired. Wow, that would have been an awkward self-report. I'm guessing he didn't notice because he knows I've had suicidal thoughts and they freaked him out, so he wouldn't have been chill, so I'm cracking up that I was thisclose to getting caught just because I didn't change the page.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

May be cheating because I thought of it before typing it here, but I did wrote it without thinking much so I'd say it counts. If you think it's bad, I'll blame it on my own rushed translation.

Zopiclone Kisses
​

We surely think very different things every morning,
you and I.
You walk selfish on greener grass,
I curse having again to open my eyes.

Your kisses at night are now for an idiot.
My lips no longer feel others that recognize me
and make sense of so much cold, pain, effort,
they only brush compressed white powder.

You no longer sleep by my side, back to back,
making nights feel beautiful
and life feel safe.

I sleep whenever a sedative says so
I sleep with a pound of poison under the mattress
on which we used to rest together in love.

Hopeful kisses in my memories,
Zopiclone kisses for me tonight.

 

[CoffeeAndNihilism]

I feel tired of trying to understand my loneliness. I feel tired of caring about anything. I'm not sure what to do anymore.

May be cheating because I thought of it before typing it here, but I did wrote it without thinking much so I'd say it counts. If you think it's bad, I'll blame it on my own rushed translation.

Zopiclone Kisses
​

We surely think very different things every morning,
you and I.
You walk selfish on greener grass,
I curse having again to open my eyes.

Your kisses at night are now for an idiot.
My lips no longer feel others that recognize me
and make sense of so much cold, pain, effort,
they only brush compressed white powder.

You no longer sleep by my side, back to back,
making nights feel beautiful
and life feel safe.

I sleep whenever a sedative says so
I sleep with a pound of poison under the mattress
on which we used to rest together in love.

Hopeful kisses in my memories,
Zopiclone kisses for me tonight.

I think it's a beautiful poem, you have wonderful talent.

 

[Manaaja]

I'm still extremely grumpy.

Not in a talking mood.

Whenever I sit in front of the computer, I start to feel hot, and soon I feel like fainting and my brain stops working. Stupid spring, stupid sun. It's like I can only access this website during winter.

 

[sukiduki]

not even 24 hours back home and i can't have any peace.

i just wanna be left alone without anyone turning it back on me.

why is that too much to ask for.

i can't have any quiet.

i wanna cry in peace.

 

[delta2]

Very pathetic and unworthy

 

[Manaaja]

My extremely violent, psychopathic and manipulative dad frightens me to death, I fear I'll never feel safe until he is gone

I'm so fucking scared. He won't go fully deaf, he won't die. What's with this world and its obsession with older people tormenting younger people?

 

[Michi_Violeta]

Please let me go, please let me go, please let me go, please let me go.

Make her come back, God, please, make it right or just let me go. I have good memories, I lived a good life, I did my best. I truly did, but I can't live with this scar on my heart. I thought for years it'd get better, I truly did, and you know and you saw me crying and begging, you saw me on that bridge, but you knew I couldn't do it because I'd made a promise to my mother and because I thought something better could still come. And it did. And it was beautiful. And then she left. And then everything started crumbling as well.

I deserved better. A better her, a better master's, a better life. Please, God, you didn't give me that, but at least give me and my loved ones a dignified way out. Let me have something on my own terms for a change.

 

[steveholt]

How isit that, no matter how hard i try .. the choices i make even when its the clear and right choice, does it always being the wrong one and it comes back to bite ... im tired of doing the right thing for the wrong resaon maybe its time i should just do the wrong thing for the right and reason.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

I miss you so much. I don't want to forget you even if my mind subconsciously tries to, but I don't want to hurt myself either by looking at our pictures all the time or looking at your social media or...talking to you. I'm scared, michi, we said we'd be there for each other. You said you'd love me forever. I don't want anyone else, I want you, a better you, and I can still offer you a better me if only I had hope to keep going. But I don't right now, because you left me, and because of how you left me. And life feels so fucking unfair and it all feels hopeless and I'm supposed to be in class right now, but I just can't focus, and I had to shut my camera off, and I'm crying and...

Please, michi, come back. I love you. I will love you forever.

 

[Halfhourdays]

I am going to have a one man dance party to European electroclash. I'm going to dance around the house. Roommates can just deal with it.

 

[FoxSauce]

Anxious
about what ?

Idk

 

[hhtroc]

deformed and panicky, like a trapped animal that has somehow managed to not fall into the trap for 20 years by doing weird dance moves and is now getting sore muscles.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE MY HEAD SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I'LL SHUT IT FUCKING DOWN WITH A LOAD OF FUCKING SN AND ZOPICLONE UNTIL IT'S OUT OF OXYGEN

I DON'T WANT TO FORGET HER I DON'T WANT TO MOVE ON I DON'T WANT TO FEEL OKAY AGAIN BECAUSE I'VE BEEN THERE AND IT'S ONLY A CHANCE FOR FUCKING LIFE TO HURT ME AGAIN

EITHER MY FUCKING BRAIN SHUTS UP AND LETS ME FEEL AND REMEMBER THE FUCK I WANT TO FEEL AND REMEMBER OR IM GONNA FUCKING END IT~! FUCK TIME, FUCK LIFE, FUCK THE PROCESS, FUCK, HEALING, THIS NEVER SHOULD'VE HAPPENED TO ME

 

[Halfhourdays]

"A jug fills drop by drop."

Every moment of the present keeps accumulating, drop by drop, into the past, and the past keeps haunting me, drop by drop.

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."

I love myself, I love myself, I love myself.

"Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace."

I wish I knew the right words to move beyond empty platitudes and being polite. I wish I knew how to have an effect on someone.

 

[lialnhell]

i feel scared. i found my bus ticket but now i constantly think about my parents having a heart attack after finding me .what if my mom finds me and has a heart attack??