Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[sklvlp999]

like a failure, done

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

As I get closer to breaking through the incel ceiling, I find myself with more self-doubt and worrying thoughts that I've not had in years. I forgot how exhilarating yet ultimately detrimental it feels to feel infatuation over someone because I've been trying to keep it at bay for so long. I was able to give someone (a girl from my work who seems pretty and nice and at least somewhat interested in me maybe only as a friend idk) I'm interested in an offer to exchange info on Discord. Amazingly, she accepted which seemed like a good sign at first and I celebrated with a pop off victory alone but now that I got it I realized I have no idea what to do with it? How the fuck do people start a conversation these days? They don't teach any of this in university or on educational tv shows. I tried to send an off handed message asking what games she plays but she still hasn't responded probably because I sent it over 24 hours later right before midnight but idk. I wish I could just know what to do. I think if this goes badly it really will be over for me this time. I even thought of asking Chat-GPT for help but decided against it. I wish I was not such a stupid overthinking idiot I just think it was easier when I knew I was an incel. Who the hell am I kidding trying to think I could escape who I really am? Any interest this woman might have in me is probably either misinformed because she doesn't know the real me, or completely imagined on my part. Probably some last-ditch psychotic delusion generated by a mind that's gone almost thirty years without a single shred of romantic intimacy since its conception. Please I just wanna know the right thing to say, or I just wanna know how she really feels about me but I don't know how to ask for it without sounding like the creep I am. Since this is a girl from work it's gonna be extra dangerous because I could lose my job if it gets really bad and I actually like it so far. I'm probably overthinking things as usual but I just don't think I can afford not to. The rest of my life could be riding on this and rather than just end it I actually kind of want to live if I knew she'd want me around oh god listen to me I'm becoming a simp for someone I barely know and for someone who'd probably leave me as soon as she knew the real me. That's what they all do. That's what they did before. That's what I should have realized before I had the stupid idea of starting in the first place. I curse my awful survival instincts and breeding instincts. This sick twisted virus known as DNA just wants to cause more suffering in the world and we just can't stop it. I'm gonna try to sleep and hopefully tomorrow will be better but if it's not, I hope my SN still works. I bought it like three years ago and haven't opened it once. If I die I really hope she ends up being glad I died and prevented causing her some type of trauma for having the displeasure of knowing me. God, sometimes I hate my stupid friends for not wanting me dead. Can't those idiots see that I am not a good person? Why can't they see I've just been manipulating them all along into liking me without even trying because that's just the kind of evil person I am? I can't even message a girl I like without feeling great fear and anguish and a tendency to burst into walls of text. What if she DOES like me and I took to long to respond or my response isn't adequate enough? What if I'm too acting too slow and get cucked just like last time I liked a girl from my work??? That last time was eight years ago and I still don't think the heartbreak from that has fully healed. I truly see it as the singlemost traumatic thing to happen to me and I've been physically and mentally abused by my own father numerous times when he punished me for having bad grades. None of that shit hurts as much as the cuckening. That itty bit of heartbreak sliced me apart and made me swear revenge on all who share that man's faction. I became a monster, a bigot. And for what? A girl choosing him over me even though she later told me she would have chose me if I wasn't so slow? What am I supposed to do with that? Why am I such a loser? I just want to die so all these awful emotions can end. I'll say it again but I hate being told I have to sit with these emotions because they inevitably lead me to say and do such inflammatory things that end up giving me later trouble anyway. I don't deserve happiness. I don't deserve love. I deserve to die, I deserve to leave everyone else alone so their lives can be better without me in it. Every little bitch who's going to cry about my death doesn't realize just how stupid they are for caring about such a soulless bastard like me. I don't know how to end this rant. Much like I don't know how I'm supposed to end my life. I was supposed to kill myself in 2022. It was so perfect and yet God or gods or whatever other entity exists seems to have had other plans for me. The heartless demon killed my maternal grandfather and caused him to die of old age that year. He must have known I would have thought it way too rude to actually make 2022 the very year that my mother would have to lose both her father and her son in the same year. My mother is the only one whose reaction to my death would truly pain me even though I know it must be done. She's suffered so much at the hands of my father and even though she's battered and constantly frustrating me with her brain fog moments I can't bring myself to have killed myself in that same year that her father died knowing she took it pretty hard too. I wish it had been my father instead. He doesn't have much to give me since he was an idiot who thinks owning a house is stupid but any bit of money I could have taken from him would have been great enough. Man listen to me describe my fucked up parents. I wish I had never been born but I know that I was always going to be born no matter what because my parents actually wanted me. Both of them wanted their first kid to be a son and that's exactly what they got. I know I should be lucky my parents actually planned for my birth and wanted me to be born but I still think it was all for nothing.

Maybe this is all just more attempts from my future unborn children to undo their own existences by fucking with my love life. Gotta admit, I admire their persistence. I know that it must keep happening every time. Every new female I've flopped with must have been another, different future child come back to undo their own existence because I'm inevitably going to be just as shitty a parent as my own dad. When one child gets unborn another one takes their place because I'm too evil to want a vasectomy or anything like that and as long as I am alive, the risk keeps increasing. I really should just be killing myself already for their own good but I just can't do it right now. I'm not ready. I don't have all my materials prepared and my protocols are nowhere near begun. I had to drop all my plans in 2022 and I spent 2023 just avoiding them like the shitty procrastinating cuck I always have been. I'm not undefeatable. I couldn't break through it all. I'll never find my flame. I'm here and I'm suffering. I'll never want to face my fears. I am so sorry, kid or kids of mine. I really wanted to help you. I'm calling on one of you to be the ones to actually kill me. Please. Just kill your father as I never could. I am just not strong enough to do it myself.

 

[Kimlett]

I feel sad, discouraged, afraid, cold. Everything is kind of ok, my problems can be seen as solvable little things but I feel overwhelmed by all problems that await me in the future. I'm weak, I'm too sensitive, life is too much for me. Everything hurts. I have a good life, but it will never be enough, right, shitty brain of mine?

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I tried to ctb yesterday and I failed. I feel miserable.

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

It's my birthday today and there's nothing to celebrate. This year was the worst year of my entire life.

 

[bobblong]

Boredom , and also ashamed for failing college

 

[Widdershins]

I tried practicing partial hanging yesterday. As far as I'm aware, everything was set up fine. I started applying pressure and after a certain point I panicked intensely and had to stop. I feel horrible.

 

[ThymeToLeave]

Like day old french fried shit. Barely sleeping for a couple days including none last night. Anxiety/acid reflux/complications from a sleeping med that just made me more anxious.

 

[Kit1]

Finished therapy today (for good) - it kept me alive and I was trying to live for my children. Now I know that my days are numbered - abandoned, suicidal and cannot be bothered to fight to stay alive anymore. I don't even know why I though I would succeed in staying alive. I guess at least I know that I can stop struggling to live and die peacefully. I tried - really tried hard.

 

[Krobo]

Finished selling the bigger stuff off. That would make $10K to be handed down to family. That would signal time to resume my preparations.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

I think my life is unsustainable without welfare or benefits. I'm too incompetent to do any job because of my proneness to pressure, my fried brain with cocktails of meds, and total lack of willpower. It's just a matter of time before I lose my job.

I'm like a pair of scissors made of wood - it's basically a young kids' toy, otherwise it's totally useless. How can I beat scissors of steel, which are abundant and considered to be "normal"? I might be better at sympathizing lol.

I know my plight is my own fault,
So I think I need the sacred salt.
I'm useless, whether I'm free or a slave -
I'm only suitable for the grave!

 

[deadeyesnowman]

Still empty. What's the point of honing my own talents when a machine or a robot is going to do better in an instant anyways.

 

[ihatemyparents]

There is no justice in this world. Just wanna be out of this silly stupid game of life

 

[CTB Dream]

Rly no point stay all get dtriort lose slf lose all, wat get no have this all nonsns all temp nonsns ,stay vege potat die wat resn me sffr this injury damage no even able live etc

 

[0000000000000]

Extremely done with this life.

Is it really fair when most things are most likely the result of factors that we have very little control over?

*sigh*, i wish i could enjoy moments with someone, enjoy each other's company while we explore a magical world. Being greeted with sincere smiles and hugs upon entering the house by my family.

*sigh*, i can't stop dreaming, it's my way to cope with this life, sorry if i'm being too self-absorbed.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I keep on having the urge to find somewhere to try and post explicit photos and videos of myself in order to gain attention. I don't know why but I constantly find myself wanting to feel desired, sometimes to the point of not even minding the idea of it potentially harming me.

It doesn't help that I keep on feeling as though the man that I've grown to have feelings for is getting tired of me. He hasn't been messaging me as much lately and while I know that part of it is probably because he may still be tired from having been in the hospital, I keep on getting paranoid that he's loss interest in me. It doesn't help that I sent him a suicide note that I think he may have misinterpeted, but he didn't seem offended. I sent him some videos and he seemed happy with them but what if he's lying. A part of me misses when he used to make weird sexual comments about how just seeing my face alone was enough to arouse him. They made me uncomfortable but at least they confirmed that he was into me. I want to message him but I'm too scared that it will make me come off as clingy.

I wish I could get drunk again but I can't because now my body seems to reject alcohol. I tried drinking some vodka last week, before my first ctb attempt that week, and I couldn't even keep down three shots of vodka before having an intense wave of nausea hit me. I ended up vomiting it all up. I can't even use alcohol wipes to clean my blades without the smell causing me to feel sick. I really hope this is all temporary.

I want to kill myself but I can't attempt now due to my mom being home and me being on my period. I feel miserable. I wish I was never born.

 

[beelzebul]

Annoyed. Finding out a friend of mine (1 of 2) isn't as understanding as I thought.

 

[pilotviolin]

plain. tired. confused. waiting. lazy. like a dormant volcano.

 

[Necessary Evil]

I hate this world and the world hates me back. No one will ever understand this. No one ever will. It was always like this; always. Ever since I was a little girl... I was created to suffer, to die, to feel this way.... And I hate it. I hate being me. I hate existing. I hate being someone. I hate having a body, a face. I hate knowing that people think about me and can have opinions. My fondest wish is to cease to exist in this fucking disgusting world. I want to leave it all behind...I want to fly far, far away...I feel so stupid all the time.....

 

[Kit1]

I have managed to get a whole load of paracetamol, tramadol, sevredol and more morphine on the way. I think I am finished now. I am trying to stay alive for my children, bit having signed off therapy last Thursday is my last line of defence gone. I don't care if my death is painless or painful. All I care about now is that my children will have the strength to cope with the loss if their mother. I will still try and hang on for them

 

[Pl4gu3]

I'm exhausted. Nothing is getting better, it's been almost 3 years since this all started and all its just gotten worse. Nothing helps. I don't want to be here anymore, I'm so tired of everything and everyone, I just want to go to sleep forever. Sleep has been my only escape, and my insomnia just got bad again so I can't even rely on sleep. I'm so tired, and I'm so sorry for everyone who has to put up with me.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Anger, exhaustion, done. I hate life. If I don't CTB, work will be the death of me. Confusion. Brainfog.
If my parents weren't alive I wouldn't be either. I'm less and less afraid of death.
I could go to bed right now but it's too early. Probably wake up and not be able to get back to sleep.

 

[hail]

tired

 

[0000000000000]

Most of my interactions with other people have been indifference, abuse, mistreatment, violence, being excluded. I don't think I've ever felt genuine happiness. I don't feel a connection with anyone. I'm very tired of this.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I promised myself today that if things don't go well with that girl from work today then I'll commence my CTB plans for sure. Luckily, I got my wish. When she left her shift she made it a point to say goodbye to the guy sitting next to me and not me. I think I definitely offended her somehow and I thank her for giving me the kick in the pants I needed to finally get off my ass and CTB. What was I thinking deluding myself into believing that I actually could be worthy of love? I should have never initiated. I don't know for sure but it's highly likely I misinterpreted her interest in me or if I didn't, then I still fumbled somehow with her anyway maybe by not having enough initiative. This latter scenario is worse because it means my lack of experience ultimately did me dirty again. How the fuck does asking someone out even work? They don't teach this shit in college or on Sesame Street and I really wish they had.

And you know what, fuck Godzilla Minus One. I know I praised that movie as the best one of 2023 but now I'm glad it's only nominated for one Oscar. I hate that this movie gave me false hope last month in wanting to live. I'm nothing like the main character of the story, I'm more like Godzilla himself except not as cool. I'm just a force for evil and destruction that needs to be stopped lest I ruin others' lives further.

But yeah, CTB plans. Even if I really get my ass in gear and stick to my guns unfortunately I still won't be ready in at least like two and a half months. I suppose that's enough time for them to get derailed by more false hope moments but if the powers that be we're gonna do something to stop my CTB they should have done it by now. Yeah I know you might be watching me but I'm calling your bluff this time. You want me to not die? Then drop me a girlfriend bruh. You won't? Good. Enjoy my death. I really hope you do.

 

[inferiorpisspot234]

Tired and ready to ctb rn

 

[Unhumanly.]

I'm coming back again , to say I still like scarring myself, biting myself and scratching, now it's taking half of my life, almost my daily basis is just me staring a blank white wall while I bite and scratch myself, I have nothing to hold me back anyway, I have no job to do now, and even though scarring myself is a repetitive pattern now I'm reaching breaking points, and that's what I'm coming back for

 

[Kit1]

Tomorrow is the second year death anniversary of one of the abusers/paedophile. I am going ro Tey and go to sleep and hope not to wake up. The way I am going, I wouldn't last anyway.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

At work, I can't do anything right.
I think I've lost this fight.
And my pen has lost all might -
Now there's no hope in my sight...

 

[Memento]

I feel a multitude of emotions; my mind is racing, thinking and worrying about tomorrow, but I just gotta take it one day at a time - and I'll get through it.