Empty. Not really depressed, but just empty. You'd think, with my exams nearly done, and the fact I have another BF, I'd be happy, but no. It's just so tiring. Everything. I feel like a complete failure. I stopped using this site because I wanted to recover, but, looking back on my old messages from a year ago, nothing has changed. I've made no real advances. I've done some exams, read some books, and started learning Russian, but everything else is static, unchanging. Fuck me. Nothing changes. Why even bother going on? I can't make friends, people piss me off, and humanity is a cancer in every possible way. They're insufferable cunts not worthy of the air they breathe, and they are ruining the planet. Not only that, but they can't leave me the fuck alone, no matter how much I tell them I want to be left alone, to do what I want, unmolested.
I'm a complete failure, honestly. I have no talents, I'm bad at everything I try, I'm deeply unlikeable, and seem to be frozen in time. Everyone is better than me. Always have been. Always will.
I want it to stop, but I just can't make myself do it. It's a hell on earth. Not bad enough to die, not good enough to live.
"Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom
Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow
Life is very long
Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom"
-- T.S. Eliot, The Hollow Men