Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Promised Heaven]

I woke up in the middle of the night with emotional overwhelm. It kinda started before I fell asleep but I thought I could sleep it off. Three hours later of shaking, headaches, intrusive thoughts, and irrational fears I finally slept again, pretending once again to be comforted, while slowing down my breathing, and mostly okay.

This was one of the harder nights, but I'm here. I'm trying my best. I feel embarrassed saying my way of calming down is to pretend a fictional female character (who, ironically, I don't actually have any attachment or liking to outside of this situation) is comforting me. I know that whatever works, works. But, I feel really awkward about it. I'm a grown woman whose so broken down to the point I need to go to the depths of my own imagination just to not seriously consider CTB outside fantasizing my death over and over as stress relief. God I'm pathetic.

 

[BringShameToFamily]

Overwhelming sadness and self pity

Self pity is better than self hate, right?

I want to die for a good cause, to atone for my actions.

 

[trashprincess]

I want to bake cookies but it's so hard to do anything right now

 

[RIPPrincess]

Miserable and full or mourning.

 

[dogbreath]

I'm drowning!!! I'm doing my best to reach out for help but nothings working I don't want to drown!!!!

 

[Meteora]

Very devastated and hopeless

 

[greebo6]

Very ugly and equally hopeless and despairing.

 

[trashprincess]

I want to bake cookies but it's so hard to do anything right now

Update! I made the cookies! Now I'm gonna ride my bicycle!!!

 

[EvisceratedJester]

You know, I usually come on this thread to vent about my negative feelings, but I feel really good right now. Down right euphoric even. I feel better than I have in a long time. Probably because I decided to do some shrooms, but also because I feel like I am able to see things a bit more clearly right now.

I'm a very miserable person, but I want to work on that. Whenever wider society tries to better others it's always in this way that feels fake and insincere. It can make you feel stuck. I feel like I am able to actually be honest with myself and my own faults now that I've come to realize that I need to ignore how wider society tells me how I should feel and how I should improve. I want to try thinking differently from how they are telling me to think. I'm fine with thinking in a way that might be unconventional if it means that I might be able to find some sense of peace with myself. I think that for a long time I have tried to compare myself with how I think others and wider society want me to be. I sort of fetishized the aspects of me that made it so that I always felt sort of out of place. I tried to deny my weirdness. I'm done with that.

I want to be happy so I need to slowly teach myself to let go of these things and even be a bit selfish and only think about what I want and need for once. I've spent so much time trying to make things better for others. It's led to me feeling like a burden. I lash out because I'm hurt and I don't know what to do. There were times where my family deeply hurt me in ways that I don't think I can ever forgive them for. I've tried to deny my pain. I've spent so long comparing my experiences to those who've had it worse and thinking to myself that I don't deserve to feel this way. I'm allowed to feel this way though. I'm allowed to feel unhappy with my past experiences, even if others tell me otherwise.

I finally want to do better. I'm still probably going to kill myself, but when that day comes I want to be at peace with myself. I want to be happy. I think I still have a long way to go but I want sober me to be like this me. I want sober me to feel like how I feel right now, think like I think right now, see the world like how I see the world right now. I want to feel good when I die so I'm going to work towards that.

I don't regret the bad experiences I had while first tripping. I'm thankful for it. I'm really thankful for it. I'm thankful for them leading me here, to this moment.

 

[trashprincess]

Update! I made the cookies! Now I'm gonna ride my bicycle!!!

Second Update!! I ates too many cookies

 

[Salvation_]

I feel horrible. The job market is so depressing. Should've gotten an internship they said; well, I was too busy trying not to commit suicide. I ordered something to hide my SN stash because I have to move it with my things, so I need to hide it somewhere. I don't know. I can't deal with myself, that's the biggest issue.


Anyone get paranoid that they're not even living in reality anymore? Sometimes I think I already died and I'm stuck in a simulation my head came up with.


Edit: I'm gonna go home to see if I'll fare better there. I'm clearly not in a sane type of mindset right now.

 

[Kit1]

I have a severe headache - non stop for the past 14+ hours. I want to die. I want to cry - yet I am laughing and talking to ensure that everyone else is okay and don't realise that I am struggling. I feel so sick on so many ways. The flashbacks have been pretty bad today. Wish I had someone to speak to who wouldn't judge me or make demands on me. Death can the only solution.

 

[Unhumanly.]

I hate that I don't want to go outside but doesn't mean that I won't go outside
I put my effort and energy to get myself there, all by my own, I wish there's a part of the reason I go outside that come from anyone else because that show how the world want to involve me, I know there's something to be proud about when I made all the effort all on my own but it's depressing

 

[LetMeBeSad]

I am dreading work because I am very tired. I finally walked away from my wife and moved in with a friend. But I don't have the first clue how I am going to afford to live. I am feeling like it will soon be time to catch that bus!

 

[Final_Choice]

I don't want to work anymore or pull anymore all-nighters, I want to sleep for a whole day straight. I'm too tired to feel anything else, I don't know if that's good or bad.

 

[trashprincess]

Every time I sober up I'm reminded of how hopeless life is. And now it's happening about every other day and I literally can't take it. Make it stop

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Being outdoors is overrated !!!
I long for the few years of happiness I had that will never come back.
Nothing left but pain and misery.
I HATE life !!!

 

[whiteclaudia]

guilty. i moved back home earlier this month after getting out of a toxic relationship - haven't found a job yet, haven't worked on finding a tenant for me and my ex's lease, haven't done anything but unpack and sleep basically. one of the catalysts for me leaving in the first place was my mom's boyfriend telling me i'll never do anything worthwhile with my life. i feel like i'm proving him right. the fact that my mom is still with him when she knows he said that is soul crushing. i might've gotten something done this past month if i wasn't sleeping so much to avoid them.

so, mostly guilty. also a little pissed off and a lot hopeless. like the walls are closing in and there's no point in screaming.

 

[Ambivalent1]

Bored. Modern entertainment is disappointing. Lonely. No new people to meet in the "decade of loneliness." I don't mean the 2020s.

 

[trashprincess]

Literal catastrophe a few miles from my house. Feel really bad for everyone effected by it, and everyone that will be effected by the aftermath.

 

[Kit1]

Pain. Exhaustion.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I feel pretty proud of myself right now. It's for something really small, but I'm proud that I did it. I feel like I'm finally learning to let go of my normative thinking patterns. I'm finally able to look at things differently.

 

[trashprincess]

Went beast mode on the bicycle

Now I collapse in blissful sleep

 

[Promised Heaven]

To the girl I saw once and never again in high school bathroom at 07:00 in 2017, I'm sorry for asking for your makeup to cover my open SH wounds and absolutely ruining your makeup in the process because I never used makeup and abused yours like it was petroleum jelly. It didn't even help, it stung like hell and I washed it all off.

It's still bothering me. I was a stranger and you gave me kindness and I ruined it. I never saw your reaction or your face since and I hope you're not as bothered as I am now.

I'm so sorry for messing up your makeup. I really hope you're doing okay now.

 

[heavyeyes]

Lost, tired, scared

 

[sukiduki]

i just feel ready to be free of it all. i wanna be free of the physical plane. i don't wanna think, i don't wanna be, i don't wanna anything.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Even when I'm nearly halfway across the world, I still find myself getting immediately saddened by seeing her online and knowing I haven't the guts to approach her in the slightest. I wonder if she's feeling relieved that I'm no longer at work to terrorize her for the next few days? I also wonder what it will be like when I come back?

 

[Unhumanly.]

If everything is made for everyone in this world, but for me to be left only with the leftover, how hollow my life is

 

[inferiorpisspot234]

I've finally gotten down how to keep myself from spirling while talking shrooms.

Do shrooms help with suicidality?

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Do shrooms help with suicidality?

I still plan on taking my own life. It's just that my perspective on it has changed. Before I wanted to because I hated myself and felt like a burden. I've felt misersble and depressed for most of my life. Shrooms have helped me change my perspective on things and fix my mindset. Now, when I do get to that point where I'm ready to take my own life, I want to feel at peace with myself. I want to be happy and I feel like I'm at a place where I can finally take the steps to do so.

They can help with suicidality though. I have heard of cases of people discussing how psilocybe helped them with their suicidality. If you ever consider trying them and I'd advise to be careful. The first time I tripped on them I was complete mess. I think I even ended up making a thread on here where I was I constantly switching between happiness and despair. The second time was also a mess, but not nearly as bad. It wasn't until the third trip where I was able to finally get the hang of keeping myself in a good headspace and I was able to actually take the time reflect on myself and my own feelings. Since then, my trips have only been improving in quality and I've been getting more and more out of them.

You could probably get similar results from meditation, but it'll longer.