Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[LoiteringClouds]

Today I made several posts on this forum but I accidentally posted incomplete sentences and edited them several hours later.
I feel like damaged goods which is beyond repair and waiting to be thrown away.

 

[todiefor]

Exhausted, scared, dread, I also feel like trash ready to be taken out at any moment

 

[FormerlyFe(IV)]

So uh, I'm good at nothing huh

I managed to acquire my musical tastes in a way that I can't really connect with anybody
I don't know the fundamental pop/rock songs that everyone knows. I don't know the fundamental metal songs that metalheads know.
At a karaoke it's either other people singing or me with few exceptions

I thought I was cool in my friend group
I thought I was at least fun and sensible
Because I have little interests in common
Because I don't consume the exact same media as them
But I'm annoying.
But my energy and excitement isn't fun
I don't know my place
I don't know when it's my turn to speak, so apparently I'm annoying and focus the conversation on me without knowing
Caught like a deer in the headlights

I'm just an amorphous blob of a human being
I don't read books so I have no idea on what people are saying
I don't watch movies often, nor did I watch the "right" movies when I was a kid
I don't watch long TV series or anime enough
I don't play all the hot videogames. I don't play all the niche videogames
I don't listen to enough new music. I don't pay attention enough to all the music I listen to

I try to be unique
I try to embrace a bit of the "wild side"
Because guess what people on the spectrum tend to be unconventional with appearances apparently
And I always hated my hair short and fell into the stereotype unconsciously
I wear rock pendants
And rock long hair
And my comfy large tees, and getting into short sleeve shirts
And shorts with fun geometric patterns
And I can be happy when I look in the mirror, sometimes
But every recording of my self, in natura, shows my true colors
I'm just buttfuck ugly
I don't know how the fuck do people tolerate my presence oh my god

I was fired from my last two jobs
I don't keep up with all the new tech that keeps popping up
Or learn all the ins and outs of software engineering that I'm magically supposed to know
I learn a lot on the job, and am good at that, but with no job
And who wants to hire an annoying asshole anyways
Unaware of my shortcomings

I don't have a mirror following me at all times
I can't tell when I'm being appropriate or not
It isn't programmed in me
I can't tell when I'm making an angry scary face
Or that weird smile that I apparently do when provoking
Or when I walk weird, thanks mom and dad
But at least you told me not to rock my full body
Now I'm fixed and we never talk about this again

I can't graduate this stupid course
I'm tired of university
I'm no engineer
I forgot all the Calculus I learned in 2015, what did you expect
I can't focus on this shit
And spend my days at work, nights at college, eat sleep repeat
I want to live, and to love, and to love myself
But instead I choose to slave away and kill myself inside
For a degree just so that I can write in a Word document,
"Yeah, I graduated, trust me"
And never think about it again.

I'm not made for this world
This world is not made for me

I'm not made for this world
So what if I play only a few videogames
Oh wait, they are more like a chore than fun
So what if I only listen to music my way
Oh wait, I stopped enjoying music again
I'm just broken huh

The woman I love, can't love
The woman I avoid, likes me
None of the right pairings above
The gun and the bullet are for me.

 

[KitIsAHotMess]

Right now, surprisingly not terrible considering my normal. Got a new job tomorrow which kinda sucks, but it'll get me out of the house. I also forgot my meds, so maybe my anxiety is blocking out the numbness.

I did have a nightmare last night though which sucked, it was pretty horrible, and I had all these hypnogogic hallucinations of people screaming while i was falling asleep so I'm definitely not feeling my best

 

[KrowaKovsky]

I'm tired of feeling like my time and energy isn't respected. When I clean the kitchen it feels the second I leave it everything gets immediately dirtier and things aren't put back to where they should be. I understand that when things are prepped or cooked, they make things dirty or add to dirty dishes, but it's the fact that no effort is made by anyone else that just makes me want to cry and have the ground open up and swallow me. I just can't stand it, it makes me not want to cook which sucks because I love to cook, even if it can be a bit overwhelming at times. It's one of my only hobbies (if you could consider it that) that feels productive. The kitchen is just an example but it goes with the rest of the apartment too, it just makes me very frustrated.

 

[Old snake]

Empty, Almost like a void and I hope that maybe talking to my friends will make me feel even a little bit better.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

drunk, relaxed, not motivated, same like yesterday.

 

[outatime_85]

I learned early on that I shouldn't have feelings or needs.

So, I have lived the entirety of my life keeping my feelings stowed away.

I am only here to take care of others needs, and if I don't, there are consequences.

I am not valued as a person only for what I can do for people and my family.

I do everything for everyone else, and if I say no, it comes with a heavy dose of guilt.

Overextended does not begin to describe it; I feel like Plastic Man.

I understand that no one will want me or love me if I do anything to displease them, but I know no one wants me or loves me even when I do good.

I have come to understand that love and respect are conditional, be they from family or a stranger, and that I will never be good enough to earn anyone's love or respect.

How long can one live this way, sucking it up because one is expected to be the human version of a T-800 and is not allowed to feel or be emotional?

Sorry for the rambling, incoherent post.

 

[lonegore]

Sick of myself. Disgusted, crestfallen, empty. My existence is in short - pointless. I am a nobody, I am not contributing to anything in this world. I feel worthless and wrong. I do not belong anywhere. Wish I could off myself. There is a couple of things preventing me from taking action though.

 

[pole]

unlovable.

 

[todiefor]

Betrayed by my loved ones, love for my loved ones, worry about my loved ones welfare, failing my loved ones, betrayal by the world and all its promises, broken and no desire to be repaired. I want to scream at all the injustices. I wish I did not live the last year of my life.

Trying to find peace and acceptance. Knowing that as a woman in their late 30s, there's probably nothing but down hill from here anyway lol, society is not kind to us.

 

[Spidsnoegenhat2]

I'm in love. And hopeless And can't do anything about it, unless I hit the jackpot, to fix my life. If I don't win I have to suicide this year I think

 

[Professor K]

just living peacefully... waking up every day working eating sleeping repeating,
knowing that i will always have suicide as an easy option/way out of any insignificant problem i may get anytime.
so i'm happily living everyday as if it's the last, putting a fake optimistic fun mask on in front of children, friends and family,
then log on SS to finally be my true self and confess everything i would usually hide to people irl.
thinking every year that -this year is the year and that im going to ctb-,
only to have things to look forward to do, some games to finish, meeting an opportunity,
anything that keeps me going. the stupidest one being that i refuse to die without having had a girlfriend, kissing her (and more hopefully) once in my life,
and nah im not an old creepy incel, just a young lesbian who needs to socialize more, perhaps. yeah thats all ig

 

[cgrtt.brns]

felt relatively peaceful while i was outside having a smoke, as soon as i went back in i crashed back down. i hate living. i just want peace.

 

[outatime_85]

I am a genetic failure, an organism that should have never been conceived.

 

[S like suicide]

I am in a very dark mental space right now and i feel really bad.

 

[tramaj]

emptyness, loneliness, hopeless

 

[vitbar]

Alone hiding away on my day off. Ordered food I can't really afford. Restless but unable to get into anything.

 

[Zegers]

I've gone out with a friend, now my friend is in a room with a girl and I'm here posting this, i feel pathetic, it's not just for this but i don't see any point at all.

 

[CrestfallenMima]

I feel lonely and lost

 

[CTB Dream]

no know wat hpn all chng life etc v awfl me lose all no have slf no have any

 

[todiefor]

I woke up this morning wanting to be dead more than ever, I just felt so alone so hopeless so lost. I then had to interact with people for the first time in a month. They gave me a standing ovation and hugs, which was just so sweet and encouraging and supportive, they are such good people I'm so glad I got to meet and work with them. They have no idea at all what's going on in my life, why I completely disappeared in the last month, and they don't have any idea how much they have saved me and made my life tolerable this year. I feel guilty that I can't tell them, I feel so angry that I had lost this life that I once enjoyed, I feel so sad that I have to leave them and leave this life. I started to feel really distressed half way through the day and had to leave, probably because I had to go home to speak to some lawyers. The maintenance guy saw me and called out enthusiastically, saying that he hasn't seen me leave the house for a month, is everything ok? I fake laughed and said it's been too hot and I liked the air conditioning in the apartment. I appreciate that he noticed. I've been wondering whether I should leave him some money because he will probably definitely have to see my dead body when I ctb. I'm sitting home now just crying. I feel so alone and distressed and desperately want these feelings to stop and my life to end.

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

my life is absolutely pointless and im doomed into eternal suffering because of the way that i am

 

[FormerlyFe(IV)]

Is taking a bajillion loans I can't ever pay off a crime?

Oh shit I'm fucked regardless.

 

[CTB Dream]

Not want talk human all awfl all no care v awfl species

 

[figure8]

Fell asleep to a song, and it felt nice waking up to it in the morning. Spotify Wrapped is gonna be fun - my listening patterns are very questionable, I listen to one looped song for days at a time (literally).
The song is from an album I cherish a lot. It feels like I'm 14 again - Hybrid Theory used to be my favorite album a few years ago. It's a shame I didn't really listen to Linkin Park before Chester's death, but oh well.
I don't have the motivation to get anything done these days, but I'm letting myself lie low for now. Resting after graduation.
I need to stop trying to erase my past.

 

[CTB Dream]

Rly want do any ctb leav this awfl wrld awfl human

 

[todiefor]

despondent, anxious, desperate, internal screaming

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

So tired. Woke up around 11 didn't get out of bed until around 12. Still not awake. Want to sleep forever.
Life is not for me.

 

[Rainy_Cloud]

I think i feel similar. I say i dont feel like human, im like a robot eho acts acoording to situation bit i feel so empty