Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Hirokami]

"But you chose to cut!" First of all, not all decisions are of sound mind. I would argue that someone with a sound mind wouldn't "choose" to cut themselves in the first place, let alone with a drill bit as they hyperventilate. A drill bit of all things, something very unconventional. Secondly, it isn't as easy as just stopping. If the root cause of self-harm still exists, then self-harm would still occur. I pretty much cope with my self-hate by, indeed, self-harm. I haven't done so in months until a couple of days ago, but still. For me, self-hate and self-harm are in unison. If I continue to hate myself, I will still harm myself eventually. Whether that be in a year or even in a few more days, it's inevitable. Of course, I don't expect normies to understand that. Everything is so easy for them with their bullshit "If I can, so can you!" attitude.

And, yeah, there might be some overlap with self-harm and drug addiction. Some. A common reason for drug addiction is escapism. I guess some who harm themselves do want to escape, though that's not my case. I just want to punish myself as I feel I deserve it. So, it infuriates me when people paint me with the same brush without even trying to understand me. I explain my reasons ad nauseam and it always reverts to people assuming I just want the endorphins from it. In reality, I don't care about endorphins. I don't enjoy doing it, hence why I try to go months without doing it. But, again, normies will never understand anything that doesn't fit their narrative.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I know I am just the loose end of the family and that if I killed myself my family would be much better off. Once their feelings about my death subside they will realize it, too, that's the thing.

 

[-Raven's Night-]

I was feeling like I can't describe yesterday maybe miserable and thoughts of ctb filled my head. Interesting things happened is that I got a large portion for two for the thanksgiving dinner because that's the last two in my school, didn't changed that. Finally my fellow metalhead band member invited me to have a drink in the underground... actually is her dorm... and I seldom drink but it did makes me feel euphoria. I jumped my way upstairs just afraid I will jump in an elevator. Feelings changed all the time and just kinda don't know what's the point to feel when there's ephemeral happiness since bad feelings always return. I need to go back to sleep again, thankfully didn't forget to take my meds because whenever it happens my day is like shit.

 

[outatime_85]

Each day, any hope I have fades away.

I never had a support system, and I still don't have one, and I don't have anyone to ask for help, so help is never coming.

How can two people create something and not get it tested for mental health issues or teach it how to properly function in life?

Abandon it (here's a toy, go play in the corner while the adults have fun) and bring it into a tribe where everyone is only concerned with themselves.

Then, send it out into the world with other wolves and say, "Make your life."

Then, when it fails, they treat it as less than and criticize it behind its back and ostracize it from the rest.

 

[Life_and_Death]

"i hope you feel better" walks away, comes back with a red ring around her neck, "yep, just perfect"
do it! youre worthless and pathetic.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Jealous. I saw an attractive waitress at the pub tonight and all I could think of was being her, going home and admiring how attractive I was.

 

[Eternal Pessimist]

The fact that I now look back on early 2018 with the kind of nostalgia usually reserved for precious childhood memories really helps me realize how far I've fallen in just four and a half years. My situation was already pretty messed up and I know I wasn't happy back then either, but at least it wasn't as bad as this.

 

[outatime_85]

As I was growing up, I thought I could win the game of life even if I were playing with a seven-deuce hand.

I would get small victories, win a hand, and then lose a hand, still thinking I would go far in life.

Then it was just a matter of losing hand after hand (my bad choices).

Now, having accumulated so many errors in my life, I have placed myself so far down the hole that I have no reasonable way out, no light, and no recovery; it is all my fault, and now the clock has sped up, and I am running out of time.

 

[wesv]

You stole this place from me. Just leave me the fuck alone. This was supposed to be my support. I will kill myself because of all of you.

 

[Life_and_Death]

not ctb rn, but god i wished i lived alone so i could just hang myself when i please

(would an emoji with cross eyes (like the one i used above) and its tongue sticking out be wrong for this site? lol the first ones eyes and the second ones tongue. id personally LOVE it. of course with the problems this site has i can see why not. damn pro lifers taking my fun....i just want a cute, funny, relatable emoji )

 

[StolenLife]

I hate biochemistry so much.

 

[Life_and_Death]

My bf and 2 others were the opposite of supportive and then I broke my laptop yesterday morning. Perfect, a not optional unannounced break. I need it but I'm sure I'll go back to "I was worried". Idk... I feel like I'm just your entertainment. You mention liking my beliefs then call it bs when I'm worried about our future... So I don't think I'll mind the time away so much, you're not worried, why should I be? Aside from not worrying basically means not caring and that most likely ensures it won't happen, but whatever I guess, 'bs lol' right.
(I can't remember now... But yesterday I remembered something similar in my childhood... Someone laughed at me for something. I seem to always have a memory match for moments...)

Other things I'm thinking

I'm not insane. I'm hurt and I'm tired of hurting.

Just because you can't admit to yourself that your first marriage didn't work out, isn't my problem. I have to deal with myself and the fact that I said I'd never here and I also have to deal with you.

 

[friendofbirds]

i want to kill myself and never be found. that's the main thing stopping me, is i dont want to traumatize anyone ie finding my corpse. if there was some pill one could take to disappear from reality instantly, i would take it

 

[Dead Ghost]

I'm a little down again... last week I went to the hearing doctor and everything went well, that is, I haven't gotten any worse (but I've lost hearing in my left ear, but at these heights I don't care)... the problem was the fact of leaving the house in the afternoon, there are more people on the street and at this time it is much darker.

I didn't remember that people were so afraid of me, they have always scared me, but this time between them looking at me and I was walking with a cane and with my head half bent due to vertigo, so I got anxiety and in return sadness, a lot . I would have liked to look up at the night sky - it calms me down a lot - but I couldn't stop looking at the ground and my feet.

And how I feel today, bad.. sad and tired. I miss people I may never meet again and I'm sorry I didn't know how to do things better, both towards others and towards myself.

Things must get better.

//

Torno a estar una micona ensorrat... la setmana passada vaig anar al metge de l'oída i va anar tot bé, es a dir, no he empitjorat més (però he perdut audició de l'orella esquerra, però a aquestes alçades se m'en fot)... el problema va ser el fet de sortir de casa a la tarda, hi ha més gent al carrer i en aquesta época és força més fosc.

No recordava pas que em fes tanta por la gent, sempre m'ha fet por, però aquesta vegada entre que em miraven i anava amb el bastó i amb el cap mig tort pels vertígens, doncs em va agafar ansietat i de retruc tristesa, molta. M'hagués agradat mirar cap el cel nocturn -em calma molt- però no podía deixar de mirar el terra i els meus peus.

I com em sento avuí, malament.. trist i cansat. Trobo a faltar gent que potser no tornaré a trobar i em sap greu no haver sabut fer millor les coses, tant cap als altres com cap a mi.

Les coses han de millorar per força.

 

[MellowAvenue]

I sincerely don't know if I'll see 2023 or not. It seems no matter how hard I fight or struggle to get into a stable, better situation for myself it never works out and something completely derails me. I pretend everything is fine, everything will work out, I'm happy, I'm fine now for the small handful of people who actually care about me's sake but I'm not. I'm getting increasingly sicker of pretending and it's an act that's getting harder to keep up regardless.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Friendless...
Wish I could connect with other guys. Maybe even a bromance. Nothing weird. Just someone to hang out with.
Not into sports though but movies would be cool. I guess I'm too nerdy.
I don't know about hanging out with women though. I don't want them to see how weak I am. Guess that could apply for dudes as well.
Is it just me? I see other dudes in public hanging out. I don't care if they are religious or atheist as long as they don't try to force their beliefs on me.
I really don't know how other guys do it.

 

[assisted]

sad. lonely. heartbroken. disgusted. pained.

 

[wesv]

Lately I've been wondering about the average time it takes for someone to commit suicide. Like the bell curve of completed suicides. From the inception of the first suicidal thought to completing it. I feel like there's a mean and bell curve here. In general.

I feel like all I do is think about my idealized way to go.

 

[MellowAvenue]

Lately I've been wondering about the average time it takes for someone to commit suicide. Like the bell curve of completed suicides. From the inception of the first suicidal thought to completing it. I feel like there's a mean and bell curve here. In general.

I feel like all I do is think about my idealized way to go.

You may find this study interesting: https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/means-matter/means-matter/duration/

The key part

• A study from Deisenhammer asked people who were seen in a hospital following a suicide attempt how long before their suicidal act they first started thinking about attempting it. 48% said within 10 minutes of making the attempt. The full distribution is as follows:

Obviously since these were survivors it probably explains why it skews towards 5-10 minutes, assuming everyone answered honestly. They likely used haphazard and desperate methods that are prone to failure without much thought. It takes a bit more time and planning to reliably succeed.

 

[SectOfValtiel]

confused and very, very alone
wishing for the umpteenth time that the stars could align and i could try with her again with the knowledge and growth i have today...
while simultaneously knowing 100% that is never happening
and that ouroboros of emotion hurts like hell

 

[wesv]

You may find this study interesting: https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/means-matter/means-matter/duration/

The key part



View attachment 101801

Obviously since these were survivors it probably explains why it skews towards 5-10 minutes, assuming everyone answered honestly. They likely used haphazard and desperate methods that are prone to failure without much thought. It takes a bit more time and planning to reliably succeed.

You may find this study interesting: https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/means-matter/means-matter/duration/

The key part



View attachment 101801

Obviously since these were survivors it probably explains why it skews towards 5-10 minutes, assuming everyone answered honestly. They likely used haphazard and desperate methods that are prone to failure without much thought. It takes a bit more time and planning to reliably succeed.

Thanks for the study.

Maybe there should be two categories: impulsive and non-impulsive suicides. I think I was wondering about the non-impulsive planned ones.

I actually tried to drown myself twice over the summer. Both times were impulsive. When I did it I didn't even think about it, the duration must've been a few seconds to a minute.

 

[friendofbirds]

i miss my mom

 

[wesv]

Everyday I am being controlled and tortured.

It's disgusting that the onset for males is 19.

CHILDREN have this. You did it to children. Fuck you.

It's corruption, collusion, and it's disgusting. It's evil. It's enough to drive people to kill themselves. 10-14%, not accounting for other related torture programs, they do. Numbers are probably fucking higher.

And yes, I WILL let my naivety be the reason why I kill myself.

This world is filled with evil psychopaths and predators who prey on the young.

The only difference between us and the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay is that we are U.S. citizens.

Can you take away these memories? Make me forget?

How does one heal in silence?

 

[didn't-it-rain]

I wish my parents didn't care so much as it would be so much easier to let go. I would've kms years ago.

I've long had a vague intuition that I would eventually go out this way. Tbh I didn't even think I'd make it to 30, and the fact I did just makes me all the more depressed. And these days, the "intuition" seems so more real. Without force of will I seem to conjure up images of family crying over me (which, again, I wish they wouldn't) or seeing my dead body (the image of which is horrifying to me; it makes the notion of going through with kms so much harder to take) - like my mind/body's having a premonition.

But there's too much guilt. As much as I think about it all the time, I just can't commit. And if only I could just commit to the fact that I'm not gonna kms any time soon, if ever (despite the aforementioned "intuition"), maybe then I could try to live my life and try to get better. But I almost don't want to get better, y'know? I can't let go of the past and that will be the death of me. I'm stuck, but it's almost entirely out of stubbornness.

If I had a choice of getting better and dying now, you know I'd choose the latter - as unfair as that is to my family, who are generous with their resources. It certainly makes me feel guilty. I'd feel better about the decision to kms if I had exhausted all my options and resources, and, well, I haven't. But can anyone blame me for not having the patience, after well over a decade of living like this?

And so assuming the latter's not an option (barring an accident, which I pray for every second I remember to; it's aggravating that accidents seem to happen to everyone but me, and wow it's obvious that I'm really deep in the woods here if I can even think to write a sentence like that), it'd be nice to not be depressed all the time.

 

[Zegers]

Some people do not understand how a disability screw your life to hell levels, it's not just aesthetically, that you have to use walking aids, it's the emotional hurt, the persistent stigma, the self-image issues, and how it leads to bleakness.

 

[Unending]

Feeling immensely trapped, as if I am doomed to failure in everything I do. It's disheartening how much this feeling lacks uniqueness. It feels like something that only the most unlucky person would be doomed to feel but unfortunately many are capable of living with this daily struggle.

 

[Trannydiary]

Weary

 

[StolenLife]

Nothing like a group therapy so useless tat I browse SS during the breaks.

 

[wesv]

Everyday I am being controlled and tortured.

It's disgusting that the onset for males is 19.

CHILDREN have this. You did it to children. Fuck you.

It's corruption, collusion, and it's disgusting. It's evil. It's enough to drive people to kill themselves. 10-14%, not accounting for other related torture programs, they do. Numbers are probably fucking higher.

And yes, I WILL let my naivety be the reason why I kill myself.

This world is filled with evil psychopaths and predators who prey on the young.

The only difference between us and the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay is that we are U.S. citizens.

 

[Life_and_Death]

This is why I can't quit. (watching tv, comment about addiction) "you don't have a disease" (him) "she's the smartest one there." nope, you're both the stupidest people ever, get a dictionary
a disease can be defined as a disorder of structure or function of an organism that is not a direct result of physical injury.
If I'm addicted to something, it's causing a disorder of structure and function in my life, and guess what that means... Shocking, I can read a dictionary. Maybe you should learn how to.
Your fucking denial of EVERYTHING is ruining my life. You unsupportive motherfucker...
Hmm.... Why might I want to move out... I really can't figure it out.