Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Gray Wounds]

Too dark and too cold. Every eye's on me. I want to curl up and just scream. Continuous, blood-curling screaming until I lose my voice, until my ears pop. Maybe then I can expel the suffering. Fucking suffering. Always suffering. It never ends. I see the sun today and then the next second it's dark again. Never an afternoon to spend. Always darker than night. The ants are keeping me awake. I wonder if that will be the same when my body's inside the coffin and ants will be crawling around me. Will someone flick them off and say things that are real good to hear when I was still around and alive. The animals are croaking. Danger. A warning. Goddamn. This world's awful. It's too fucking mortal. And morbid.

 

[Life_and_Death]

day 2 of "fasting" (anorexia, just not interested) if only i had SN

 

[GrumpyFrog]

How shitty the world has to be for people to go out of their way to take the option of killing yourself from others? Like, you're so out of ideas when it comes to offering people something more attractive than dying, that your only option is to make it physically impossible for people to end their lives. If it is just because suicidal people are too mentally ill to comprehend other options, why is there a need to restrict access to means of suicide outside of psychiatric hospitals? Oh, you cannot put everyone who needs it into a hospital because there aren't enough resources? See question 1 then.

 

[Pluto]

Very black... internal sense of emergency yet only an empty void outside. Constant searching for solutions only digging a deeper trench of powerlessness. Stressful silence.

Even starting to suspect that life kind of sucks.

 

[Life_and_Death]

dont you just love when people bitch after you give them the answer like shut up, youre your own worst enemy
context (my husband is rolling me a joint and the papers (that i buy) keep getting fucked up. i told him why, maybe if hed watch the roller instead of the damn tv? "why does this keep happening?" why are you asking if you dont care about the answer.
and theres absolutely nothing i can do expect watch my money get wasted because physical things are stopping me from doing it myself.
im sick of this. i fucking hate all of this.
"i dont want our relationship ending poorly" WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOUVE BEEN DOING!!!?? if you dont want it to end poorly, then start helping me fucking pack, not keep me here feeling like shit!!! I hate him, i hate him so much. "but i thought things were going well " NO!!!!! its called i cant fucking deal with you so i let you do whatever you want so i dont have to hear your fucking bullshit!!!!!!! im sick of you.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

Everything is becoming dark and murky. People I once respected I am starting to lose respect for.
I'm not really sure I want to get better anymore.

 

[Hirokami]

Please leave me alone please leave me alone please leave me alone all you do is bring me grief please leave me alone please for the love of God just stop

 

[Life_and_Death]

wanting a mom and dad....oh well.
it typically doesnt bother me, but every now and again it crops up and i feel alone...

 

[Life_and_Death]

you spend all day literally doing nothing except waiting for your bf to wake up so you can have something that makes you feel good and he unintentionally upsets you....im not even gonna mention it. whatever, he can just go do his thing and ill "forget" about him for the rest of the day. well as good as i can forget someone thats always on my mind..

 

[Life_and_Death]

god, people are so fucking idiotic!!
(context: it was probably a prolife forum. what i do know is they have no idea what theyre talking about)

 

[Life_and_Death]

me: im not feeling suicidal
also me: i feel like hanging myself for fun because im bored
i think im broken lol

 

[spectraltease]

I feel empty. Like if you slice me open, you'll find nothing there. Just black emptiness. I go through life mechanically, and it's like every emotion I feel is fake. Like they're really just at the surface. Beneath, there's nothing. It's weird. I know what to feel but I don't feel it.

I'm hurting and because of that, I end up hurting others. I don't want to cause pain anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I just want it all to end.

Very empty and anxious a bit.

 

[Anon1337]

Angry. Angry at how unfair society is.

Despair. Realizing I will never live the life I desire.

 

[Maudlin]

I feel like if I actually type what's really on my mind people in clean white coats are going to show up.

 

[Dead Horse]

As much as I love being alone and hate being with other people, it seems that the loneliness will always get to you in the end. I crave a relationship but I'd hate it if I had one, and at this point, I'm totally unable to be in one, anyway. FML

 

[Phill]

Tiredness. I'm tired of being a slave to my obsessive/intrusive thoughts. I miss the good old days when I didn't have to bear this load called OCD. I'm really tired. Sometimes I wish I could sleep and never wake up again.

 

[Life_and_Death]

fucked over. from birth we're told we can just trust certain people; our parents, cops, doctors.
ive been fucked over by all 3.
my parents abused me
the cops sent me back even after saying im suicidal
ive had a doctor tell me im going to die and then refuse to help me

i never plan on it, but if i ever have a child the LAST thing im EVER going to teach them is that you can trust people.
(rant inspired by getting fucked over by the pharmacists)
why do i even bother trying to help myself. i do and then someone comes along and pushes me back over. why wont humans just hand me the fucking gun!

 

[whitefeather]

Sunlight

 

[Zegers]

Today i was in a coffee shop and all the people were looking at me... they have never seen someone with a disability? i can't get used to this bs.

 

[Life_and_Death]

i have zero idea why i bother getting help. no one ever helps

 

[outatime_85]

An entry from one of my journals.

There will be no

one to check on me in my old age.

I leave behind a partner.

genes moving forward.

surrounded by loved ones.

thoughts or memories about me.

one who looks for me if or when I go missing.

one or any family to find my body.

kind words spoken of me when I die.

 

[Salvation_]

I feel empty. Like if you slice me open, you'll find nothing there. Just black emptiness. I go through life mechanically, and it's like every emotion I feel is fake. Like they're really just at the surface. Beneath, there's nothing. It's weird. I know what to feel but I don't feel it.

I'm hurting and because of that, I end up hurting others. I don't want to cause pain anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I just want it all to end.

Overwhelmed by how horrible people can be and how hard life is

 

[Life_and_Death]

i have zero idea why i bother getting help. no one ever helps

on another forum (a support forum) i made a post say im scared, dealing with really bad triggers and that i need help. 2 fucking days and not a single comment. no "hugs im with you" no "have you tried..." nothing, absolutely nothing. im fucking serious, why do i bother trying to get help?

 

[Gray Wounds]

I loathe pity. But most of all, I loathe the toxicity of a someone. I've loved you. All i ask is for you to acknowledge me as you always do in our chat and in my other house whenever you see me on the streets. Why treat me as a fucking stranger? Ah, yes. You're ashamed of me.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I'm wasting away every single day.

 

[hungry_ghost]

Frustrated with myself, because the idea of having any social interaction with another stranger that isn't exclusively via text terrifies me.

 

[Life_and_Death]

anorexia, i threw up twice this morning.....
but im finally liking myself when i look in the mirror...
im not in a position to change out eating for exercise....

at the same time i dont like it because of why/how it is....

 

[Dead Ghost]

God has been giving lately. I got very strong and sustained anxiety last Saturday afternoon (around four o'clock) and it didn't stop.. I couldn't even sleep and I think between four and five o'clock Sunday morning it eased (but I couldn't sleep in that strip despite keeping my head blank) then it came back really strong and around 5pm on Sunday it stopped... but today is Monday (today is Monday!? I have altered time perception!) m 'he's back again after lunch.

My previous record was last January, it lasted from three quarter of eight in the morning to four in the afternoon in a sustained way... but this time it was a beast.

I don't know, I have a bad feeling it's going to get worse in the short term.

//

Déu n'hi dó últimament. Em va agafar una ansietat ben forta i sostinguda el dissabte passat a la tarda (cap a les quatre) i no parava.. no podía ni dormir i crec que entre les quatre y les cinc del matí de diumenge va afluixar (però no vaig poder dormir en aquella franja tot i posar el cap en blanc) després va tornar ben fort i cap a les 5 de la tarda de diumenge va parar... però avuí dilluns (avuí és dilluns!? tinc la percepció del temps alterada!) m'ha tornat altre vegada després de dinar.

El meu record anterior estava en el gener passat, em va durar desde tres quarts de vuit del matí a les quatre de la tarda de manera sostinguda.. pero aquesta vegada ha estat molt béstia.

No ho sé, tinc una mala sensació de que la cosa anirà a més a curt termini.

 

[Lostandlooking]

I had to talk to someone today about how I'm doing and I hate it. Talking about things just emphasizes how different I feel about things compared to 'normal' people. I'd rather not talk again. And I feel weird and ashamed about it. So much of what I do and have done in life is to please other people's expectations. Sometimes it seems that's all there is.

 

[jackie_boy1337]

Nothing. Just exhaustion.

Maybe a little aggravation that I have to start a job tomorrow, that I probably won't be able to hold down.

Maybe a little sprinkle of hopelessness because my entire life have been completely dismantled over such a short period of time with no hope of repair.

At the end of the day, it's just a drop in the giant bucket of sewer water everybody calls "life".

Just glad that I can manage to turn it all to "nothing" by the time I go to bed.