wanting to get worse to be taken seriously

[Higurashi415]

have you ever felt this way? i'm getting really desperate at this point, my situation seems way beyond saving according to me, and definitely pathological according to the DSM but for some weird reason the psychiatrist i'm seeing doesn't seem to agree. I'd love to have a honest and adult discussion about our disagreements but unfortunately MH staff always seem to be playing games and are never honest.

so I guess my questions are...
1. how do you guys deal with this?
2. have you ever purposefully gotten worse to be believed?
3. do you ever feel like people won't take your suffering seriously until you have killed yourself?

 

[monetpompo]

do you ever feel like people won't take your suffering seriously until you have killed yourself?

i feel like this every day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no one understands my niche flavor of mundane suffering!!!

i've never gotten worse on purpose (getting worse is a side effect of my life stagnating and not taking care of myself in order to feel something), but i definitely have a sick sense of satisfaction when i deliberately starve myself or isolate from others. it makes me feel good because treating myself like shit means telling people i treat myself like shit will make them care about me until they realize that i always treat myself like this. if i self harmed then i think i would do it to get attention or to feel "valid" for my depression, because cutting myself would mean that it's real.

i don't deal well. sometimes i eat more and sometimes i sleep all day because i'm lethargic. sometimes i daydream about leaving everything behind and not having to be sad anymore. i like musical theater/broadway and dance in my room when i feel happy, and sometimes my friends hang out with me when they're not busy. i can't hang out with them all the time and i can't tell them how i'm really feeling, but i still think about how i'm going to kill myself in the back of my mind every time i hang out with them. i also play on my 3ds that i modded myself. i can't watch movies anymore because i fixate on my depression and can't enjoy them.

 

[Higurashi415]

i feel like this every day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no one understands my niche flavor of mundane suffering!!!

i've never gotten worse on purpose (getting worse is a side effect of my life stagnating and not taking care of myself in order to feel something), but i definitely have a sick sense of satisfaction when i deliberately starve myself or isolate from others. it makes me feel good because treating myself like shit means telling people i treat myself like shit will make them care about me until they realize that i always treat myself like this. if i self harmed then i think i would do it to get attention or to feel "valid" for my depression, because cutting myself would mean that it's real.

i don't deal well. sometimes i eat more and sometimes i sleep all day because i'm lethargic. sometimes i daydream about leaving everything behind and not having to be sad anymore. i like musical theater/broadway and dance in my room when i feel happy, and sometimes my friends hang out with me when they're not busy. i can't hang out with them all the time and i can't tell them how i'm really feeling, but i still think about how i'm going to kill myself in the back of my mind every time i hang out with them. i also play on my 3ds that i modded myself. i can't watch movies anymore because i fixate on my depression and can't enjoy them.

I've never gotten worse _on purpose_ either, just to be clear. but I'm seriously considering it. I've never understood this concept until this time. this time i was seriously trying to do everything right you know? therapy, meds, sobriety and all that. all i've got is mental health professionals saying that i'm doing rather well, whereas i'm failing at every possible goal i could envision for myself, and being on the brink of suicide., wouldn't surprise me if i died tomorrow. i wonder if i'd get the care i MAYBE would need if i had some visible scars on my body, or just something TANGIBLE that could prove my suffering. i know my suffering shouldn't need to be "provable", but at the same time MH professionals can't see the difference between a genuinely struggling person and someone who's faking it.
idk man, im grasping at straws here, just trying to make sense of it all... sorry if it doesn't make any sense

 

[inkmage333]

1. how do you guys deal with this?
2. have you ever purposefully gotten worse to be believed?
3. do you ever feel like people won't take your suffering seriously until you have killed yourself?

1. I don't think I've ever dealt with it properly? The way I've seen it, it may hurt now but it'll all pay off once I'm gone.
2. Yeah, I'm kind of doing that right now. Won't go too into it but I'm intentionally getting worse with the purpose of getting people who are/were in my life to realize "oh fuck, there's something seriously wrong here" and take my mental illness seriously for once.
3. Yep, wholeheartedly! I really do think people will only start feeling sorry for how I suffered once I'm gone.

 

[monetpompo]

I've never gotten worse _on purpose_ either, just to be clear. but I'm seriously considering it. I've never understood this concept until this time. this time i was seriously trying to do everything right you know? therapy, meds, sobriety and all that. all i've got is mental health professionals saying that i'm doing rather well, whereas i'm failing at every possible goal i could envision for myself, and being on the brink of suicide., wouldn't surprise me if i died tomorrow. i wonder if i'd get the care i MAYBE would need if i had some visible scars on my body, or just something TANGIBLE that could prove my suffering. i know my suffering shouldn't need to be "provable", but at the same time MH professionals can't see the difference between a genuinely struggling person and someone who's faking

i geddit
it's really frustrating to try to make a positive change in your life but pretty much everything stays the same even though things look good on the outside. antipsychotics make me starve myself and oversleep and i can't afford therapy but doctors tell me i seem super self aware and healthy when i talk to them. i also relate to the isea that having scars or burns might make mh professionals see me as a real person that wants to hurt myself instead of a moody 20 year old.

getting worse intentionally feels good because it feels validating to let your mental state spread to your physical state by neglecting your needs and wasting away so you look how you feel. i enjoy feeding into the urge that i deserve pain but it never helps with anything besides making you more suicidal. as a kid, i constantly wished that my parents were more abusive or that my life was more shit so that i could get help or resources for my suicidal thoughts/depression. mundane but constant suffering isn't enough for people.

 

[Hollowman]

MH workers will say anything to keep you coming back to them forever.

 

[sanctionedusage]

ive only ever felt this with anorexia tbh. in that case, i just got worse, i dont think it can be 'on purpose,' and i did believe people wouldn't take me seriously until i either died or looked sexually unattractive to them. i only ever wanted to be seen as a true anorexic; the point wasn't to be acknowledged as a cry for help.

in terms of being suicidal, i never want to be taken seriously or suspected of being suicidal. because i've been alive so long, i don't think behaviors like cutting, food control, over/undersleeping, dark humor, etc. read as "suicide risk" anymore so i don't hold back on these. but i am very careful with what i say, what i buy, how i hide things like climbing rope as an unathletic and uncreative 20yo girl, etc. fortunately i dont think anyone would take me seriously even if i attempted. the thought of getting concerned attention, armchair diagnosed, or whatever just sounds really awkward and unnecessary. i don't see suicide as a bad thing, even if i understand how it's tragic. hard to explain. i see it as something good to look forward to and get excited about, along with the nerves. like elective surgery or moving to a foreign country you've always liked.

 

[Higurashi415]

getting worse intentionally feels good because it feels validating to let your mental state spread to your physical state by neglecting your needs and wasting away so you look how you feel. but it never helps with anything besides making you more suicidal. as a kid, i constantly wished that my parents were more abusive or that my life was more shit so that i could get help or resources for my suicidal thoughts/depression. mundane but cons

i geddit
it's really frustrating to try to make a positive change in your life but pretty much everything stays the same even though things look good on the outside. antipsychotics make me starve myself and oversleep and i can't afford therapy but doctors tell me i seem super self aware and healthy when i talk to them. i also relate to the isea that having scars or burns might make mh professionals see me as a real person that wants to hurt myself instead of a moody 20 year old.

getting worse intentionally feels good because it feels validating to let your mental state spread to your physical state by neglecting your needs and wasting away so you look how you feel. i enjoy feeding into the urge that i deserve pain but it never helps with anything besides making you more suicidal. as a kid, i constantly wished that my parents were more abusive or that my life was more shit so that i could get help or resources for my suicidal thoughts/depression. mundane but constant suffering isn't enough for people.

my vision is unstable i cant write a proper reply t you right now but i've read evrything. i want to write a proper reply, maybe when im not high//
however thank you for writing

ive only ever felt this with anorexia tbh. in that case, i just got worse, i dont think it can be 'on purpose,' and i did believe people wouldn't take me seriously until i either died or looked sexually unattractive to them. i only ever wanted to be seen as a true anorexic; the point wasn't to be acknowledged as a cry for help.

in terms of being suicidal, i never want to be taken seriously or suspected of being suicidal. because i've been alive so long, i don't think behaviors like cutting, food control, over/undersleeping, dark humor, etc. read as "suicide risk" anymore so i don't hold back on these. but i am very careful with what i say, what i buy, how i hide things like climbing rope as an unathletic and uncreative 20yo girl, etc. fortunately i dont think anyone would take me seriously even if i attempted. the thought of getting concerned attention, armchair diagnosed, or whatever just sounds really awkward and unnecessary. i don't see suicide as a bad thing, even if i understand how it's tragic. hard to explain. i see it as something good to look forward to and get excited about, along with the nerves. like elective surgery or moving to a foreign country you've always liked.

it may sound incoherent, because im not 100% there rn, but dont you ever feel like al of this culd be avoided? like, dont you ever feel like you could be saved somehow?