Venting wanting to be loved but also not wanting to be alive

[coldworld]

sorry if this is rambly and not making sense but essentially im 23f, never been in a relationship, never done anything with a guy, khhv, ive been suicidal since i was around 10/11 after a lot of bullshit that happened throughout childhood, nothing major and ik other people have it way worse so i dont even feel like talking about it. so anyways ive always wanted to at least experience something with a guy or like experience being in love before I ctb, however im really scared of an attachment developing and then leaving the person, and feeling really guilty if they get upset over my death. this has kept me from making any sort of meaningful relationships. Sometimes I think i just want love and want to be loved and that i dont actaully want to die. but this life has been nothing but painful, irritating, and a huge disappointment. Nothing good has come out of it, also i'm kind of scared of men as i was bullied in a really psychotic way by the guys in my grade from elementary school until high school, did something to me psychologically i think. idk i just wish i could experience love without wreaking other peoples lives essentially. i know i will eventually die by my own hand sooner or later, there is a guy i find myself really attracted to but i dont feel like messing him up even more if he were to develop a bond to me. oh well! has anyone else ever experienced this sort of thought process?

 

[boyafraid]

I relate to your post too well. I've had mdd and been suicidal since 14. It's affected all my friendships, and potential relationships. It hurts a lot too because I had a girlfriend at one point so I know what being in love feels like, and now I don't have it lol. I also have the bad habit of pushing people away before it could turn into a friendship, or even romantic relationship. I've had some people flirt with me since middle school but due to my issues it never turned into anything. I deadass just want to be held and have my hair played with to the point it hurts sometimes.

I was also bullied in middle school and it's messed with my brain a lot. Even though it was in middle school, and now I'm a 20 year old guy, those scars are still very present. For that same reason, most of my friends were women through out most of my life. I just feel more comfortable, and like I can be myself around them in a way I can't with most men. Despite my issues, at heart I'm a really goofy and playful person. Most guys I come across try to act stoic/nonchalant and we just don't vibe the same way. I'm just more feminine in general too, I love the color pink, plushies and things that would be consider "girly" hence why my pfp is a dude with a flower crown lol.

Not the best one to take advice from since I don't know your whole situation, but I think you should try and maybe try to talk to the guy a little more. Maybe it could work out and you could experience being in love because it's a nice feeling lol. Of course, be careful and all that stuff because some dudes are dangerous and misogynistic, it's really scary(speaking from others, and my own experience) There are also people called professional cuddlers, where people pay them an amount to cuddle them for one hour, sometimes longer. It could be worth it, that way it's less attachment kind of. This is what I might do one of these days tbh because I'm so touch starved. Only bad thing is that it can be a little pricey ):

Sorry if I typed too much on my post, sometimes I write a lot if it's something I relate to lol

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Yeah. Trauma makes it hard..
And I understand not wanting to hurt someone with your death.

Personally, I promised myself that if I get the opportunity to love someone I will.
Mainly because I'm pretty lonely and I don't want to be a hypocrite saying I'm lonely but then not taking a chance if I could. But that's a personal preference.
I want it to be an as rational as possible choice when I make it. That includes trying fixing what I think I'm missing. But I go back and forth on it depending on how close I get..

 

[violetforever]

u sound exactly like me. i'm a year older than u. i don't have advice because i don't have a want for love/relationships anymore. or except not for anyone else other than someone i can't have. u said u like ur friend but is it worth risking the friendship? i did that and we both regretted it. the outcome and trauma that came with it made me more suicidal than ever. i'm not trying to scare u i just don't want u to lose ur friend.

 

[Dejected 55]

Multiple intersections with your story, but I'm much older at 55, and I'm male... but I was bullied early in school, through middle school, and into the start of high school. Mostly the boys bullying me and the girls ignoring me. Each was a different kind of hurtful.

I've never been in a relationship. I have wished all of my life to find someone, but have not... and it has taken a toll on me and I've already tried to die once, a couple of months ago, failing the attempt of course... but still being in that state of maybe not wanting to die but not wanting to live in this lonely uncaring world anymore.

I don't really consider the aspect of "what if" I found someone and then I died and it hurt them... because I feel like if I found someone, she would help me to not want to die anymore, because I'd have reasons to want to live and experience all the things. But, I've been on the other side of it... talked to many people on this site since finding it earlier this year... and I'm aware of at least a couple of people that I used to talk to who have disappeared and I'm pretty sure they have found their exit. I'm glad for them having ended their pain, but admittedly the loss of them does hurt too.

 

[Happy Cat]

You're similar to me, I'm young and never been in a relationship or did anything with a guy. I also crave love or companionship. If I ever was in a relationship with someone I truly loved I think I wouldn't try to ctb anymore. What's difference from us is that I would probably rope him into my suicide because I would rather not die alone and dying together with someone I love sounds nice. But idk