Venting Venting 10/03

[ForeverCaHa]

With only a few weeks to go until my CTB date, I'm feeling more and more impatient. The date I've chosen has a lot of emotional value to me, so I cannot change it, but the wait is still dragging.

My family is on holiday this week, so I would've been home alone, but some friends of mine are essentially taking it in shifts to stay here. Although they haven't said anything, we all know it's because they worry I will off myself if I'm alone too long. Part of me feels cruel, knowing that I have a concrete plan set, and that this week was never a risk for me. They're trying to list reasons why it's not what I should do, but I tune out whenever they start. Life has exhausted me, and the idea that the nightmare I'm currently living is all my fault just won't fade. It's been almost a month since my partner died, and I have felt myself slipping away ever since the moment the news was given to me. I cannot fail this attempt.

I could so easily go through with my protocol this week. I would feel so much better doing it at home, in my own bed, in a familiar setting. But, save for an impulsive attempt, I can't do that to my family or friends. My mum wouldn't be able to continue living here, knowing I died in this room. My friends would be the one to find me. I can't do that to them. And I only have enough SN for one attempt. So I just need to drag myself to the date.

Truly though, one key reason I feel the urge to commit this week, is my partner's funeral in a few days. I am terrified. I am so, so scared. Being there will force me to face reality. I don't want to. I just want to hold him again. Why did this have to happen? He was such a kind person. This month without him has killed me. If anyone who knows me ever finds this account and reads my posts: I am sorry. I wasn't as strong as you said I was.

 

[deadbidaylight]

My heart is with you. Funerals are awful, and facing reality is going to be extremely hard. It's okay to be scared. I think all your feelings are valid. Take it one breath at a time.

I know it's way easier said than done, but if you know your date is coming close, maybe try and spend quality time with your friends staying with you so you can soak up every bit of love they have before you go.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

I know it's way easier said than done, but if you know your date is coming close, maybe try and spend quality time with your friends staying with you so you can soak up every bit of love they have before you go.

Yeah, that's my plan this week. Them coming to essentially care for me this week means I'll have a lot of time to hang out with them, leave them with some good memories and all that.

 

[deadbidaylight]

Giving yourself some good memories to go out with too. I know the pain of losing your partner is too much to bear, and I completely sympathize with your situation. I would probably go the same route you plan on if I was in your shoes. But remember before you go that you are surrounded by love of others too. I hope that brings you at least a bit of comfort in your final days and as you pass. You are a sweet soul that deserves this love and peace.