Venting Venting 01/04

[ForeverCaHa]

I knew this week would be hard. Not because of my coming attempt, but since it would've been our anniversary week. It's only 9am here. I have to get through a whole day with these thoughts. Even after that there's still 3 more days. I just want to sleep until Saturday.

Exactly one year ago I had moved into a new house, ready to start my PhD. Everything was looking fantastic. I was excited about life and everything I had coming.

Now I'm back in my mum's spare room, barely holding myself together. I'm constantly on the verge of tears, forcing memories down so I don't have to think about him and our time together. It's getting harder though. Yesterday all I could think of was my hand on his leg as he drove. It's been almost two months since he died and I'm still stuck on that day, I haven't moved forward even a tiny bit. If anything, it's gotten harder to cope with life without him. But I can't say any of this out loud. I threatened to end the relationship, so how could anyone believe that I loved him and still do love him? It's cruel of me to even have these thoughts since it was my own choice that led to this chain of events.

I was so lucky, but I didn't appreciate it. I acted like a brat and this is where it got me.

The weather has been so nice recently. He would've loved it. Maybe we would've gone to the beach, had a picnic in the park, gone for a weekend away in nature... I'd be happy with just sitting with him and holding his hand again. I want to make him tea, stroke his hair, hold him close, remind him how proud I am to be with him.

 

[2277dee]

That is what life is. the value of thing we have we can't see it and when we push it and it goes away.we cry about it.every thing is temporary and sucks that is the exact reason why I want to die.

 

[Tombs_in_your_eyes]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard week. Your grief is still so fresh, and then to have an anniversary on top of that must make the loss and yearning so much more painful.

Please don't blame yourself for your partner's death. Talking about ending a relationship doesn't make you a brat. Him choosing to CTB after that conversation doesn't make it your fault - we're not responsible for other adults' reactions to our actions.

But I know that's so easy for me to say from the outside. It's so common in grief to dwell on all the 'what ifs' and feel guilt - especially when it's a CTB death. I believe you when you say you love him - the love you feel leaps out from your writing.

I'm also struggling on this beautiful sunny day without my mom. She also died about two months ago. I keep half expecting to look out the window and see her tending her beautiful garden, or sitting in the sun reading.

I hope we both reunite with our loved ones in an afterlife and that we can endure the pain as best we can until then

 

[ForeverCaHa]

I'm also struggling on this beautiful sunny day without my mom. She also died about two months ago. I keep half expecting to look out the window and see her tending her beautiful garden, or sitting in the sun reading.

I'm sorry for your loss. Somehow rainy, cold days are easier to handle. Beautiful weather just doesn't make sense to me anymore.

That weird sense of hope is difficult to deal with. When I hear a knock at the door I instinctively assume it's him.

I hope you're able to find some peace today, no matter how small.

 

[CravingPeace]

Was thinking about you this weekend. I'm hoping you can find some peace & comfort in the coming days. One love

 

[ForeverCaHa]

Was thinking about you this weekend. I'm hoping you can find some peace & comfort in the coming days. One love

Thanks, mate. I'll be sure to inform everyone when (or I guess 'if', you never know what will happen) I put the plan in motion.