Venting I turned 25 on the 19th.

[she]

I told my boyfriend that I just felt scared, that I felt like I'm running out of time.

"Who fucking cares? We're all running out of time."

His answer kind of just bounced around the walls of my head, and still has been for a few days. It feels silly now to have thought that someone should care.
It feels a bit dumb to worry that I have much less time than everyone else, especially when that's a decision I've made. Maybe I'm just my own worst enemy.
Or maybe I just want to know that somebody cares.

He's trying his best, I know he is. The way I phrased the beginning of this post makes him sound cold. He's really loving, in a brutally honest kind of way.
Despite what he said, I know that he cares deeply. I know that when I CTB, it will destroy him.

Maybe one day when I'm just a memory for him, he'll settle down with a woman. A real woman. Not some mentally ill transvestite who begs for validation or reasons to stick around.
He'll start a family with kids, and be happy. I've envisioned his future without being a part of it so often that I feel almost completely detached. The SN is still in my closet.

But anyways, yeah. My birthday was a few days ago. Honestly, part of me hopes it's the last one.

 

[CarbonBased]

Happy late birthday to you
I know how it is to have a feeling of running out of time. It's very different from just a typical "we're all gonna die some day" kind of thing that people with no ideation might assume. To me it feels sort of like standing at a backstage, waiting for your turn to perform. You can see the line getting shorter. You're feeling anxious, but you're in it now. The audience waits and there is no turning back.