halfstay
Member
- Feb 4, 2026
- 13
heyo, just making a personal vent thread here. open to anyone commenting but of course don't feel like you have to!
i just finished a month of intensive training for my job and now im on a five day weekend. I feel nothing, and somehow everything.
im bipolar, and I've been on sixteen (I think??) or so medications in the last six months. did the dna test thing to see why none of it was working (or more commonly, making it significantly worse), but no dice.
i think ultimately, at some point in time, im going to take my own life. and I think it'll be impulsive, horribly violent, and painful. probably during an episode.
I don't feel like there is a "rational" side of me. there's me when I'm manic, me when I'm numb, almost inhuman in my indifference, and me when I'm utterly depressed and suicidal.
I'll leave behind a lot of wonderful people, and undoubtedly traumatize them in the process. And I'm pretty confident my sister will take her life shortly after I take mine. I don't want her to, and I have a letter prepared for her begging her not to. But she will, and that's entirely my own fault.
I wish I could tell these people drifting towards me to not get too close. Because I'm going to die. But they're all good people so they want to "save" me, and it ends up causing more problems. So I'm an asshole, i ghost people and don't respond.
ideally I would like to go out peacefully. I would like my family to understand that I've tried, but I'm just in a constant cycle of pain. The only peace for me is death. I wish I could hug them all one last time and have them tell me it's okay for me to go.
But it won't happen that way. I'll be alone, violent, and unstable. If I survive an episode like that, I'll be mutilated. I know it's coming and I can't stop it. No psychiatrist, doctor, therapist, or medications can stop it.
i don't feel like a person, I feel like I'm just a symptom. a personification of a condition. maybe there's something more than just bipolar, but does it matter? I don't think so. knowing or not knowing isn't going to stop the inevitable.
reading this back, it all feels incoherent now… and what's funnier is that soon I'll feel like a god and regret ever typing this. but then I'll be back and thus it will go. over and over and over. over and over and over.
i just finished a month of intensive training for my job and now im on a five day weekend. I feel nothing, and somehow everything.
im bipolar, and I've been on sixteen (I think??) or so medications in the last six months. did the dna test thing to see why none of it was working (or more commonly, making it significantly worse), but no dice.
i think ultimately, at some point in time, im going to take my own life. and I think it'll be impulsive, horribly violent, and painful. probably during an episode.
I don't feel like there is a "rational" side of me. there's me when I'm manic, me when I'm numb, almost inhuman in my indifference, and me when I'm utterly depressed and suicidal.
I'll leave behind a lot of wonderful people, and undoubtedly traumatize them in the process. And I'm pretty confident my sister will take her life shortly after I take mine. I don't want her to, and I have a letter prepared for her begging her not to. But she will, and that's entirely my own fault.
I wish I could tell these people drifting towards me to not get too close. Because I'm going to die. But they're all good people so they want to "save" me, and it ends up causing more problems. So I'm an asshole, i ghost people and don't respond.
ideally I would like to go out peacefully. I would like my family to understand that I've tried, but I'm just in a constant cycle of pain. The only peace for me is death. I wish I could hug them all one last time and have them tell me it's okay for me to go.
But it won't happen that way. I'll be alone, violent, and unstable. If I survive an episode like that, I'll be mutilated. I know it's coming and I can't stop it. No psychiatrist, doctor, therapist, or medications can stop it.
i don't feel like a person, I feel like I'm just a symptom. a personification of a condition. maybe there's something more than just bipolar, but does it matter? I don't think so. knowing or not knowing isn't going to stop the inevitable.
reading this back, it all feels incoherent now… and what's funnier is that soon I'll feel like a god and regret ever typing this. but then I'll be back and thus it will go. over and over and over. over and over and over.
