MathConspiracy
Trapped in a (prison) cell of organic molecules
- Mar 25, 2025
- 245
I know this is not a good place to write this. Hell, pro-lifers and LE will probably use these horrible thoughts to shut down this site. If this vent is against the rules, then please, mods, delete this. I WANT TO STRESS THAT I WOULD NEVER, EVER ACT ON THESE IDEAS, I JUST NEED TO GET THIS OUT OF MY SYSTEM
My last 3 days have been confusing. I'm not even particularly depressed. I just feel disconnected – like all of this is some sort of game or hoax. I feel like none of this is real. I'm fucking numb but get annoyed easily. I lash out at people, even at my friends. Since everything feels so overwhelmingly fake, I've started fantasizing about doing some unforgivable things before my CTB. (Even CTB doesn't feel like a big deal anymore.)
I often find myself thinking that if I had a gun or a knife, I would hurt the person next to me. Yesterday and on Monday I almost hit someone. On Sunday I slapped my mother. These thoughts unsettle me. But then this numbness gets over and I think: what's the point? If I'm going to CTB anyway, why wouldn't I do it? Obviously I know I can't do it. But I feel like I'm starting to slip through the cracks, as if I'm the only conscious person here.
Everything makes so much sense. The fact that I was given this horrible personality and everyone else is nice and obedient makes me think if I really am destined to CTB. I'm currently somewhat sleep deprived (but I'm not tired at all) so could that cause this?
To conclude, no, I'm not going to murder anyone. But I'm slightly afraid I will do something bad and embarrassing. I don't want to seek help because this sounds fucking crazy. I'm not crazy, I'm able to distract myself from these thoughts by putting on my regular social mask. And watching Youtube. Lots of it.
Am I alone?
Edit: fixed "always" to "almost"
My last 3 days have been confusing. I'm not even particularly depressed. I just feel disconnected – like all of this is some sort of game or hoax. I feel like none of this is real. I'm fucking numb but get annoyed easily. I lash out at people, even at my friends. Since everything feels so overwhelmingly fake, I've started fantasizing about doing some unforgivable things before my CTB. (Even CTB doesn't feel like a big deal anymore.)
I often find myself thinking that if I had a gun or a knife, I would hurt the person next to me. Yesterday and on Monday I almost hit someone. On Sunday I slapped my mother. These thoughts unsettle me. But then this numbness gets over and I think: what's the point? If I'm going to CTB anyway, why wouldn't I do it? Obviously I know I can't do it. But I feel like I'm starting to slip through the cracks, as if I'm the only conscious person here.
Everything makes so much sense. The fact that I was given this horrible personality and everyone else is nice and obedient makes me think if I really am destined to CTB. I'm currently somewhat sleep deprived (but I'm not tired at all) so could that cause this?
To conclude, no, I'm not going to murder anyone. But I'm slightly afraid I will do something bad and embarrassing. I don't want to seek help because this sounds fucking crazy. I'm not crazy, I'm able to distract myself from these thoughts by putting on my regular social mask. And watching Youtube. Lots of it.
Am I alone?
Edit: fixed "always" to "almost"
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