Venting Unlovability (Transgenderism, Touch Aversion, Self Harm and the Inevitable)

[quietpill]

My partner of a year and a half recently told me that he is straight and never going to be genuinely attracted to my androgyny or masculinity, only my femininity, as an AFAB transmasc person (I identify as nonbinary due to knowing I will never be able to fully transition). This killed our mutual romance and attraction, and to be honest I'm not even mad at him. Maybe resentful of the time lost, but that's on me for ever being hopeful.

Now, I'm mired and lost in the fact that no one will ever want a half-baked tranny who is fucking miserable, always has been and always will be. I think the worst part is knowing that my physical and emotional pain would be halved if I could just stomach being seen as a girl. But I can't, I'm forever locked into being a freak of nature. Realistically, I know that even if I was cisgender, the chasm I feel between me and society at large would remain. I'm a facsimile of humanity. The social queues I learn are never enough to convince people I'm real, that I'm worth continuing to talk to beyond a couple conversations. It's a retail reflex, my kindness and learned witicisms, and when anybody glimpses beyond there is a yawning void they shy away from, naturally. From friends, to family, to the few lovers I've had, they tell me "I'm sorry I can't help you" without me even having to ask, without knowing I even was. I know I could get better, see a therapist and a psych, but it's just not worth it when my body is disgusting, when I can't be loved normally like other people and know it's locked behind a paywall I have no hopes of climbing over. I know I push everyone away because of this, too. The only thing I want is to be hugged, really, but I'm a literally un-comfortable person who recoils from touch under emotional stress unless I'm doling it out for another's benefit, because I don't trust anyone with the most tender parts of myself. The moments where my fascimile of genuinity and comfort is enough for someone else in a way I know it will never be for me hurts deeper than any pain I've ever experienced.

I dream of the ultimate intimacy of being strangled to death. Being held when I go, even if it's by hate, malice, and against my will (barely) seems... nice. A comforting fantasy as opposed to the untouchable fantasy of recovery and love. Why would anyone love me when they could hurt me? How could they want anything else? No matter how much I try, alcohol and cigarettes rarely hold a candle to the splitting of flesh. I can't gut myself and drag out my intestines, I can't get top surgery, I can't confide in anyone, I can't get better. But I can use my knife, I can remember I'm flesh and blood when I cut open the layers to make sure, and covet the small intimacies only I am willing to give myself when I gauze and bandage the wounds. Superficial pain is the only kind that heals, and I think that's why I'm addicted to it.

I am drunk and I'm hateful, as opposed to sober and bitter. And I'm sorry if none of this isn't even coherent.

 

[willow115]

There's so much to unpack here. You can date in that circle. It's pretty wide now in the western world. Your feelings of unlovability are coming from within given the fact that you have past partners. You're not exiled from dating.

You have so much self loathing and dissociation and discomfort in your body, it's hard not think that's playing a role in the adrogyny here. To escape all that. I think therapy, even if it doesn't "fix" anyone, is enough to open some questions up.

 

[belly.up4good]

This is my deepest fear, people not viewing me as a man. There's been many times I wanted to ask just to see, but I never do because you know, it sucks, learning that about someone you care about. I forget that I'm not 'normal' to the average joe, and even with accepting people, I don't know what they see. Someone admitted recently..kinda not kinda yea that they had trouble adjusting to my identity, said multiple times cis guys might see me as a girl, and that's why they like me or whatever. I'm really sorry that's how it turned out for you, and after a long time too. Same thing happened to me, they admitted to me something important instead of before we got together. I get the feeling of being unlovable, I feel it all the time too, I scare people off a lot, like how you described. It's like I said the wrong thing or they just know. Not necessarily because I'm trans but just the way I am I guess? Like it feels like I get treated differently automatically, and I didn't even do anything wrong. Any time I try to talk to anyone new, it usually doesn't go anywhere because they get dry or don't reach out, and if it does, they leave or I attract awful people. Even when I attract genuine people, I ruin it, because I'm really uncomfortable around anyone new, or I get too attached, etc. I'm worried to say or do the wrong thing because I'll embarrass myself, but I usually do anyway. I feel like an alien all the time, like I'm infesting everyone's space, and I don't want to be percieved and basically agoraphobic at this point because of it. I'm sorry again. What you said at the end was very beautiful the way you worded it. Your thoughts don't need to be coherent to be understood, mine are often too, so much I have trouble finding words. I see you're very good at poetry or writing, you write like how I want to. I hope it gets better for you, I know it feels like everyone hates you. There's always a flower amongst the dead, I guess waiting and going to new places/events helps, I mean I didn't think it would happen but it did, multiple times now that I think about it. When it happens, please don't make the same mistake I did, self-sabotage.

 

[Liammm]

Be angry, drink, and cope, man. I do hope that when you sleep, though, that you find some semblance of peace in that. I pray you have no nightmares, but peace.

When we sleep, we aren't fucking trannys and unlovable. We aren't ridiculed and belittled. Not a fucking "man in a dress," or a "confused woman."

It fucking sucks.

 

[quietpill]

This is my deepest fear, people not viewing me as a man. There's been many times I wanted to ask just to see, but I never do because you know, it sucks, learning that about someone you care about. I forget that I'm not 'normal' to the average joe, and even with accepting people, I don't know what they see. Someone admitted recently..kinda not kinda yea that they had trouble adjusting to my identity, said multiple times cis guys might see me as a girl, and that's why they like me or whatever. I'm really sorry that's how it turned out for you, and after a long time too. Same thing happened to me, they admitted to me something important instead of before we got together. I get the feeling of being unlovable, I feel it all the time too, I scare people off a lot, like how you described. It's like I said the wrong thing or they just know. Not necessarily because I'm trans but just the way I am I guess? Like it feels like I get treated differently automatically, and I didn't even do anything wrong. Any time I try to talk to anyone new, it usually doesn't go anywhere because they get dry or don't reach out, and if it does, they leave or I attract awful people. Even when I attract genuine people, I ruin it, because I'm really uncomfortable around anyone new, or I get too attached, etc. I'm worried to say or do the wrong thing because I'll embarrass myself, but I usually do anyway. I feel like an alien all the time, like I'm infesting everyone's space, and I don't want to be percieved and basically agoraphobic at this point because of it. I'm sorry again. What you said at the end was very beautiful the way you worded it. Your thoughts don't need to be coherent to be understood, mine are often too, so much I have trouble finding words. I see you're very good at poetry or writing, you write like how I want to. I hope it gets better for you, I know it feels like everyone hates you. There's always a flower amongst the dead, I guess waiting and going to new places/events helps, I mean I didn't think it would happen but it did, multiple times now that I think about it. When it happens, please don't make the same mistake I did, self-sabotage.

"Alien" infesting peoples' space is a very apt description for the way we move through the world like this. I really appreciate your response here, it's good to be seen (or read) by someone similar, and who understands. You're extremely kind, too, I've also found myself drifting into agoraphobia, bar being required to leave for work. Maybe I was really born to be a hikikomori, rather than a manor woman, ha ha. But that kind of self-sabotage is so hard to avoid. I've never wanted to interact with people less outside of this website, though I do know you're right. It's just difficult to justify doing anything these days, but it's a self-serving and self-ending cycle I guess. I'm very deeply sorry that you share similar experiences aand can relate, I believe you deserve better too.

If you ever feel you'd like someone to talk to, casually or otherwise, please feel free to start a conversation with me.

 

[timorousTruant]

Hey man, don't give up on love just yet. I'm also transmasc but still retain a lot
of female attributes, and I still got someone with a crush on me. If I can do it with my non-existent social skills, anybody can. Keep searching homie