interna
Gone Tomorrow, Here Today
- Dec 1, 2025
- 198
Fair warning, this is just ranting 'til I tire myself out..... Not writing this with a clear direction in mind or anythin..... /ᐠ-ꞈ-ᐟ\ʃ But as title says, SH and death and relationship stuff.
Sigh. I've been consistently using PSH as a "grounding tool" for the past month. That meaning, whenever I'm emotionally dysregulated, I drop everything ASAP and put my head through the noose, as if I were gonna CTB right then, right there.
I'm usually a cutter, but it seems I'm seeking out riskier ways to self-harm (and cuttings more of a sex thing 4 me tbf). I tend to hit myself or bang my head against things, too. Or drinking to the point of puking, or vomiting on purpose. I've also tried burning myself with cigarettes, but I find it's way harder to hide, so I gave up on it. Plus, becoming a smoker would bring forth arguments with my family, so I'd rather save it for whenever I go homeless or get a place of my own (not gonna happen). Cutting myself and passing it off as da cats!!1! works wonders, though. Or maybe they don't give a shit and I'm overthinking it
Anyways, when hanging, I've blacked out once or twice, but not for too long and nothing too serious for my liking. Numbness, prickling feeling, ringing, vision problems - the expected stuff. Though, even if it were serious, when you play with fire so much, you get accostumed to burning yourself. I already had a failed FSH attempt earlier this year & possible brain damage from it, so why should I stop there? Lolol
Honestly, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't extremely useful, as, frankly, feeling so close to death helps me calm down a ton. It's such a comforting, both powerful and dreary feeling to be hanging there and knowing that if I applied a bit more pressure, or that if something went wrong, I could be dead within minutes. It's nice. It's so nice it scares me, as in, "I can't believe dying might actually feel this good for me". I feel lucky. Destined to CTB, too, but I'd rather avoid talking about my psychosis in this rant. It'd go south very quickly. I'm also scared of how conversational this is all coming out; I'm not sure why I'm performing right now. I'll try to drop it, but whenever my head gets in a state like this, it's really hard to consciously turn it off. I don't know, I'm being weird, but if you've ever read my posts you know how little congruency I've got, so this is actually normal for me. Ack !!!;!!; Anyhow......
I've also been getting my affairs in order again. I was gonna go ahead n write a will da legit legal way with a lawyer, but I don't really have anything to my name. I dunno why I considered it in the first place. I've been giving possessions out to my friends anyway, so there's not much that I still have that I care about a whole lot. I hope my clothes are donated along with my plushies, save for my Webkinz collection, which I'd wanna be buried or cremated with. Or my first Webkinz, at least. Although I'm sad that'd mean they'd die alongside me. I don't think it's right for me to drag them down with me... ahhh iunno I'll sort my thoughts on that matter later....
Maybe I'm too retarded and mentally impaired and childish to be able to decide whether I should kill myself or not. Maybe I should be kept around and suffer just because I'm such a stupid worthless bitch. I don't even deserve death. I'm alive because I deserve to suffer and I deserve every and all wrongdoing and tragedy and generally shitty situation thrown my way. I absolutely deserve all of it. I don't know why I bother. I shouldn't be here, but it's fine if I am, because I deserve it. I really, really do. I deserve all the abuse I can get. I'm stupid. I'm stupid. Ugly retarded useless schizo whore. I'm worth nothing. I'm too much of a normie to be worth anything to people I like, and too much of a freak to be worth anything to everyday people. What's worse, I'm unlovable and replaceable. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I wish I wasn't me.
I wish I had a different life. I wish I was someone else. Different.. That's all I wanna be. Not me.
Anyway, I'm also writing up a bucket list. Not really, though... it's in my mind, if anything. Replaying my favorite game, listening to some albums, learning some songs on guitar, hanging out with my friends, seeing family off... yeah. I think that's enough for me to be content and finished with life. I really don't want to take any more suffering, even though I'd like to spite myself and break myself down further and further until I actually have no will, hope or reason left to live. Now wouldn't that be dreamy? 'ω' Sadly, that ship sailed a long time ago. I regret not killing myself back then, when I was being actively abused. Getting to hate myself with someone else is cathartic in a very, very twisted way. This might be me romanticizing it, but what do I care? I'm a disgusting person no matter how you look at it, I shouldn't care about keeping up appearances and pretending my morality is as pure as I believe it is. I wish I were a good person.
Sometimes, I really wish I could stop lying to my friends and unveil myself to them. That way, they'd start hating me and leave me alone. I could kill myself mostly free of guilt then. I don't know. I love them, but I know I'm a phony. I'm really not good. I don't want to get better, I don't want to do anything but rot in bed all day and think about horrible stuff and indulge in damaging habits. I don't want a future. It sucks having to pretend otherwise. It sucks pretending I'm not obsessive and attention-starved. It sucks pretending I want the best for myself instead of decadence and perversion. I don't know anymoaaaar I just want it all to be over.......
I wish I was selfless.
Well, I'm done now !!! lalala〜 Sorry for talking so much about me. I guess I needed to talk to the void for a bit. I'm not able to cut or hang myself right now, so it makes sense that I'd resort to venting. Thanks for reading.
Sigh. I've been consistently using PSH as a "grounding tool" for the past month. That meaning, whenever I'm emotionally dysregulated, I drop everything ASAP and put my head through the noose, as if I were gonna CTB right then, right there.
I'm usually a cutter, but it seems I'm seeking out riskier ways to self-harm (and cuttings more of a sex thing 4 me tbf). I tend to hit myself or bang my head against things, too. Or drinking to the point of puking, or vomiting on purpose. I've also tried burning myself with cigarettes, but I find it's way harder to hide, so I gave up on it. Plus, becoming a smoker would bring forth arguments with my family, so I'd rather save it for whenever I go homeless or get a place of my own (not gonna happen). Cutting myself and passing it off as da cats!!1! works wonders, though. Or maybe they don't give a shit and I'm overthinking it
Anyways, when hanging, I've blacked out once or twice, but not for too long and nothing too serious for my liking. Numbness, prickling feeling, ringing, vision problems - the expected stuff. Though, even if it were serious, when you play with fire so much, you get accostumed to burning yourself. I already had a failed FSH attempt earlier this year & possible brain damage from it, so why should I stop there? Lolol
Honestly, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't extremely useful, as, frankly, feeling so close to death helps me calm down a ton. It's such a comforting, both powerful and dreary feeling to be hanging there and knowing that if I applied a bit more pressure, or that if something went wrong, I could be dead within minutes. It's nice. It's so nice it scares me, as in, "I can't believe dying might actually feel this good for me". I feel lucky. Destined to CTB, too, but I'd rather avoid talking about my psychosis in this rant. It'd go south very quickly. I'm also scared of how conversational this is all coming out; I'm not sure why I'm performing right now. I'll try to drop it, but whenever my head gets in a state like this, it's really hard to consciously turn it off. I don't know, I'm being weird, but if you've ever read my posts you know how little congruency I've got, so this is actually normal for me. Ack !!!;!!; Anyhow......
I've also been getting my affairs in order again. I was gonna go ahead n write a will da legit legal way with a lawyer, but I don't really have anything to my name. I dunno why I considered it in the first place. I've been giving possessions out to my friends anyway, so there's not much that I still have that I care about a whole lot. I hope my clothes are donated along with my plushies, save for my Webkinz collection, which I'd wanna be buried or cremated with. Or my first Webkinz, at least. Although I'm sad that'd mean they'd die alongside me. I don't think it's right for me to drag them down with me... ahhh iunno I'll sort my thoughts on that matter later....
Maybe I'm too retarded and mentally impaired and childish to be able to decide whether I should kill myself or not. Maybe I should be kept around and suffer just because I'm such a stupid worthless bitch. I don't even deserve death. I'm alive because I deserve to suffer and I deserve every and all wrongdoing and tragedy and generally shitty situation thrown my way. I absolutely deserve all of it. I don't know why I bother. I shouldn't be here, but it's fine if I am, because I deserve it. I really, really do. I deserve all the abuse I can get. I'm stupid. I'm stupid. Ugly retarded useless schizo whore. I'm worth nothing. I'm too much of a normie to be worth anything to people I like, and too much of a freak to be worth anything to everyday people. What's worse, I'm unlovable and replaceable. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I wish I wasn't me.
I wish I had a different life. I wish I was someone else. Different.. That's all I wanna be. Not me.
Anyway, I'm also writing up a bucket list. Not really, though... it's in my mind, if anything. Replaying my favorite game, listening to some albums, learning some songs on guitar, hanging out with my friends, seeing family off... yeah. I think that's enough for me to be content and finished with life. I really don't want to take any more suffering, even though I'd like to spite myself and break myself down further and further until I actually have no will, hope or reason left to live. Now wouldn't that be dreamy? 'ω' Sadly, that ship sailed a long time ago. I regret not killing myself back then, when I was being actively abused. Getting to hate myself with someone else is cathartic in a very, very twisted way. This might be me romanticizing it, but what do I care? I'm a disgusting person no matter how you look at it, I shouldn't care about keeping up appearances and pretending my morality is as pure as I believe it is. I wish I were a good person.
Sometimes, I really wish I could stop lying to my friends and unveil myself to them. That way, they'd start hating me and leave me alone. I could kill myself mostly free of guilt then. I don't know. I love them, but I know I'm a phony. I'm really not good. I don't want to get better, I don't want to do anything but rot in bed all day and think about horrible stuff and indulge in damaging habits. I don't want a future. It sucks having to pretend otherwise. It sucks pretending I'm not obsessive and attention-starved. It sucks pretending I want the best for myself instead of decadence and perversion. I don't know anymoaaaar I just want it all to be over.......
I wish I was selfless.
Well, I'm done now !!! lalala〜 Sorry for talking so much about me. I guess I needed to talk to the void for a bit. I'm not able to cut or hang myself right now, so it makes sense that I'd resort to venting. Thanks for reading.
