Venting Trying to not want to CTB

[Eva is sick]

Hello everyone
I feel like getting close everyday to CTB but i know that deep down i just want to live and enjoy life.. its just that i feel like i tried everything :/
Here is a list of everything i tried
- being on anti depressant
- seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist ( started one year ago now and stopped seing psychologist this week)
- Taking 2 month off work for my well being + now 1month of half time for my mental health
- I have a cat I love deeply
- I have hobbies like crochet and embroidery
- I have good friends that i play with often and see irl one every week
- I do a lot of sport
- Started HRT a few month ago to try and help being well in my body (kinda helped)

Maybe its self-centered but despite having what lot can call a good life i still feel empty and everyday feel like a challenge and is really hard to go by
I just need to understand why i can't just be normal and just enjoy or at least live my life instead of surviving it
Anyone have some advice they can share i'd love to read them tbh

 

[tonicer]

Sounds to me like you're already doing all the things most people would recommend but to me (a lazy guy) it seems a bit too much be mindful as to not burn yourself out with activities just sitting there doing nothing or meditating is important too.

 

[Gabbi_Station]

Hello everyone
I feel like getting close everyday to CTB but i know that deep down i just want to live and enjoy life.. its just that i feel like i tried everything :/
Here is a list of everything i tried
- being on anti depressant
- seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist ( started one year ago now and stopped seing psychologist this week)
- Taking 2 month off work for my well being + now 1month of half time for my mental health
- I have a cat I love deeply
- I have hobbies like crochet and embroidery
- I have good friends that i play with often and see irl one every week
- I do a lot of sport
- Started HRT a few month ago to try and help being well in my body (kinda helped)

Maybe its self-centered but despite having what lot can call a good life i still feel empty and everyday feel like a challenge and is really hard to go by
I just need to understand why i can't just be normal and just enjoy or at least live my life instead of surviving it
Anyone have some advice they can share i'd love to read them tbh

I've tried-
-Therapy and antidepressants a couple times
-Been on a psych hold (forced)
-Exercise (running, going to the gym, hiking, skiing)
-Taking classes to meet people (exercise classes, dance, ect)
-Taking online classes in subjects I was interested in and to force myself to get up during the day
-Left multiple jobs and took new ones hoping the work culture would be better and I would meet people
-Regularly went for walks and went to get coffee
-Took time off work for mental health
-Took meditation courses
-Got my BA and MA
-Smoked weed and took other drugs
-Went clubbing and bar hopping
-Started going to church
-Tried dating apps multiple times
-Spend time reading and watching films
-Painting and art
-Threw myself into writing
-Looked into local events and tourist stuff
-Found more communal housing
-Tried to move or live in the city
- Retail therapy
-no longer talking to my dad

The list goes on and on. I'm still horribly depressed and lonely and constantly trying to cbt.

I would say partying does help you meet people if you are lonely though, even though it often makes your mental health worse

 

[Eva is sick]

Sounds to me like you're already doing all the things most people would recommend but to me (a lazy guy) it seems a bit too much be mindful as to not burn yourself out with activities just sitting there doing nothing or meditating is important too.

Probably true but i also tried doing nothing and meditating
The only thing i know help is when im not alone
For exemple i went one week at a friend house or when i was with my ex gf but i don't like being dependent to other in order to feel life

 

[KnightOfSwords]

I went into scuba diving. I guess it worked because it was short-term (a month of lectures and practice) and completely unexplored and new. It took a lot of my brain space and helped me distracting. So I suggest you try some unpractical unexpected course and maybe get a licence that you will never use once in your live.

 

[Mrs. T-800]

This is long, sorry in advance.

I try to live for small, low-stakes things. I take it day by day. It takes a lot of work to reframe, but I think, while "passively" suicidal – like, not taking any steps to end it, and being unopposed to something like a DNR order if I got in the hospital – I am no longer "actively" so. I am proud of that and I think it can be done.
I would recommend trying to reframe this way.

What I do:

• Keep a lot of plants – caring for them makes me feel good and needed
• Donate – items, money, time, where and when possible; I try to transform my life to live for others, not myself, and make a difference
• Low-stakes surprises ("glimmers") or things to look forward to, notice, etc. – watching the streetlamps come on every evening and seeing the time they turn on slowly change over the year, hyping up small things (for example: recently, I noticed I didn't se a slug since a long time, and, suddenly, I've seen three this week), subscribing to monthly/weekly magazines and the daily paper so I have something always to anticipate
• Long-term happily-dones instead of must-dos – realizing things I just would like to do instead of things I feel I must do, for example, I'd like to take motorcycle classes and buy my own Harley someday, but no big deal if not; I focus on those things, which are more doable, than big items
• Pray – every prayer I say for someone else is, hopefully, a boost to them, so I try to pray often for others

I take pressure off of hobbies entirely. I try to mediate those and my self-image and get rid of the need for perfection. Now I can comfortably just stop a book if I don't like it, I go through my real and virtual storages often and purge things to live lighter and just let go of some past things and accept that past is past. I don't force myself to do anything. I discipline myself somehow, I guess? Not sure.

Antidepressants didn't work for me. I will say, getting out of an abusive house helped immensely, but some stuff, I just will always have to live with. I quit most social media – comparison is the thief of joy – and got rid of AI, automation, convenience, etc. in my life. I'm always an old soul but just the act of doing stuff myself helped a lot. You'll be surprised what living in the world and not just on it can do. (Like, even just writing my grocery list by hand, I noticed things about my handwriting I wanted to change; so, I bought a calligraphy book, and that became a hobby... again, see, it's low-stakes and totally optional stuff)
Getting rid of the frustration of technology helped a lot. I got big into phone calls and writing letters instead of doing texts. Instead of the frustration of choice in picking music or streaming, I turn to the radio a lot now, or my limited library of CDs/DVDs/VHSs. Learning to live with what I have instead of picking, choosing, or wanting. Etc.

So much of it is assumed to be physical work but most is mental. Surroundings have a huge influence.