Secured membership to Dignitas. To wait, delay or go through with it now?

[fluffycliff]

I'm not particularly looking for advice, more wanted to share.

I have been going through the process of becoming eligible for Dignitas for the last few months, and I received notification that I'm eligible now. Over that timeframe, I did my best to try to put myself in a position where this was an option, not a predetermined outcome. I wanted to have a plan in place, because in all likelihood this will be my preferred option at some point in the future. Whether it was a few months or a few decades, I wanted to have the option for a peaceful death.

Over the past 6 weeks, everything that I had worked to build stability wise has fallen apart. I am fairly certain little of what has occurred has been done with malicious intent, but it sure feels like obstacles have been purposefully put in my way as I have been trying to get my life together. The terrifying part is that I am nearly as clear headed as I have been in a decade, I think I am capable of continuing to function, but I keep on getting punched down.

I earnestly started trying to rebuild my life about three years ago, still dealing with symptoms that had hindered me greatly. I had learned new mechanisms to deal with deficits. There is no "cure", and regaining some cognitive functions that had been absent for a long time was encouraging. My ability to think was finally returning.

However, with how unstable the previous years had been, it was nearly impossible to regain my footing. There were months of lucidity, followed by what felt like an inevitable crash. My intelligence is still there but would fluctuate. It is terrifying.

I tried to simplify my life. I tried to take the small steps that would get me out of this situation. But nearly every step of the way, it felt like there was something working against me preventing me from getting out.

I think the inclusion in Dignitas will wind up being largely symbolic. I could find a way go the physician assisted route if I really wanted to. But at this point, the means I have available to me right now should work. I feel trapped. I know I am being misunderstood. This current state, whether as a result of my immediate situation or underlying physical condition, feels tortuous.

I want to be left alone. There is a notable lack of any sense of agency, like any time I try to take steps to get out of this that I am being continually pulled back down.

I have the means. What went from ideations 1-2 times a week six months ago has turned into a multi-daily occurrence. I have been in the planning stages for at least the past two weeks. It seems about the right time to actually go through with it now.

 

[bodys_prisoner]

If they had given me Nembutal to drink, I would do it right away

 

[fluffycliff]

I think the last conflict I have to come to peace with is why no one helped when I needed it the most.

I kept telling them I had a concussion. I kept saying, look, I can barely see straight and the symptoms are overwhelming. They kept putting me out there, telling me that everything was fine. I can't remember how long it actually took for the doctor to admit that I likely had brain damage.

It feels like less of a burden now, although some of the symptoms are still there.

But looking into the future: knowing how much higher my healthcare costs are going to be if I were to even survive another 10 years. Knowing how difficult it was, and how difficult it was to get back to almost baseline. Knowing that the future is so much more bleak, that I will never be able to realize the potential I had before all of this occurred, and that my ability to realize opportunities right now is still significantly impaired.

My life was drastically altered. There is no way out of this that involves any semblance of a life worth living. When you ask for help, when you try to get out of a bad situation yourself, all they do is try to drag you further down.

I am grateful for the few who tried to help. But I was driven into suicide. This is not entirely my own decision.

If they had given me Nembutal to drink, I would do it right away

I would probably take a few hours to tie up loose ends and make a few phone calls, but yes.

If I had the means to get out of this situation, I would have to consider it. I have been put down for so long without a means of escaping this situation that I do not see a way out. The person I was has been crushed by everything I've gone through, and it seems like every single day there has been less and less of a reason/will to live.

I hate to waste what good there is left in me. I know I don't need to be perfect. But that window has largely passed. There is no path forward other than one that entails immense and sustained suffering. There is no path forward that leads to any positive outcome. I have been in worse shape before, but the persistent nature of everything has become too much to handle. The future is incredibly bleak.