Venting Tired of fighting a losing battle

[funeralbells]

I've dealt with suicidal ideation since I was 12. I've wanted to, and have attempted suicide numerous times throughout my life but SI always stops me. I've tried it sober, drunk and high but something always prevents me from moving on into whatever comes next. So I've asked myself several times, do I really want to go? But the answer is almost always yes. Maybe one day I'll gain the courage to leave this meaningless existence...

 

[jonward55]

I'm sure Funeral Cry will jump in soon but yes, SI really is a bitch to beat, I'm choosing SN because drinking something feels easier than other methods.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hate how suicide is so difficult, it's certainly like the survival instinct exists just to prolong suffering and keep us trapped here. I get that it's so awful feeling trapped here when you just wish to leave, but anyway I wish you the best, it's really understandable just wishing to be free from everything.

 

[mlcs]

Drinking or inhaling something really is the easiest way cause you don't have much to do there and your brain is not fully aware of the outcome in the next few minutes. While other methods could be faster and more definite they require stronger overcoming of the SI. Other methods are not silent killers and your brain is presented with consequences right away: when you lay on tracks and thousands tons of steel is coming to you, or when you jump and theres 70 metres of air and you can't go back. It just feels completely different when theres a method requiring pain and violence directly by yourself. Drinking something and letting it do its silent job, even if it will hurt after, sounds much easier.

 

[The anhedonic one]

I utterly despise the survival instinct, and also the fact that suicide isn't supported and drugs like N are not made available for people who NEED to end their suffering.

 

[day]

Been practicing my method of CTB in my head and was for awhile physically to hopefully prevent SI from interfering with my plans. I just simply am done enduring pain. I want to be free. I don't want to feel.

Good luck OP, i hope you find peace with whatever you decide.